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Poast new message in this thread
Date: May 29th, 2018 4:55 PM Author: Brass mildly autistic resort double fault
Here's what I think. In marriage, you are going to lose, it's inevitable. You lose more than you gain. You lose control of your money, your time, and to a certain extent, your identity. That's part of the deal, always has been. However, that's not to discount what you gain in marriage. First, children are (in my opinion) bring the purest joy and happiness that I have ever experienced in my life, and as my girls grow, I am constantly amazed at how much I hang on everything they do. I hate ever being away from them because I know that their childhood is a very short part of their (any my) life and I don't want to miss anything. It is also very fulfilling to me to provide them with guidance, education, and the intense love and bond that only a father can bring to a girl child.
Also, not to be discounted, is that marriage is your entry into true adult life. Until you are married, life in many ways is an extension of adolescence. As a married person, you are presented the prospect of living with another adult human being and negotiating them, yourself, and your relationship in a way that leads to happiness (whatever that means). I have much more in common with my married friends and family today than I do with my single friends, and there is a level of maturity, advancement, or achievement (I'm not sure the right word here) that makes me feel like I am a full grown adult savoring the human life as it was intended to be lived.
Now, as for crazy wife avoidance. First, understand that I failed in that regard. My wife is so selfish and short sighted that I have no idea how I will be able to stay married much longer. Her lack of interest and compassion towards the children is intolerable. Last night was supposed to be her night because I had to be in the office at 5 AM to do witness prep, and I woke to the sound of her crying and our baby crying. She was yelling at the baby because the baby woke her up and she didn't know what was wrong. The baby was simply hungry, no big. However, at this point she is so emotional that I don't trust her to care for our baby anymore, so I kept the baby with me on the couch (where I sleep, aka "daddy's bed" as our 3 year old calls it).
What to watch for. I would be very sensitive towards selfish attitudes and a overly strong focus on herself. Ultimately, most bad character traits come from a need to satisfy some sort of personal need, and a woman who is constantly needing things (or service) for herself is trouble.
Warning signs for selfishness: a focus on material things and conspicuous consumption tendencies have to be warning signs. A lack of close friends or close relationships with family is bad too, as it could mean that either other people can't put up with her shit or that she simply doesn't value human relationships to the same level as satisfying material wants.
Honestly, I don't really know how to avoid selfish women, because they are all selfish to a certain level. I suppose the difference between the good ones and the bad ones is that you (on a personal level) can handle the woman your with. It has to be said here that there are plenty of women who are masters at hiding their true selves, so this is a dangerous game.
Shit man, really, it might just be a game of chance. The rewards for marriage are high (despite the cost) and it would be a shame to not go all-in at least once in your life, so I think you just do your best and understand that there is a large element of chance here.
EDIT: it's heartbreaking for me that I don't think I can manage much longer. I love my kids so much and I want them to have a happy family and a happy life. I don't know what else to do.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36146757) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 4:52 PM Author: Brass mildly autistic resort double fault
I'm not, if for any reason, the years of this have solidly chipped away any desire I have to be with her, and she knows it. When I say "be with her," I mean actually physically in the same room with her. I don't want to leave her because I'm scared to (1) lose the kids in a custody battle, or (2) even if I win, which I would likely win, I am still going to have to drop these kid off with her for visitations, holidays, etc. She cannot handle these children at all, and I suspect that it will only get worse as they get older. She can't handle the 3 year old by herself for more than a few minutes at a time, I can't imagine what she would do if she had a full weekend with her without help.
I fulfill my duties as a husband, and I take my responsibilities towards my kids seriously because I want them to have a wonderful childhood, like I did.
As a husband though, it has to be tough on her knowing that I dislike spending time with her. Now, this is 100% of her own doing, but she will never be able to see that. It still has to hurt her.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36153870) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 3:27 PM Author: bearded party of the first part sound barrier
They are all indeed selfish to some level.
I think the key to keep in mind in almost every marriage with children--and you will hear this from very successful, accomplished men, too--is that the husband/father very quickly becomes the least important person in the house. His desires and needs will always be last. We are not the squeaky wheels; our job is to be the stoic provider. We go from being partners to being the very bottom rung, beneath people who are (temporarily, hopefully) incapable of demonstrating appreciation.
You'd better be damn sure that you're comfortable with this arrangement and that you trust your woman to at least occasionally remember that you exist beyond being the person who is financially responsible for everything that she and the kids enjoy.
Women are much more selfish in making their "needs" (i.e. wants) known to the world, while we're left to figure shit out while deciding whether to sleep, prep for the next work day / get out the 5 things you promised today, fast forward through the game on mute for 45 mins of simple pleasure, take care of endless projects around the house, jerk off, etc.
(Mothers have busy days, too, but it's different.)
Like Muscadine Wine, I also don't think that you can predict this with certainty. There's a lot of luck involved, and being married with children is such a dramatic change in lifestyle from being high-earning DINKs. The best proxy we have are the general xo guidelines: Look hard at her family; make sure that he has healthy relationships with people; not too materialistic; little social media presence / not keeping up with the Joneses; etc.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36153144) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:19 PM Author: exciting liquid oxygen prole
my wife is interested in it but is not naturally predisposed to it nor a super competent mother (in terms of caring for multiple children, taking care of the household, etc). i've accepted in the short-term that it will suck but hold out hope that life will improve in a few years once the youngest is 3-4. i'm constantly envious of guys whose wives just take care of everything at home without complaint
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154092)
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:33 PM Author: Grizzly genital piercing
"You lose more than you gain."
Lost me there, but most of the rest is CR.
As for your situation, how much have you and your wife really talked to each other about the problems in your marriage/relationship?
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154194) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:44 PM Author: Grizzly genital piercing
Was it always that way?
If there is one piece of advice I would give to people about relationships it's that being able to work together as a team is the most important thing, and that doesn't happen without communication. It's real easy for resentment to build when you're stewing, and harder if you talk it out with your partner.
I think that's more important that whether a woman likes to cook/clean or whether a man wants to work or watch TV or whatever. If you work well at solving problems *together* that's 90% of the battle.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154255) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:30 PM Author: pale talented mood
Divorce rates are pretty low amongst educated professionals everywhere. If you’re talking about LA, land of Hollywood celebrities and Mexican gangbangers, then yeah, divorce rates are high in certain groups.
Xoxo also attracts a certain type of person, mostly male who are misogynistic and superficial wrt the women. Needless to say, that sort of attitude may not attract the best female candidates for marriage.
At this point, prob 80% of my friend group is married. Maybe half are in so so marriage where there is some element of discontent or settling (or I perceive some discontent based on one or both spouses, even if they’re outwardly happy) but it’s milder stuff that doesn’t spell divorce but more like a mediocre marriage. there isn’t anything extreme like you or thunder collins where there is likely diagnosable anxiety and mental illness and somebody is actually a bad parent.
I don’t know anybody who is a bad parent like yelling at their baby. I don’t think it’s that hard to avoid marrying somebody who is fundamentally a batshit crazy person.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154168) |
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