My husband can't get a job and is learning to code, should I divorce him? (NYT)
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Poast new message in this thread
Date: April 5th, 2026 11:47 AM Author: electric stock car
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/04/business/my-husband-cant-get-a-job-should-i-divorce-him.html
Marriage vs. Unemployment
Dear Work Friend,
My husband is a very smart and capable person, but he became very sick in early 2020, and he has barely worked since then, despite tirelessly applying for positions. What can he do?
We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music, but the stress of trying to make enough money to live on (even with help from my mom) has made it nearly impossible to focus and develop my skills. It’s literally ruining my life.
Currently he is doing an online master’s program in computer science, but I worry that this will not improve his prospects. I don’t really want to get divorced, but I think about it constantly. It’s just too hard trying to support two adults as a nonprofit administrator. I can’t live this way for the next 30-40 years.
Thanks for your help,
Anonymous
I nodded and winced with sympathy through the first two paragraphs of your letter as I thought about the pressures of chronic illness, unemployment and financial strain.
And then I got to the phrase “online master’s program in computer science.”
At this point I stopped nodding, cocked my head to the side, and squinted my eyes in an expression of polite bafflement — the “Tucker Carlson.” I think you are right to worry that this will not improve his prospects. “Learn to code” is no longer a panacea for the unemployed, if it ever was. The number of job openings for entry-level workers in the tech industry has been stagnant for a while, and a master’s alone is not going to help when every new job listing has thousands of applicants, especially given the long gaps in your husband’s résumé. A strong professional network might give him an edge, but it’s hard to form one at a grad program you attend from your living room.
But my real concern reading your letter is not simply that the online master’s program is probably a waste of time and money, but that your husband is using it to hide from responsibility for your finances and your relationship.
There are many very good and rigorous online degree programs, but there are also some whose practical function is to help students avoid the burdens of real life under the cover of productivity. I think it’s telling that you, the stably employed partner, are emailing me to solicit employment ideas, rather than your husband, who actually needs them.
So before you even get to doling out advice, you need to sit down with your husband and tell him that the stress you feel about money is making you miserable, and that you guys need to come up with a plan to mitigate your dread about the future. You will know the most diplomatic way to communicate your distress. But you need to be honest with him that the current situation is unsustainable for you, and he needs to be part of the solution.
I’m not saying your husband must quit his master’s program. But he should have a plan beyond graduating and heading to LinkedIn. At a minimum he should be seeking internships, soliciting informational interviews, attending meet-ups and other networking events, and doing whatever he can to build a portfolio, gain experience, and augment his chances at actually finding a job.
And he should probably be doing more than that, given your misery and exhaustion. Could he get a part-time job serving coffee, waiting tables, or stocking shelves to help ease the pressure you feel to provide for both of you? If he needs to stay at home, could he find remote work in fields like tutoring, editing, transcription or customer service? Or maybe something more oriented toward a future career in software, like QA testing, data entry, or freelance web design? Finally, if his illness is preventing him from finding work entirely, can he augment your income with disability payments?
The point of this conversation is not to fix your difficult problems overnight (it won’t), nor to permanently solve the eternal troubles of money, jobs and relationships (it can’t). It’s to ensure that the tasks of thinking, worrying, and doing something about these issues is shared between both of you.
To that end, if you can scrape together the resources, I would suggest that part of your plan involve couples’ counseling. If that’s out of reach, you should at the very least be setting deadlines and clarifying expectations, so that neither partner is operating under false assumptions about the other’s feelings or needs.
Unless you fix the dynamic that has you emailing advice columnists on behalf of your husband after working all day to support him, I worry that no amount of employment-seeking guidance will help.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795346) |
Date: April 5th, 2026 11:49 AM Author: Passionate Insecure Genital Piercing Shrine
We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music,
We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music,
We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music,
We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music,
We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music,
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795356) |
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Date: April 5th, 2026 11:49 AM Author: electric stock car
It’s just too hard trying to support two adults as a nonprofit administrator.
It’s just too hard trying to support two adults as a nonprofit administrator.
It’s just too hard trying to support two adults as a nonprofit administrator.
It’s just too hard trying to support two adults as a nonprofit administrator.
It’s just too hard trying to support two adults as a nonprofit administrator.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795359) |
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Date: April 6th, 2026 10:03 AM Author: vigorous transparent public bath
ChatGPT's response: Because AI writes code, but humans define the problem, architecture, and trade-offs. You still need coding knowledge to debug, verify, and avoid fragile outputs. AI amplifies good developers, it doesn't replace real understanding.
Gemini's response: AI is used to automate repetitive tasks, but humans are still needed to architect complex systems, ensure security, and solve unique business logic. Learning to code develops deep computational thinking and debugging skills required to oversee and verify the AI's often-flawed output. AI acts as a powerful "copilot," but the "pilot" must still understand the underlying mechanics to build reliable, scalable, and innovative software.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49797321) |
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Date: April 5th, 2026 1:16 PM Author: 180 psychic mexican
lol pathetic.
this guy should be a man do whatever it takes to support himself. taking perpetual handouts from your wifes family while you do online only classes because of your bs long covid would be so shameful for a real man that he'd rather doordash every waking hour of the day over accepting another cent.
ime people like you are universally excuse making losers who would rather seethe at everyone else than take responsibility for themselves. waaah waah waah my wife is neing so mean just because ive been unemployed for six years. lmao. both these people suck, but the dude massively sucks too and everyone woman in her right mind would not tolerate a pathetic leach.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795559) |
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Date: April 5th, 2026 1:39 PM Author: Burgundy preventive strike theater
Ah yes because the opinion of an obese mymasters shrew is, as ever, the true and accurate measure of a contemporary man’s worth!
It is because you think this way that you will still be bragging about your “dating app” exploits to internet strangers who don’t like you in ten years. Hope that helps!
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795638)
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Date: April 5th, 2026 2:09 PM Author: Burgundy preventive strike theater
Told our kids a bunch of lies about the Easter bunny, thanks for asking!
Date: April 5th, 2026 1:57 PM
Author: the word envy ceasing to exist (gunneratttt)
being swallowed by my lovely gf.
what did you and your wife and kids do today?
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795678
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795695) |
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Date: April 9th, 2026 1:07 AM Author: Big Mewling Abode Juggernaut
ti, oc, tcr
my wife's sister's husband is a lot like this; allegedly long covid, maybe lyme, whatever invisible disability you can imagine (btw I've actually had lyme, confirmed by western blot, it fucking sucks and I was fucked for six months)
he was an elementary school teacher (red flag 1) then was gently re-guided to be the school's JANITOR because he could no longer be trusted in the classroom.
he has some unconfirmed substance abuse issue. alcohol, opioids, something. he vapes all the time.
has two kids under 8 and can't get his shit together. comes home friday and stays in bed until monday morning. my in-laws are basically going to an early grave taking care of his kids for him. i would kill him if I could
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49805822) |
Date: April 5th, 2026 11:57 AM Author: rough-skinned dopamine base
We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music, but the stress of trying to make enough money to live on
We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music, but the stress of trying to make enough money to live on
We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music, but the stress of trying to make enough money to live on
We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music, but the stress of trying to make enough money to live on
We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music, but the stress of trying to make enough money to live on
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795375) |
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Date: April 5th, 2026 11:59 AM Author: electric stock car
I don’t really want to get divorced, but I think about it constantly.
I don’t really want to get divorced, but I think about it constantly.
I don’t really want to get divorced, but I think about it constantly.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795379) |
Date: April 5th, 2026 12:06 PM Author: Fiercely-loyal Contagious Forum Fanboi
This is the thing that I always talk about. Libs “like” when certain things fail.
You would never hear libs call any degree a waste of time in 2000. PERIOD. But in 2026 a Nerd picking himself up by his bootstraps is a “waste of time” 😏 OYT is the biggest hypocrite in the world imo
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795399) |
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Date: April 5th, 2026 12:12 PM Author: electric stock car
its interesting that once the NYT columnist got to the "Online MS in CS" part, he was like "fuck this guy"
I nodded and winced with sympathy through the first two paragraphs of your letter as I thought about the pressures of chronic illness, unemployment and financial strain.
And then I got to the phrase “online master’s program in computer science.”
At this point I stopped nodding, cocked my head to the side, and squinted my eyes in an expression of polite bafflement
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795411) |
Date: April 5th, 2026 12:59 PM Author: rusted home
i dont get why you ppl have wives except for children. the subtexts of all u fags upthread is you have to pay for the privilege of being nagged by a median 170.8-171.8 pound woman who will drop u the second u stop making it rain
the fuck are u doing
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795503) |
Date: April 5th, 2026 1:03 PM Author: Cracking Fortuitous Meteor
The level of pathetic faggotry in this thread is off the fucking charts
You people are all literally "Redpill Comics" cartoon caricature beta losers, siding with the "wife" and "columnist" who both need to be repeatedly raped until they instinctively do not speak unless spoken to by a male. This is like some kind of pseudo support group for beta dweebs whose only remaining measure of surrogate self worth is their ability to be beta provider slaves to some worthless female who despises them
One of the most pathetic threads on this board in a while
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795513) |
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Date: April 5th, 2026 1:37 PM Author: Cracking Fortuitous Meteor
"...from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health..."
/thread
Marriage is either real or it isn't. It's a lifelong monogamous commitment to an individual, through thick and thin. The proper response to this woman bitching about her husband's temporary setback (while she uprooted the family to waste money on a fucking meme "degree" to satisfy her own selfish ego) and preparing to divorce him is telling her to shut the fuck up and follow her marriage vows and support her lifelong partner
It doesn't matter that it's "female nature" to ditch men once they are no longer instrumentally useful to her. My above comment about beating and raping her is only half kidding. Women never dared to think and act like this before the modern era where they were given artificial power over men to indulge their worst instincts. They never dared to because there were severe consequences for them if they did
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795637) |
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Date: April 5th, 2026 1:51 PM Author: 180 psychic mexican
for six years?
obese illegal 80iq spics manage to scrape by enough to provide for themselves.
if this guy was legitimately too sick to work he'd be on ssdi, and he wouldn't be training for future employment.
there's a CS bootcamp near me that takes retard dindus and gets them employed coding in six months. if this guy can't hack it in six years he should be digging ditches or working retail. he should be doing whatever he can to earn whatever he can. not farting around taking his wife's parent's money playing WoW between university of phoenix classes.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795663) |
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Date: April 5th, 2026 2:10 PM Author: 180 psychic mexican
yes.
btw as per our subthread i am very sympathetic regarding systematic problems and how many men struggle to provide a decent life for themselves. my issue with this guy is there's no indication he struggled. and i don't buy that he was too sick to work considering he's ostensibly going to school to work.
if this guy was legitimately trying his best and failing id have nothing but sympathy for him, and condemn his wife for her selfishness. but my read on this is that he's slacking and his wife is at her wits end.
of course this is from the wifes POV and ime there's always more to a story. good chance im being too harsh on this guy because im making judgments with limited info. but my take is based on what info is available.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795696) |
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Date: April 5th, 2026 4:36 PM Author: 180 psychic mexican
nigger ive just been to events involving the org where they parade success stories on stage. i know that that theyre real because ive talked to the dindus.
sure, maybe it's like making it as a tttt grad and their success stories are outliers. that doesnt change the fact people do finish in six months and get jobs. if someone was in their 10th year of law school id say they were slacking and that has nothing to do with the job market.
do you think being unemployed for six years and attending online college is a evidence someone is legitimately trying their best?
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795954) |
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Date: April 5th, 2026 4:59 PM Author: cerebral godawful temple
You: “do you agree?”
Me: “definitely not.”
You “well since we agree, blahblahblahblah, I’m very high IQ btw!”
Done w this subthread. Bye.
Reply Favorite
Date: April 5th, 2026 4:56 PM
Author: the word envy ceasing to exist (gunneratttt)
pretty high.
if you agree and i already clarified that i used these bootcamps as an example of why i think 6 years of online school = the guy is just a bum, what are you arguing with me about?
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795979)
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Date: April 5th, 2026 6:05 PM Author: 180 psychic mexican
this used to be a prestigious law school bort. can't believe im getting pushback that a super senior at university of phoenix is a bum.
this isn't vivek ultrastriver shit. this is calling a spade a spade. if you are unemployed for six years and just taking online classes, you are a bum. this person isn't a man and should be embarassed. and you should be embarassed defending him.
at best it's false compassion. if you want outperform jeets you should be disgusted by this guy, not making excuses for him. the best thing that could happen to him is being forced to provide for himself. i swear, you guys sound like niggers demanding gibes.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49796075) |
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Date: April 5th, 2026 1:54 PM Author: electric stock car
"...from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health..."
/thread
like so many ideals how realistic is this? would you similarly condemn a guy who cheats on his wife or divorces her for becoming a fat nagging cow?
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795671) |
Date: April 5th, 2026 4:57 PM Author: harsh locus
2020 is the real signal. He wears a mask for interviews and most or all of his applications are for WFH jobs.
On her side of the ledger, she is fat and unattractive and demotivating, which is why this letter is not about her dilemma over whether or not to run off with her boyfriend Tyrone.
These people should _not_ have white-collar jobs or be attending higher education. They are downwardly mobile ex-Middle Class proles. They have got a tough life ahead of them adjusting to poverty and diversity and lowered expectations. At least we can be sure that they voted for it.
But really, all they have got is each other and they need to stick together over everything else and figure out that money and status are not everything.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49795977) |
Date: April 5th, 2026 5:50 PM Author: sinister lodge
Lmao fuck women and gunner here.
"It’s just too hard trying to support two adults as a nonprofit administrator. I can’t live this way for the next 30-40 years."
As if hasn't been the struggle of every man for thousands of years now. Either accept equality of reject it. Making your husband move for your mymasters and then divorcing him because of your decision
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49796049) |
Date: April 5th, 2026 6:10 PM Author: Coral arousing meetinghouse
a lot of debate itt about who is more worth apologizing for. they are both human slime and neither is worth real sympathy.
you could blame the dude for not being sufficiently serious and decisive about supporting his family, you could blame the chick for being fickle and vain and disloyal for letting her self-indulgent pursuits take precedence over marriage, you could blame the dude for not being enough of a “man” such that she is so smitten with him she couldn’t imagine leaving, you could blame third wave feminism for neutralizing his ability to be such a dominant man of the household, you could blame second wave feminism for telling her that she has the ability and right to a life of financial independence, you could blame secularism in general for destroying the inviolability of christian marriage, you could blame christianity and the institution of marriage itself for encouraging a legal bond between people with whom it was destined to fail. there is truth to all of it.
the reality is that they are both pathetic modern peasants and if they were any better as people neither would find themselves in this shitty situation. you are just looking at the tragedy of human existence unfold before you, like crying about a fruit fly that stupidly flew too close to a spider web, or a field mouse that took off from the bushes with a hawk circling above. society will always have its dregs and the dregs of society cannot help but do stupid shit that make them its dregs. if he were more capable and determined, if she were more loyal and less vain, if either of them were more beautiful as human beings, neither of them would be stuck in such a shitty situation or stuck with each other to begin with. but they are both human detritus so here they are, doing the pathetic shit they only know to do, because they are pathetic to their bones, it is their nature and they cannot do otherwise. welcome ta earf.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49796082) |
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Date: April 5th, 2026 7:36 PM Author: electric stock car
implication: "I'm so much better than this human trash"
i dont think you address the fact that these two people in the NYT bit represent deeper issues going on in society now. these are not just two homeless people that are typical when you think of the term 'human trash'. more guys are like this than you think and maybe, just maybe, there might be elements of even your super high functioning life that might also reflect this dynamic.
once you drop the holier than thou attitude, you realize a couple of things. one is that this story is told from her perspective. she's not steel maning his position at all, which suggests that she's partially looking to just crucify his position.
in addition, the white knighting and attacks on the guy itt are a sign of the times as well. he's studying CS, not liberal arts. he was sick before. yet everyone jumps to the conclusion that he's a garbage human being and a worthless excuse for a man. even just based on the facts it shows that he's trying. how could you blame him esp with the learn to code nonsense sold so heavily. maybe he's naive and kind of incapable but there's nothing there that jumps out as conclusive proof he ought to killself. all this says something.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49796239) |
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Date: April 6th, 2026 1:28 PM Author: lavender marvelous pit ape
poasters keep going on about equality but then they get upset that a consequence of equality is birdshit women have 37 partners before marriage on average
a man should provide, a man is expected to provide and women should not be expected to work
she shouldn't affirmatively make bad decisions, like loans for a graduate degree in music for instance, but the facts do not support that she took loans. as a unit they probably shouldn't uproot for such a degree and if he allowed that to happen he is at least half at fault for that
american men are just lol awful
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49797869) |
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Date: April 8th, 2026 7:30 AM Author: Fiercely-loyal Contagious Forum Fanboi
Losers just pile on when they see other Losers Losing. It’s not human nature to go “let’s shrewdly solve this problem that it’s probably way too late to solve.” Much easier to be like “guy is a joke.”
Paralegal Muhammad itt telling the guy to work at McDonald’s to build character. The guy doesn’t even exist irl. But he imagines him as birdshit and is like “wait my tables 😡 “
Also for all this lady knows, the guy is the next Carmack. She just sees an Idle Man
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2/en-en/#49803090) |
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