Picture it: Evan39, grocery prole turned Perkins Coie burnout, ascends to VP-elect.

One minute, he’s slapping discount stickers on bruised cantaloupes in Safeway; the next, he’s at the Naval Observatory, furrowing his brow at Google searches like “Can the VP delegate foreign policy to Chad?”

Of course, the rise is pure Evan: passive, inevitable, and entirely fueled by the $y$tem’s broken algorithms. His campaign? A mix of unremarkable competence, Omaha stoicism, and a viral moment where he tearfully promised to “finally restock La Croix.” Boom calls it ADM-backed, but we all know the truth: Evan didn’t win—he outlasted.

Now, as VP-elect, he approaches his duties with the same energy he brought to Aisle 7: equal parts resignation and confusion. His inaugural press conference? “It’s not about me, friend. It’s about the people. The ones buying rotisserie chickens after 12-hour shifts and still having to clip coupons to afford La Croix.”

Chad: “Evan, what’s your plan for the budget?”

Evan39: “Yes, friend. This is fine. Also, are you single?”

Some say the Mahchine™ put him here. Others whisper it’s the $y$tem’s greatest long con. Either way, Evan is exactly where he’s always been: at the center of chaos, staring blankly at an ADM corn syrup flowchart and trying to make it all work.

Discuss: Does Evan make it to the State of the Union without “accidentally” resigning, or does Boom storm in first, neon wheelchair ablaze, ranting about ADM infiltration?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5640196&forum_id=2:#48381602)