Things go well for him, until he wakes up the next morning with a pounding headache and a terrible hangover. He decides to rethink his life. And he'll do it while driving on the "loneliest road in the world" - Route 50. Route 50 connects Reno to Nevada, passing through absolutely nothing but desert.

https://i2.wp.com/unusualplaces.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/US_Highway_50_westbound_West_of_Eureka_NV.jpg

The signs on the road acknowledge it

https://media-cdn.tripadvisor.com/media/photo-s/02/4d/89/13/loneliest-highway-in.jpg

Andrew drives for hours through endless desert scenery thinking about all the ways in which his life has gone wrong.

After 12 hours of driving, he arrives in the small down of Delta, Utah. There, he parks on the side of the road and falls asleep.

In the morning, a little boy knocks on the car window and wakes Andrew up. "Do you know about Jesus Christ?", the boy asks.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35143364)

On the internet, Troy has met Harper, an attractive 21 year old who lives 133 miles north in the city of Hot Springs, South Dakota. That's a city of 3,000 people, bigger than any city in Sheridan County. Troy decides he is going to go up and visit Harper. When he tells Steve, Steve begs him to let him go along so he can get out of fucking Sheridan County.

The ride goes smoothly, and the GPS routes them through the Pine Ridge Reservation in southern South Dakota. Neither Steve nor Troy has ever been to an Indian reservation. Steve starts to get really excited. "I hear Indians do a lot of drugs," Steve says. "I bet they have some good shit!"

https://www.indianz.com/News/2017/06/06/pineridgereservation.jpg

As they enter the reservation, Steve is itching to get out and try to buy some drugs from some Indians. Troy tells him that he doesn't want to mess around, he needs to meet this girl and maybe move to South Dakota to get away from his parents.

There's not much on the reservation. Mostly shabby looking manufactured homes

https://energy.gov/sites/prod/files/styles/borealis_article_hero_respondxl/public/pineridgehousing.jpg?itok=2jb4c_in

A few dilapidated churches

http://static.panoramio.com/photos/large/82520380.jpg

Finally, they need to pull over for something. Steve runs out, and runs up to a nearby house

https://bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com/capjournal.com/content/tncms/assets/v3/editorial/1/10/110150a8-a75c-11e5-b5fb-e7a181a8d1b4/56771626936bc.image.jpg

A few minutes later, Steve returns to the car. "Man, those Indians didn't have any drugs," Steve says in a disappointed tone.

A few minutes later, they are back on the road. But not for long. A tribal law enforcement officer pulls them over and arrests them on suspicion of drug trafficking. Steve had apparently offered that random Sioux family some drugs in exchange for whatever kind of nonexistent Indian super-drugs that idiot Steve wanted to get. Instead of meeting up with a girl in Hot Springs, Troy is now calling his mom to bail him out of Indian reservation jail.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35143440)

The trip involves a lot of back roads in Pennsylvania. He passes through Williamsport, PA - the home of the Little League World Series. He stops to take a look at the stadium where the Little League World Series is played.

http://www.frontiernet.net/~rochballparks3/littleleague/03ll_fromhilltop.jpg

David sighs. He played Little League growing up. But he wasn't good enough to make the Little League World Series. He wasn't even good enough to play baseball at Cornell. Having a son that was good at baseball was one of his dad's dreams for him. He practiced hard, he took extra classes from hitting coaches, but he could never live up to his dad's dream of having a baseball star son.

Feeling like a failure, David drove on. His next stop was the Pennsylvania State Capitol in Harrisburg, PA

http://gravesdesigngroup.com/images/gallery/large/cap2.jpg

He took a tour of the inside of the building, and was inspired

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2f/Rotunda_of_Pennsylvania_State_Capitol_Building.jpg

He sped home from Harrisburg. He blew past York, PA, he blew past Gettysburg, he blew down I-70 past Frederick, MD, he got on the Beltway, by now it was dark and the lights of Tysons Corner were bright in his eyes. He sped to his parents house and got a warm welcome from his parents, proud to have a son who was attending the Ivy League.

"Mom, Dad, I've been thinking," David said. "I think I am changing my major. I don't want to major in Biology and go to med school. I'm sick of following your dreams. I want to follow my dreams. I'm going to major in Political Science and go to law school, so I can go into politics and make a difference."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35143558)

But as Jake grew up, he drifted from his childhood faith. He attended a prestigious Big 10 school in Evanston, IL and got a job as a journalist in the big city, Chicago. He wasn't making any money at his struggling media outlet, but at least he was living it up in River North.

One November, Jake decided to drive home for Thanksgiving, for the first time in years. He would take I-80 home. In Illinois, I-80 was a pretty boring road. It just cut through rows and rows of corn fields.

http://www.interstate80.info/i80w_ill_exit127.jpg

But once he crossed the border into Iowa, the real I-80 began. The stretch with all the truck stops.

http://roadsidewonders.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/Iowa80_1.jpg

Jake really needed go to to the restroom, so he pulled over at a truck stop. It was a seedy place. Dozens of trucks were pulled over. Girls were running up to each truck - he knew these were prostitutes

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/3XDt55CxkXY/hqdefault.jpg

some of them were haggered and old. Some were young - one looked underaged. Big, rough-looking truckers with long beards were evaluating them, fondling them, going into the back of the truck with them.

Jake shivered. He went inside the truck stop. On his way out of the bathroom, he decided to stop in the truck stop gift shop

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MkPdSykj1as/UretVgJcGYI/AAAAAAAAAIQ/xOYfku_VR4g/s1600/IMG_4865.JPG

As he was looking at a magnet, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around, and there was a man he had never seen before. But...somehow he felt familiar.

"Jake, God wants you to help these people."

"How do you know my name?"

"Jake, when you get back from your parents house, use your money to build a church along I-80. God wants you to bring the Gospel to the people of this sinful road. You will save them."

"What? I don't have any money," Jake protested. "I'm a broke journalist."

The man smiled and walked away. Suddenly, Jake realized that the man bore a strong resemblance to a portrait of St. Christopher that his father had in his car for many years.

Shrugging it off, Jake walked past the lot lizards back to his car. He drove the remaining hour or two to Des Moines, and joined his parents. But his parents weren't alone. They had a man with them: the family attorney.

"Jake, remember your Great Uncle Harold?", the attorney said. "He passed away last week. It turns out that he made millions of dollars investing in real estate. And he left you as his sole heir."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35143697)

En route to Morgantown, they decide to stop at a popular tourist attraction, the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum. It's a creepy, abandoned insane asylum.

https://media.mnn.com/assets/images/2012/10/asy_main.jpg.560x0_q80_crop-smart.jpg

They decide to take a nighttime "ghost tour" of the place. It's supposed to be super haunted.

The interior is creepy as fuck:

http://criswellphotography.com/wp-content/gallery/things-that-move-us/2-2016-NO-Smoking.jpg

http://www.shapingbeauty.net/images/shapingbeauty/17856/00-childrens-insane-unit.jpg

Suddenly, during the tour, a loud, crashing noise comes from the next room over. Even the tour guide is afraid for a few seconds. Turns out, it's nothing: a rotten plank of wood had fallen from the ceiling. Nobody was harmed. But it's too late for Stan, who has peed his pants.

"Damnit, I pissed myself!", Stan yells. Everyone on the tour group, including Hunter, laughs. "Damnit, this isn't funny!", Stan replies. "I peed my pants like a little kid!"

Stan and Hunter go back to the car. They get some paper towels from their tailgate supply and cover the front passenger seat with it, so Stan and his pee pants can sit there without damaging the upholstery. When they get to Morgantown, they buy him some new pants from a 24 hour Wal-Mart.

The next morning, they wake up in their Morgantown motel room. Hunter asks Stan if he's ready for a day of tailgating. "Nah," Stan says. "I've got some things to think about. Go ahead and tailgate without me, I'll meet you at the game."

Hunter spends the day partying with other Mountaineer fans in the parking lot. Evening comes, and they go into the stadium for the game. Shortly before kickoff, Stan finally arrives. He looks happy, happier than Hunter has seen him in years.

By the 4th quarter, Hunter has had to use the bathroom twice. Stan hasn't left his seat. "Hey why haven't you gotten up at all," Hunter asks Stan. "Are you afraid to pee after last night?"

"I'm no longer afraid to pee," Stan says with smile. "I'm no longer afraid of anything. I wear a diaper now."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35143791)

Coming along with them on this roadtrip is Hailey, a nerdy girl who was in their high school class. She insisted - she is also very interested in seeing graves of US presidents. Hailey is homely and wears thick glasses, but the two boys have both had a crush on her for years.

They first visit the grave of Millard Fillmore in Buffalo, NY

https://i.pinimg.com/474x/a7/a3/55/a7a355a6a0a1c5202132e5ae539629c7--us-presidents-american-presidents.jpg

Then they visit the grave of Chester A. Arthur near Albany

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/5d/The_Peace_Hat_and_President_Chester_Arthur%2C_1829_-_1886_%283435827496%29.jpg

Also near Albany they visit the grave of Martin Van Buren in Kinderhook, NY

https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/president-martin-van-buren-gravesite-kinderhook-ny-burial-site-54770273.jpg

Up next: Franklin Pierce in Concord, NH

http://www.presidentsusa.net/piercegravesite3.jpg

Then, an arduous journey into the wilds of rural Vermont, where they see the grave of Calvin Coolidge

http://www.presidentsusa.net/coolidgegravesite3.jpg

The entire time, the three of them debate about US history. Who was the best Secretary of State? Was the Spanish-American War justified? Who was the most underrated founding father?

Hailey has been flirting with both boys, but to no effect. As they go through Vermont and New Hampshire, she gets really aggressive, but again, they never reply.

Finally, in Vermont, she decides to do something that will surely get their attention. He sits down and starts sobbing. Surely, one of those boys will come and try to cheer her up, and that will be her in. But after she cries for 5 straight minutes, nothing happens. She looks up, and through her teary eyes she sees Wyatt and Silas. They are holding hands with each other and laughing at her.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35143866)

Except, Aiden is not truly a lib. He is a writer for Tucker Carlson, on a deep cover mission to infiltrate libs and show how insane they are.

Today they are seeing TJL in Lake County, Indiana - aka where Gary, Indiana is, the bluest part of Indiana. Aiden is near his breaking point. He can't stand to see THAT scene again...you know the one. Finally, he can't take it anymore. At a diner where they are working on their article, Aiden excuses himself from the group, runs into a restroom, and screams "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!" He shouts it 20 times.

He comes out and Sarah and Liam are glaring at him.

"Is something wrong?", Aiden asks.

Sarah and Liam keep glaring. Liam crosses his arms. Sarah reaches for a knife.

"Ok look," Aiden says. "Admiral Holdo spends the entire movie whitesplaining to Poe, a person of color. This is not okay."

Liam smiles. "I'm glad somebody else noticed that. It's really problematic."

"What the hell??", Sarah shouts. "Admiral Holdo is a highly qualified and experienced woman. She does not need to be lectured by a mediocre man"

Sarah and Liam turn on each other. In the ruckus, Aiden escapes and heads back to FOX News HQ.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35144200)

The two are making good time through Pennsylvania when they stop at a Sheetz to take a break. Bubba and Pete go into the Sheetz and find it abandoned. Only a single employee is beyond the counter.

As Bubba walks towards the bathroom, the lone worker warns him - "don't go in that bathroom. He's in there. The feller with the beady eyes."

Bubba laughs. "If the feller with the beady eyes is in there, why isn't there a huge line!"

"He's changed," said the store clerk. "He's what not what used to be - too hungry now. He's changed. You don't want to go in there."

Pete now moves up to the counter. "I ain't afraid of no feller with the beady eyes. If he's hungry, then I'm cooking!"

Pete barges past the employee, goes into the bathroom. From outside, everyone can hear the sound of Pete unzipping his pants.

"Oh look at you there lil feller," they hear Pete say. "Look at your hungry little eyes, hungry for MY CUM!"

A few seconds later, they hear Pete again - "oh yeah, that's a hungry hole you have. A hungry hole!"

A minute passes, maybe two. They hear Pete panting and moaning.

"Enough!" - they hear Pete yell - "I've given you enough! No! No!!"

Then silence. Bubba and the clerk look at each other. The clerk gives him a deranged smile.

A few seconds later, the feller with the beady eyes runs out of the bathroom, stark naked. He looks Bubba right in the face, hisses, scratches the floor, and runs away towards the highway.

Bubba runs to the bathroom to check on Pete.

"Oh, you won't find your friend in there. He's in the hole now. I told you the hole was hungry!"

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35144272)

They decided to plan a roadtrip to Alabama to hang out with frat boys and live their dreams. They all took the same week off, got into a car, and began driving south.

They took I-78 out of Manhattan through New Jersey and Pennsylvania, ignoring signs for destinations like Allentown or Harrisburg. They then took I-81 through the Shenandoah Valley, through Martinsburg, WV and Winchester, VA, before stopping for the night in Lexington, VA. Josh wanted to spend the next morning in Lexington, VA hanging out with Washington and Lee frat boys, but the others insisted that they needed to go straight to Alabama.

They took I-81 through Roanoke and Bristol. They were in the Great Smokey Mountains now. Knoxville, TN - home of the University of Tennessee - was just off the road. Josh again wanted to stop there. The others said that, no Tennessee was not a real SEC school anymore. They needed to go to Alabama.

They left the mountains, passed through Chattanooga, and finally entered the state of Alabama. A few hours after crossing the state line, they arrived at their destination: Tuscaloosa.

It was now 11:00 PM at night. They went straight to frat row, expecting it to be a LIT scene with wild parties and hot college chicks. They were surprised to see it almost completely deserted.

"Oh yeah, it's July," said Eric. "School's not in session in July. They probably don't have too many frat parties during the summer."

Ryan laughed at the situation. Josh started hyperventilating and left the car. He staggered down an empty frat row, disappearing into the night. His wheezing became fainter and fainter, until the other two guys could no longer hear it. They never did see him again.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35148414)

Ebeneezer decides to sell his rowhouse in Georgetown and move to the west. First, he hitches a ride on the Chesapeake and Ohio Canal. In Georgetown, he boards a mule-driven flat boat. Several days later, after passing through dozens of locks, he arrives at the canal's terminus, the city of Cumberland, Maryland. Cumberland is a bustling place, where miners load coal and ore onto big canal boats that are floated towards Washington DC. It's too big for him: he decides to move further west. Ebeneezer boards a wagon that is heading west on the National Road.

The wagon takes him to Wheeling, Virginia - a bustling transportation hub on the Ohio River. But Wheeling is already a well-developed town, and Ebeneezer wants to be a real pioneer. Staying just long enough in Wheeling to see a play, he boards another wagon west.

Next up, Ebeneezer stops in Zanesville, Ohio - a city that has been well established for over 20 years. It's too big for him. So is Columbus, the next stop. Ebeneezer keeps riding the National Road until he reaches the relatively new state of Indiana.

Finally, he gets dropped off in Terre Haute, Indiana. It is a city of just under 1,000 people which is still in the process of filing with the state government to be incorporated. This is a place that might need a country lawyer, Ebeneezer thinks. He decides to stay in Terre Haute. He opens a law office and eventually becomes a successful attorney on Terre Haute's main street, successfully bringing cases for local residents and small business owners. He marries the daughter of a German farmer who owns large tracts of land outside the city. He also involves himself in town politics and becomes something of a founding father in Terre Haute.

By the late 1850's, the 50-something year old Ebeneezer is elected to serve three terms in the Indiana state legislature. He dies in 1864 as a wealthy 64 year old man with six children: shortly before his passing, he learns that his eldest son has been promoted to the rank of Colonel in the Union Army.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35148576)

Helen proved to be an unusually bright girl, the highest performer in her preschool and first grade classes. She did have a weird quirk: she loved to sit on her iPad all day and look at Google Maps. And she would always look at New Hampshire. Some days, she would stare at maps of New Hampshire for hours.

Aaron and his wife divorced when Helen was about 9 years old. Aaron didn't have much custody of little Helen, but had her for about a month every summer. During this time, he tried to spoil her and let her do all the things her mother wouldn't let her do.

"Daddy, I need to go to New Hampshire", Helen said one day. "Mount Washington. I need to go to Mount Washington."

Wanting to give the girl a treat, Aaron agreed to take his daughter to New Hampshire. They got into a car and drove all day until they got to the base of Mount Washington, the tallest mountain in New Hampshire.

"We need to wait until night, Daddy. I need to climb Mount Washington at night."

Aaron shrugged and agreed. They waited in their car until nightfall, then started climbing up Mount Washington. He was surprised at how well Helen could climb: until now, she had not shown a lot of athletic ability.

Suddenly, Aaron saw flashing lights in the sky. They got closer and closer, until he realized he was seeing a flying saucer - a real life alien spaceship. Helen stood in the center of a clearing on the mountain, and a beam of light from the UFO shined onto her.

"Daddy - thank you for everything. I'm going home now."

With that, Helen disappeared into the UFO, which quickly flew away. Aaron stood there all alone, wondering how he was going to explain this to the police.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35148684)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35154006)

LU-3137 was assigned to work on appellate mining law in the Sextantis Sector. When a large interstellar mining conglomerate needed to argue a case in front of the Sextantis Court of Appeals, LU-3137 conducted legal research to assist his superiors in drafting briefs and motions. Soon, his legal uniform had many medals from research well done.

At the start of his 7th year in the Sextantis Sector, LU-3137 was summoned to his commanding legal officer's meditation center. There, his boss, LU-2999, was suspended in a hyperbaric chamber, his thoughts focused on the glory of the law. A computer connected to LU-2999's mind communicated with LU-3137.

"LU-3137 - we have a special matter for you. A client has purchased property on the planet Earth, the original home planet of our species. The client believes that there may be valuable ore on this property. But to confirm that our client's title is sound, you must seek out prehistoric records in the ruins of a Trump-era courthouse. Find the place once called Pitts-Burg."

"But sir, wasn't that region of Earth devastated in the Solarii War?"

"Yes, LU-3137 - which is why you will be signing the appropriate asset management paperwork to be issued a protective suit. We will also send two escort bots to protect you from the...wildlife"

"It shall be an honor to complete this mission for the client." LU-3137 kneeled in reverence to his commanding legal officer, then left to begin his journey.

A small scoutship took him and his escorts to Earth, and they landed in a small safe zone several miles outside the ruins of "Pitts-Burg".

"Confederation rule ends outside of this zone," he was warned. "The Confederation cannot protect you from what lies behind."

"I am duty bound to enter the ruins," LU-3137 said. He then donned his protective gear, boarded a hovertank, and left in the direction of the courthouse, his two escort bots flying with him on either side. Though "Pitts-Burg" was once a major human city, in the thousands of years since the Solarii Wars the ruins had been swallowed by a radioactive forest.

For three or four minutes, it seemed easy. The courthouse was just a few miles away - he would be there shortly. Nothing in the forest seemed to be moving. Suddenly, his escort bots became excited.

"LU-3137, hostile life forms ahead!"

"Fire a warning shot," the attorney replied.

"The client will not pay for a warning shot. We are on strict orders to fire only when necess-" the bot was cut off, struck by a primitive rocket of some kind. The escort bot on the other side began firing, but was similarly destroyed a few seconds later. LU-3137 was alone in his hovertank, facing an unknown enemy in the woods ahead.

LU-3137 put on his combat goggles. Ahead, he could see the heat signatures of a dozen or so humanoid figures. They had the bodies of men, but the heads of wolves - perhaps they were mutants who had been created by the radioactivity. They were armed with 21st century weapons, including rocket-propelled grenades and primitive shoulder-launched missiles.

"My hovertank will make short work of these primitives," LU-3137 thought. A single shot from his main cannon could probably take out most of them. He aimed for the center of their formation, pressed the big red button...and nothing. His tank would not fire.

He was close enough to the wolf-men to hear them growl. The leader barked an order to his subordinates, who fired all of their missiles at the hovertank at once.

An automated "SHIELDS FAILING" alert was the last thing that LU-3137 heard, before he was killed by radioactive gas seeping into his vehicle. Soon, he would be torn to bits by hungry wolf-men, glad to have found such an easy meal.

Back in the Sextantis Sector, LU-2999 emerged from his meditation chamber. "The hovertank should have failed by now," he told his secretary. "I shall be on my way to the Hydrae System to recruit LU-3137's replacement. It is a shame he was not partner material."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35148866)

Brilliant

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35148952)

He opened a window and started to squeeze his slender frame out. The knocks kept coming - finally, whoever was outside knocked the door down, just as doobs managed to get out via the window. He got only a glimpse of the intruder, a massive man whom he assumed was a Los Zetas hitman out for revenge. A hitman with a hideously deformed nose.

As he ran through the Indiana University campus, doobs thought of ways he could apologize to Los Zetas. Maybe he could trade them something of value: names and addresses of AutoAdmit poasters, or personal phone numbers of MLB players. Why would they need to kill him, when they could let him live and blackmail Bryce Harper instead.

Doobs probably should have spent less time thinking and more time looking at his surroundings - because just as he got the Bryce Harper idea, he hit a tree. He became unconscious for a few seconds. And when he came to, he saw a massive man with a pig snout standing over him.

"What the hell are you!"

"RHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" replied the creature. Then doobs went unconscious again.

He woke up in chains in the back of a big rig tractor-trailer. For days, he was in the darkness as the truck bounced over potholes - across the Mississippi River, across the Missouri River, across the rockies. Without food and water, doobs became weak. Unable to access a bathroom, he became filthy with his own waste. He thought for sure that he would die back there.

Dehydrated and starved, doobs flinched when the back door of the truck swung open and exposed him to sunlight. Temporarily blinded, he could only feel and hear as somebody unchained him, threw him over their shoulder, and carried him out of the truck. When his eyes finally adjusted to daylight, he saw a hideous bald man sitting on a throne before him.

"Who are you", doobs asked. "Are you going to kill me? I can give you twist pics"

"Kill you? I am going to let you truly live for the first time in your life. Nobody has ever believed in you. Not your mother who was worried about your sexuality. Not your professors who assigned you mediocre grades. Not those lawyers you hung out with on the internet, who despised you. But I see your true potential - your latent ability to please thousands of men who ship goods across our nation's highways."

Doobs didn't understand. "What are you going to do to me?"

"I shall train you. By the end of today, you will call me LORD Halford. And you will be on your way to becoming the hungriest FLITH PIG that Interstate 80 has ever seen!"

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35148939)

Bill got out and checked the car. There didn’t seem to be much damage. They decided to continue on their trip.

“Hey, lets see if the radio still works,” Dennis said. None of their usual FM channels were working…but the seek function was able to find one channel.

“This is 92.7 THE FEAR”, the radio said.

Bill and Dennis looked at each other - they had never heard of such a station in Georgia. Maybe it was a South Carolina thing?

“This is your boy spritezero,” the radio said. “Up next it's Random, Brief Sensory Memory of How Your Childhood Back Yard Smelled in Spring by The Oppressive, Sterile Scents of the Office Kitchen"

Bill and Dennis had never heard of the song or the band - but it seemed catchy enough, even if it was a bit weird. They decided to keep the radio on 92.7.

"After the break we'll continue our mellow afternoon set with "Time Moves in Excruciating Infinitesimal Increments" by Life Slipping Away under Florescent Lights & the Stale Recycled Office Air"

"Next, a special for all of the hard-working fathers out there: "Where's Dada? I Want to Play." by Confused Toddler Still in Christmas PJs Being Ignored By SAHM Using $1129 iPad Pro to Play Candy Crush."

"Next up at the bottom of this hour is "Memories of Carefree 2-week Easter Breaks" from Best Bros Sleepover During HBO Real Sex Marathon off their album You'll Never Be Happier Than This, But You Don't Know It Yet"

"It's "If I Killed Myself (I'd Be Remembered As Better Than I Am)" by The Lunching Alone Band"

Weirdly, as they drove up I-95, the station kept playing - it never cut out, the signal never weakened. By the time they hit Virginia, they were hooked.

Finally, they made it to New York City. As they got out of the car, Dennis paused for a second. "Hey Bill - were you wearing a suit when we started driving? Because you're wearing a suit now"

Bill looked at his sleeves, and sure enough he was wearing a conservative business suit. He looked at himself in the car mirror - and was horrified to see the hair on the front of his scalp missing. He looked at Dennis, and Dennis had a huge bald spot on the back of his head.

"What the hell happened to us?!", Bill shouted.

"I don't know," said Dennis. "But I have I have 37 new emails on my BlackBerry"

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35149076)

He had been in Times Square when New York found out about the assassination. He had been in JFK's home state of Massachusetts to see Boston gasp in disbelief. He had been to Chicago, Los Angeles, Philadelphia...all the big cities. He had even seen the assassination in person, and laughed as paramedics vainly tried to save the fatally wounded POTUS. Recently, he had tried to time his trips so that he drove through small towns just as news of the assassination broke. He loved to see diners full of shocked small town losers glued to the TV.

For his 71st trip back to 1963, he decided to do something special. This time, he would go to CANADA to see how the morons up there would whine and cry about the death of a leader who wasn't even theirs.

Zach set a course for Toronto, Ontario - November 22, 1963. But he forgot to factor in the fact that there was a meteor shower that night. So instead, he ended up in Albany, New York on November 21, 1963.

No biggie, Zach thought. He had an entire day to drive into Canada. He decided to see Niagara Falls on his way up there. But in Buffalo, his car hit the biggest pothole that he had ever seen. From the smell, he knew that he was fucked - that was the smell of a broken Time Dilation Engine. Zach was now stuck in 1963. In Buffalo, NY, no less.

But he didn't panic: emotion was for the losers he came back in time to laugh at, after all. He put together a plan. First, he sold the chassis of the Corvette. Second, he began investing in companies that he knew would make it big. By the end of the 60's, he was a millionaire. By the start of the 1990's, his investments in tech companies had made him one of the wealthiest men in America. But he kept a low profile, trying to change the future as little as possible.

By now he hated Bills fans, but he knew what they didn't. Zach bought great seats to all four of the Super Bowls the Bills went on to lose from 1990 to 1994. He relished the emotional anguish he saw sitting with Buffalo fans.

After the Bills were blown out by the Cowboys for their 4th consecutive Super Bowl loss, Zach sprang into action to change the timeline. He used his money to buy the Buffalo Bills. During the offseason, he spent heavily on free agents he knew would pan out. The 1994-1995 Buffalo Bills were their most unstoppable team yet, winning the division easily and coasting through the playoffs. By the time they got to Miami for Super Bowl XXXIX, they were clear favorites. The stadium was 75% Bills fans.

The new-look Bills took a 28-0 lead into the 4th quarter. That's when Zach picked up the phone to his head coach, whom he had implanted with a mind control chip (as somebody from the future, he knew how to build those). In fact, the entire Bills team was implanted. Zach would begin calling the worst plays he could think of, and his team of mind-slaves would executive them perfectly. It was time to break Buffalo's heart with an epic meltdown.

As the clock ran out, the scoreboard read San Francisco 36, Buffalo 28. Zach was laughing his ass off in a luxury suite.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3857749&forum_id=2#35149276)