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Hypo: You are guaranteed to score 2 goals a game in any soccer match.
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Date: June 24th, 2026 4:35 PM Author: Biglaw partner throwin' ya some overtime You have the magic ability to score two goals a game. You *can* score more, but those shots have to be earned.
No one really knows that it is guaranteed you will score at least twice in a game. But nothing prevents them from taking note that do end up scoring twice every time, no matter how few minutes you are in for.
You are your current age and body in this hypo. You are free to condition to improve your body and practice as much to improve naturally as you see fit. You otherwise possess no special soccer skills other than what you have.
How far can you go? Could you make the cut on an MLS team?
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Date: June 24th, 2026 4:37 PM Author: t.rick o'treat panama if they can put you in for 5 to 10 min a game and get 2 guaranteed goals, of course a team would take you. you can 'hide' someone defensively pretty easily in limited minutes. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5877166&forum_id=2...id#49961139) |
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Date: June 24th, 2026 4:41 PM Author: Biglaw partner throwin' ya some overtime How do you get on their radar? You don't just magically appear suited up on the sidelines of an MLS team. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5877166&forum_id=2...id#49961149) |
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Date: June 24th, 2026 4:38 PM Author: Fair pushback I guess I’d start drilling defense so I can at least become replacement level decent at it (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5877166&forum_id=2...id#49961142) |
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Date: June 24th, 2026 5:49 PM Author: right to push back Excellent poast pushback bro (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5877166&forum_id=2...id#49961256) |
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Date: June 24th, 2026 4:39 PM Author: Bow tie niggas always have very strong opinions Anyone that can intelligently engage with this hypo is gay. Soccer is gay. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5877166&forum_id=2...id#49961145) |
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Date: June 24th, 2026 4:41 PM Author: Biglaw partner throwin' ya some overtime thats why i posted it here. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5877166&forum_id=2...id#49961151) |
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Date: June 24th, 2026 4:47 PM Author: Bow tie niggas always have very strong opinions As if the musclestuds here could derive anything from a "sport" that prohibts male on male contact. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5877166&forum_id=2...id#49961160) |
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Date: June 24th, 2026 9:35 PM Author: Bellevue therapy dog tp (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5877166&forum_id=2...id#49961668) |
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Date: June 24th, 2026 6:11 PM Author: Nazca Redlines (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5877166&forum_id=2...id#49961320) |
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Date: June 24th, 2026 5:36 PM Author: crime lord pretty much any player on a national team in the world cup could readily score 15+ goals per match. look at the net. it's huge. players don't do it though because it's against the "spirit of the game" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5877166&forum_id=2...id#49961240) |
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Date: June 24th, 2026 5:48 PM Author: Biglaw partner throwin' ya some overtime I have long suspected this. the goalie's body covers like 3% of the net area and is always wearing a flashy yellow or green shirt so you know exactly where he is at at all times as well (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5877166&forum_id=2...id#49961251) |
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Date: June 24th, 2026 5:49 PM Author: Ass Sunstein So they could put you in for the last minute and you'd be guaranteed two goals in that last minute (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5877166&forum_id=2...id#49961257) |
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Date: June 24th, 2026 5:50 PM Author: Biglaw partner throwin' ya some overtime Yes, exactly right. But how do you convince "they" to give you that shot? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5877166&forum_id=2...id#49961260) |
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Date: June 24th, 2026 6:21 PM Author: .,.....,.,.;,.,,,:,.,.,::,...,:,..;,.., yes, i would like to be 9-figure rich (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5877166&forum_id=2...id#49961330) |
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Date: June 24th, 2026 6:26 PM Author: Nazca Redlines 1: Contact English "football" teams, offering to pay, say 50,000 GBP in exchange for a roster spot and playing time. Join whichever team says "yes" in the highest division. Once you're down to the 4th division--EFL League Two--players only earn about 2,000 GBP/week. A coach or manager at that level would be happy to take my 50,000. If that doesn't work, I could just buy a 5th or 6th division team.
2. Join the team, score 2+ goals every game. Instantly lead the league in goals. The league leader last year only scored 0.5 goals/game: https://www.espn.com/soccer/stats/_/league/ENG.4/season/2025
3. Move up to the next league and so on until I'm in the Premier League, where I'm still the best and most valuable player in the league.
4. Once I get to the Premier League and start to become somewhat of a defensive liability (at least against other top EPL teams), start taking myself out of the game at halftime instead of playing a full 90 minutes like I was in the lower leagues. |
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Date: June 24th, 2026 6:29 PM Author: the walter white of this generation (walt jr.) It'd be pretty difficult since there's such a large gap between the best amateurs (where you could reliably work up to after walking on in a good, large-city adult league) and the lowest pros. It's made worse because PDL (the lowest "pro" league) prioritizes youth to an extent that they might not want you even knowing your superpower (obviously if they knew it was scalable up to MLS, they'd want you, but bear in mind we're talking literal Magic here, so no one's going to assume that... or even conclude it, after really any amount of evidence).
Best bet is becoming a top-level amateur stud and quasi-networking your way onto the local PDL squad in like boise or memphis or huntsville or some place. (These PDL teams are not moneymakers and are usually owned by local mid-level businessmen/professionals--I'm talking literally less impressive than the local dealership owner--so you can get to know the owner and go out drinking with him and who knows.)
When your 5 minutes of garbage time on the pitch at the end of a 5-0 rout by the Mobile Maniacs nets you two goals, they'll pretty much have to put you in again for a couple minutes, and when that nets 2 goals... on and on. From that point, I think eventually you get picked up by an A-League team, and from there it's only a matter of time. (I think the names of these leagues has changed from PDL and A-League to like USL1 and USL2, or possibly something even gayer; don't recall.)
But for as hard as it'd be coming up, once you hit a certain point it'd actually be a huge boon to be a comparatively fat as fuck 43y/o litigator. You'd be an MLS fan favorite. |