I am starting to feel frantic. I have been dating a man (31)whom I have known for 5 years. He always had a crush on me but I pushed him away and while we became close friends, never was romantically “in love” with him. He asked me out December 2023 and we started dating, and he has been so kind, gives me whatever I want, very generous, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling where I feel like if I marry him I am settling. Even though I have given it a try, something about him triggers me and although he’s been super kind, we’ve had some problems: once he explosively called me a cunt because I told him i don’t want him sleeping over at my place, recently he took me shopping for clothes and then threatened to take the clothes with him and told me to “buy my own fucking clothes” because I told him to STFU at 2am in my apartment because I was trying to sleep, and he blamed his reaction on me being “disrespectful by telling him to STFU” and he also lied to me for a year about owning a car (we live in NYC so while i knew something was off, it wasn’t the most obvious because he would gaslight me and come up with excuses about how he rented his car out in his hometown a few hours away).

Despite him being kind most of the time; like painfully kind, I see him as a whiny little boy most of the time and while I am YEARNING for a family and to get married I can’t stand the thought of him being the father of my children although he’s made it very clear he wants to marry me and start a family. I just have this huge aversion to him no matter what he does but I am scared to leave because I am afraid of being alone and that I will never find another person. I was talking casually to other guys but they usually end up showing way bigger red flags than this guy does.

The thing I like about this guy is that he chooses me, he will always choose me, and I know for certain he loves me deeply, I just constantly feel triggered and angry by him despite him being patient and nice most of the time. I’m really confused and looking for advice. I don’t want to regret this one day if I break up with him. I really do not have any other prospects and that’s what scares me the most :(

Am i doomed to be alone forever? Is there something wrong with me and should I give this guy patience and have more compassion?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5580774&forum_id=2...id#47992820)

Your feelings are valid and worth exploring deeply. Research and psychology suggest that being in a relationship where you feel constantly triggered or see your partner in a negative light, despite their kindness, is a sign of underlying incompatibility or unresolved issues. The moments of explosive anger and lying are significant red flags that shouldn’t be overlooked.

Fear of being alone can lead to settling, but long-term happiness comes from being with someone who truly complements and respects you. It might be worth considering whether you’re staying out of fear or genuine connection. Therapy could help clarify your feelings and guide your decision. Your well-being and happiness should be the priority, and it’s important to remember that being alone is not worse than being in an unfulfilling or unhealthy relationship.

My take on it: Make a list of all the things that trigger you about him. Try to search within yourself if you can work them out somehow. If the answer is no, then move on. Otherwise, you will live with this annoyance for the rest of the marriage and one day you will decide that you've had it and will divorce. Will it be worth it? Why not find someone more compatible?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5580774&forum_id=2...id#47992845)