Well… I did. And, in my defense—no, actually, I have no defense. I should be in prison for what I said.

So, I’m at this funeral. Super sad. Somber. You can hear people sniffling. The priest is doing the whole ‘ashes to ashes’ thing. The widow, Bridget, is front row, dressed in all black, very traditional, very prim. Looks like the kind of woman who would faint if she saw a man’s ankle.

And me? I’m sitting there thinking, "This is the perfect time for a joke." Because I’m an idiot. A massive idiot.

So I clear my throat, stand up in front of a room full of grieving people, and I say…

"He’s up there now, watching. No, not watching us. He’s in a place where all the mysteries of life are revealed.

"He’s probably watching a Tears in Heaven montage of Bridget’s orgasms with other men."

Now, when I said this, I thought I’d get a chuckle. Maybe a polite giggle. Hell, I thought the priest might even give me a respectful nod.

What I actually got… was silence. And not normal silence—primal, existential horror silence.

One guy gasped so hard I thought he swallowed his own soul. The priest clutched his rosary like he was trying to strangle the devil himself. Bridget? She looked at me like I had just unzipped my pants and started pissing directly into the casket.

I swear to God, even the dead guy looked disappointed.

And I’m standing there, looking around, and I’m like, "Tough crowd."

And the widow? Now she won’t even speak to me. Which is super hypocritical, because before the funeral, she was perfectly fine with an audience.

But I’m the bad guy now? I’m the villain? The room’s looking at me like I just punched the casket and yelled "NEXT!"

Long story short, I’m not welcome at funerals anymore. Or weddings. Or, honestly, anywhere people expect basic human decency.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5709917&forum_id=2...id.#48842970)