today we were at the grocery store and she fucking buys 2 bags of snacks and tries to hide them from me when we are checking out. i get mad, we have an argument about it (mostly her trying to explain that she was being good "and not eating the candy avaialble at work," while i lost my cool and basically just yelled at her saying i was sick of having these conversations/arguments and she either needed to lose the weight or else, and that i was disgusted that she'd try to hide it frmo me like that, etc.)

now she wont talk to me. she also worked out heavily and didn't eat lunch. obviously not sustainable, but should i view this as a net positive or am i fucked/ATD?

background - her mom is a fat fuck and she ahs repeatedly told me she refuses to end up like her mom

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422511)

while it's great you try to motivate her, shaming her eating habits and pressing workouts aren't sustainable

she has to wake up in the morning, want to do better for herself and commit to it without your prompting

Q: has she gained 20 pounds from a normal weight? was she thin before?

just curious

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422525)

she was normal weight before (5'6 130 or so, now 150 and not carrying it well)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422546)

maybe try an experiment where you approach this completely hands-off and see how she does

as long as you are in charge of food/fitness, the whole dynamic will also be fucked in your relationship

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422563)

2. dump if this is an issue. her weight will likely increase in the future or, at best, stay what it is now

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422535)

if she actually loses weight, that's icing on the cake(no pun)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422548)

her dad divorced her mom a few years ago because she was a fat annoying fuck so that's a sensitive issue there

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422558)

Just prepare yourself.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422570)

if not flame, you sound like a sociopath and the world would be better off if you killed self.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422573)

i assume shes had babbies or something

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422591)

my friend gave his gf an ultimatum - lose 25 pounds or no ring. their wedding is this weekend

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422586)

This made me sad. Like how I'd feel if a toddler accidentally broke a lamp, got yelled at, cried, and went and put a bandaid on the lamp and put his blankie next to it.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422604)

Totally unrelated tangent - my girlfriend stopped having sex with me for 2 years. Could have been medical who knows, but the point is we stopped. She wasn't cheating, I think she was just depressed.

Anyway. I broke up with her because of it. We were living together at the time. The next day when I came home she was dressed in lingerie and tried to jump me at the door. Red puffy eyes from crying all day.

It was devestating.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26423173)

she obviously doesn't care enough about her weight and appearance if she let herself blow up to 150 lbs. there are people who will not let themselves go and those who will. long-term, nobody can ever motivate you to lose weight if you don't feel an urge to do it yourself and no amount of others nagging you is going to change her own feelings about it. the fact that she wasn't disciplined enough to not purchase snacks and felt the need to hide it from you just shows that she's losing weight due to pressure from you and not she herself feels motivated to lose the weight.

this fight is going to continue for the rest of your life. if you don't have good genetics, maintaining and keeping weight means staying extremely disciplined, particularly as you age. she's fighting a losing battle against her mother's fat genes and your pressure is just going to make her resentful toward you and you're just going to grow more and more disgusted with her. do you want to be fighting over snacking when she's pregnant in 5 years? do you want to be fighting w/ her post-baby when she inevitably has problems losing the pregnancy weight? do you want to be fighting w/ her about this for the next 40-50 years?

you need to accept that you have a latent fatty on your hands and no amount of pressuring from you is going to change that. either you accept that she will be fat or you need to cut your losses now and leave.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422629)

between us posters, its fucking weird she tried to hide the snacks

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422638)

relationships are suppose to be btwn 2 adults, not one parenting the other and controlling their diet and exercise program. that's why this relationship is doomed in the long term.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422658)

thats why its fucking weird for the girl to hide the snacks. based on the information provided, she is the one who is not acting like an adult

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422723)

B minus

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422659)

(2) Even in Flameworld, she'll still get fat.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422727)

my ex was a 95-lb high school soccer player, probably an objective 8. her mom was well over 250 lb. i always wondered how that worked/happened.

as soon as she stopped playing sports, her weight immediately jumped almost 100 lbs in a 3 year span.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26422993)

http://www.mybodygallery.com/photos-36231-body-shape.htm?StartAt=13#.VCnjBmddXQI

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26423111)

1. This will be an ongoing battle. She is fighting her genes.

2. She is probably inevitably going to gain more weight than she already has.

3. Weight is clearly important to you and a dealbreaker. Consider it broken. This battle will never end. If you can't deal with her gaining some weight then it's time to call it quits.

4. Unless you met really young, I suspect that if you haven't even considered engagement after 5 years then you aren't planning to wife her anyway. Cut your losses and let her find someone else who will love her at the higher weights.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26423194)

so she isnt fighting her genes, she's fighting the snack industry's marketing/R+D (see books like "sugar sat falt - how the snack industry hooked us"). it's not a genetic thing, it's a fucking psychology thing - if you eat a lot of snacks your brain is hardwired to enjoy those snacks and get positive reinforcement from the snacks, so you continue to seek them out. that's what the entire snack industry is built on, maximizing crap like "mouthfeel" and the pleasure you get from snacking while minimizing the feeling of being full so you keep reaching for another snack.

i dont view it as differently thna quitting cigaerettes or drugs or whatever - people who switch to long term healthy diets slowly lose the urge to snack, there are studies on this shit (and pletny of personal/anecdotal exp as well)

so i think she can get over it but just needs to get over the hump. if it takes some dadding around im willing to do it. obviously i cant blow up at her and be mean adn shit, but i think it is something that can be overcome and all teh people itt saying that it's inevitable are wrong.

thoughts?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26423398)

Pasta bake with whole wheat farfalle, ricotta, fresh spinach, mushrooms, and crushed tomatoes.

I'm a vegetarian so I can't just do protein and veggies, and I can be kind of stuck with pastas sometimes, but I put a lot of vegetables into anything I cook. And if it's pasta-heavy, I have a salad or vegetable side dish and try to fill half my plate with that.

It's definitely important for her to try to like that kind of food better rather than junk (with the occasional splurge). Does she do most of the cooking or do you? Are you in a place where you might be able to do a CSA or anything? It really forces you to use new stuff and expand your cooking repertoire.

Have you sat with her and talked about this underlying issue? I think if it was phrased as "you need to eat healthier" vs "you are a fatass" then I think I would be more receptive to that. That being said, if she ate much healthier but still had trouble with her weight, would that still be a dealbreaker?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26423665)

Fat mom -> fat wife, HTH

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26423464)

nutella probably takes good care of herself and a lot of women like her are probably willing to defend fitness and take an honest stance on this weight loss/gain loop that a lot of women engage in because it's pathological and nearly impossible to combat permanently

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26425501)

If I want to lose weight, I follow a scientifically validated diet and exercise until I've lost the weight (or use drugs, or both).

If a girl wants to lose weight, she bitches to everyone, skips breakfast and then fills up on candy, follows a rice only diet some celeb recommended, etc.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26425504)

As opposed to all those other things girls are able to handle and take responsibility for?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26425515)

you need to do this via positive psych.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26426466)

This will only get worse once you're married and you no longer have any leverage over her, let alone once she starts to pop out babbies.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2687531&forum_id=2#26426596)