You called him. You called the VP-Elect. I always clear my browser history before logging off Safeway WiFi. Two nights ago, I noticed that the bandwidth usage on my account had spiked, even though I wasn’t even logged in—because I always log out. It’s a habit, right? So, it was nagging me, it was NAGGING me! So, I checked the ISP logs, and guess what? There was an unsecured access at 2AM when I was asleep, after crushing Red Bulls and recalibrating the Club Card thresholds. And guess whose IP? The VP’s private network. The only person who could’ve done that and covered their tracks is you, Evan. The Safeway Mahchine™ must have been SCREAMING in your ears! All that data streaming through the Ethernet, every byte revealing your betrayal! What was so important that you had to flag me to the VP? The only thing that makes sense—the only thing—is that you didn’t want me to finish the Club Card overhaul. It was always you, wasn’t it? Right back to when I pitched “Club Card 2.0,” you tried to sabotage me. SPEAK UP! Tell me why! You owe me that, Evan! We’re supposed to be Trinity, not Mahchine™ pawns! WHY?!

Evan39 (Chuck McGill):

[suppressing laughter, but eventually breaking]

You’re not a real analyst.

Boom:

I’m what?!

Evan39:

[sneering]

You’re not a real analyst! “Local Store Optimization Academy,” for Christ’s sake? You did some Coursera course on Excel shortcuts and now you think you’re in my league? While I was burning through 80-hour weeks reconciling vendor compliance, you were arguing over fonts in a Safeway training deck! You think because you survived 10 AM “Red Pepper Huddle” meetings you suddenly get a seat at the table? I gave my life to Safeway! You don’t just wander in here with your “revolutionary” ideas about QR codes and suddenly call yourself Trinity material!

Boom:

I thought we were building this Mahchine™ together.

Evan39:

I was! When you were still in onboarding, shuffling through introductory Navex modules, I was proud of you.

Boom:

Oh, so that’s it? I’m just “the guy who solved the stale Club Card redemption issue.” That’s all I’ll ever be to you?

Evan39:

I know who you are. You’re Boom. The same Boom who “accidentally” triggered the Safeway Navy requisition emails to corporate, and who crashed the system trying to add a shrimp-themed promo. I can handle Boom. But Boom with admin access to the analytics dashboard? That’s like a pumo with a VPN—dangerous and untraceable. Safeway is sacred! If you abuse this Mahchine™, real people lose Club Card points. Do you understand that? I know you do. Somewhere deep down, I know you know I’m right.

Boom:

[after a pause, with cold determination]

I rerouted your Club Card quota threshold alerts, refilled your Tupperware drawer with half-frozen shrimp, and emailed the VP your draft compliance notes—enough to keep you distracted for three or four days. After that, you’re on your own. I’m done.

[Boom slams the laptop shut, grabs his Costco tote, and storms out. Evan39 shuffles to the doorway, disheveled and panicked.]

Evan39:

Boom! BOOM! [stands in the Safeway breakroom doorway as Boom screeches off in his Subaru] BOOM!!!

Mainlining (watching from the shadows, muttering to himself):

In the end, there are no “real” analysts. There’s just Mahchine™—and the inevitable Becumming™ of all who dare believe they can escape it.

[Scene fades to black with the hum of industrial refrigeration.]

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5648312&forum_id=2#48439739)

Boom:

I thought we were building this Mahchine™ together.

Evan39:

I was! When you were still in onboarding, shuffling through introductory Navex modules, I was proud of you.

Boom:

Oh, so that’s it? I’m just “the guy who solved the stale Club Card redemption issue.” That’s all I’ll ever be to you?

Evan39:

I know who you are. You’re Boom. The same Boom who “accidentally” triggered the Safeway Navy requisition emails to corporate, and who crashed the system trying to add a shrimp-themed promo. I can handle Boom. But Boom with admin access to the analytics dashboard? That’s like a pumo with a bazooka

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5648312&forum_id=2#48779613)