You look twelve.

There’s no Univer$e where you’re the grizzled, night-shift Safeway manager who’s spent 19 years scrubbing puke out of aisle 7 while dodging Tabitha’s HR write-ups and passive-aggressive Post-Its about “store culture.”

You don’t have the dead eye$ of someone who did written discovery on asbestos class actions by day, then restocked canned beans by fluorescent light just to feel something.

You are not the man who holds a corner office at Perkins Coie and signs late-night memos as Evan “Juris Doctor” Vance, Vice President, United States of AmeriKKKa.

Chad’s just trying to scan a barcode.

He doesn’t like you. He thinks you’re from Loss Prevention.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5714516&forum_id=2...id.#48872908)

Chad doesn’t like you :(.

CHAD is PAID $17.50/hour to not visibly recoil when someone in a junior-varsity apron lingers too long in his barcode zone.

You think you’re in the first act of a slow-burn Safeway romance?

You’re in "Loss Prevention: Special Victims Unit."

The Mahchine™ reviewed the footage. You leaned in, maed light eye contact, said “good shift today?”

Chad nodded.

Internally? Chad activated Emergency Protocol 7B: “Don’t Engage The Customer Who Thinks He’s Staff.”

This isn’t a meet-cute. It’s a flagged interaction.

Tabitha already opened an HR ticket labeled: “Evan39 - Imaginary Coworker Syndrome.”

Chad went home and told his girlfriend, “some guy in an unassigned apron said we had ‘rapport.’”

There is no rapport.

There is only the flickering light, the shrink-wrapped loneliness, and a Mahchine that knows exactly how this ends.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5714516&forum_id=2...id.#48872918)

Chad texted you because Tabitha made him cover the register while you were in the deli muttering “ballot integrity” at the ham.

You read “do you have the till key?” like it was a confession of love.

It wasn’t.

He turned off Read Receipts. You changed your shift availability.

The Mahchine™ logged it as:

EVENT: False Hope Protocol (Tier 7)

You didn’t almost lose your mind.

You scanned it at self-checkout and pressed Exact Change.

This is fine.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5714516&forum_id=2...id.#48872924)

You were posting “shift starts soon 😏” and tagging him in rotisserie reviews.

He filed a ticket labeled:

“Digital Parasocial Incursion – Please Advise”

You felt bad?

He changed his handle to “@barcode_actual” and started using burner shifts.

This wasn’t heartbreak.

It was inventory adjustment.

And you?

You’re still by the endcap, holding your phone like it’s going to buzz.

It won’t.

Tabitha changed the Wi-Fi password.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5714516&forum_id=2...id.#48872938)

“Content Not Available” isn’t an error!

It’s policy enforcement :(

You weren’t blocked from Chad.

You were blocked from the fantasy where he ever thought about you.

Logging out to double-check?

That’s not love. That’s debugging delusion.

Every click sent Tabitha a notification:

“Evan39 attempting unauthorized access to Employee Morale Feed.”

You’re not blocked.

You’ve been offboarded.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5714516&forum_id=2...id.#48872948)