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Date: May 24th, 2018 1:38 PM Author: bateful abode telephone Brother, really enjoy your wife threading and related warnings (eg manipulating men by seeming helpless or assuming a false victim status). Have you ever given fuller advice on here re how the rest of us might avoid your fate, eg things to look for or avoid? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36119512) |
Date: May 24th, 2018 7:28 PM Author: bateful abode telephone (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36121875) |
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Date: May 24th, 2018 7:30 PM Author: Mustard fragrant casino travel guidebook (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36121883) |
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Date: May 29th, 2018 4:38 PM Author: bateful abode telephone (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36146658) |
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Date: May 29th, 2018 4:39 PM Author: Rough-skinned stimulating dilemma Reporting for duty. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36146667) |
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Date: May 29th, 2018 4:44 PM Author: Mustard fragrant casino travel guidebook (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36146696) |
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Date: May 29th, 2018 4:55 PM Author: Rough-skinned stimulating dilemma Here's what I think. In marriage, you are going to lose, it's inevitable. You lose more than you gain. You lose control of your money, your time, and to a certain extent, your identity. That's part of the deal, always has been. However, that's not to discount what you gain in marriage. First, children are (in my opinion) bring the purest joy and happiness that I have ever experienced in my life, and as my girls grow, I am constantly amazed at how much I hang on everything they do. I hate ever being away from them because I know that their childhood is a very short part of their (any my) life and I don't want to miss anything. It is also very fulfilling to me to provide them with guidance, education, and the intense love and bond that only a father can bring to a girl child.
Also, not to be discounted, is that marriage is your entry into true adult life. Until you are married, life in many ways is an extension of adolescence. As a married person, you are presented the prospect of living with another adult human being and negotiating them, yourself, and your relationship in a way that leads to happiness (whatever that means). I have much more in common with my married friends and family today than I do with my single friends, and there is a level of maturity, advancement, or achievement (I'm not sure the right word here) that makes me feel like I am a full grown adult savoring the human life as it was intended to be lived.
Now, as for crazy wife avoidance. First, understand that I failed in that regard. My wife is so selfish and short sighted that I have no idea how I will be able to stay married much longer. Her lack of interest and compassion towards the children is intolerable. Last night was supposed to be her night because I had to be in the office at 5 AM to do witness prep, and I woke to the sound of her crying and our baby crying. She was yelling at the baby because the baby woke her up and she didn't know what was wrong. The baby was simply hungry, no big. However, at this point she is so emotional that I don't trust her to care for our baby anymore, so I kept the baby with me on the couch (where I sleep, aka "daddy's bed" as our 3 year old calls it).
What to watch for. I would be very sensitive towards selfish attitudes and a overly strong focus on herself. Ultimately, most bad character traits come from a need to satisfy some sort of personal need, and a woman who is constantly needing things (or service) for herself is trouble.
Warning signs for selfishness: a focus on material things and conspicuous consumption tendencies have to be warning signs. A lack of close friends or close relationships with family is bad too, as it could mean that either other people can't put up with her shit or that she simply doesn't value human relationships to the same level as satisfying material wants.
Honestly, I don't really know how to avoid selfish women, because they are all selfish to a certain level. I suppose the difference between the good ones and the bad ones is that you (on a personal level) can handle the woman your with. It has to be said here that there are plenty of women who are masters at hiding their true selves, so this is a dangerous game.
Shit man, really, it might just be a game of chance. The rewards for marriage are high (despite the cost) and it would be a shame to not go all-in at least once in your life, so I think you just do your best and understand that there is a large element of chance here.
EDIT: it's heartbreaking for me that I don't think I can manage much longer. I love my kids so much and I want them to have a happy family and a happy life. I don't know what else to do.
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Date: May 29th, 2018 9:19 PM Author: bateful abode telephone Ty so, so much. You come across as a good dude, and it's clear you've spent a lot of time thinking about relationships and the highs and lows. Obviously hope things turn around with your wife. Regardless of what the external world gives you, it seems like you have a solid, principled approach. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36148348) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 7:10 AM Author: Rough-skinned stimulating dilemma It's hard because there is some sort of crisis every day, multiple times a day, and my wife is perma-furious, so it's hard to keep a good frame of mind.
Really though, the only way that I deal with this well is with booze. |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 3:05 PM Author: bateful abode telephone :| Brother, I don’t think it’s great to view booze as the answer here. Not like I have any clue whar would be better but seems like it would worth trying to find an alternative. Appreciate your candor in any event. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36152976) |
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Date: May 29th, 2018 9:33 PM Author: white newt Christ I co-sign about 90% of this. My wife isn’t selfish, but she’s so easily angered and holds grudges forever. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36148441) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 7:24 AM Author: Aquamarine Nudist Site Nowag "guess Ill just keep having more babies until I figure out what to do" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36150359) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 8:04 AM Author: chest-beating irradiated resort Kids with siblings fare better after divorce. Someone to commiserate with, and part of the family not torn suddenly. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36150420) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 3:13 PM Author: Frisky arousing parlor lol jesus christ this is one of the most depressing things i've ever read. you are a strong person to be able to have made it this far under these conditions. good luck (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36153037) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 3:27 PM Author: Cerebral Bistre Old Irish Cottage He's a saint. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36153147) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 4:52 PM Author: Rough-skinned stimulating dilemma I'm not, if for any reason, the years of this have solidly chipped away any desire I have to be with her, and she knows it. When I say "be with her," I mean actually physically in the same room with her. I don't want to leave her because I'm scared to (1) lose the kids in a custody battle, or (2) even if I win, which I would likely win, I am still going to have to drop these kid off with her for visitations, holidays, etc. She cannot handle these children at all, and I suspect that it will only get worse as they get older. She can't handle the 3 year old by herself for more than a few minutes at a time, I can't imagine what she would do if she had a full weekend with her without help.
I fulfill my duties as a husband, and I take my responsibilities towards my kids seriously because I want them to have a wonderful childhood, like I did.
As a husband though, it has to be tough on her knowing that I dislike spending time with her. Now, this is 100% of her own doing, but she will never be able to see that. It still has to hurt her. |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 3:27 PM Author: Cerebral Bistre Old Irish Cottage They are all indeed selfish to some level.
I think the key to keep in mind in almost every marriage with children--and you will hear this from very successful, accomplished men, too--is that the husband/father very quickly becomes the least important person in the house. His desires and needs will always be last. We are not the squeaky wheels; our job is to be the stoic provider. We go from being partners to being the very bottom rung, beneath people who are (temporarily, hopefully) incapable of demonstrating appreciation.
You'd better be damn sure that you're comfortable with this arrangement and that you trust your woman to at least occasionally remember that you exist beyond being the person who is financially responsible for everything that she and the kids enjoy.
Women are much more selfish in making their "needs" (i.e. wants) known to the world, while we're left to figure shit out while deciding whether to sleep, prep for the next work day / get out the 5 things you promised today, fast forward through the game on mute for 45 mins of simple pleasure, take care of endless projects around the house, jerk off, etc.
(Mothers have busy days, too, but it's different.)
Like Muscadine Wine, I also don't think that you can predict this with certainty. There's a lot of luck involved, and being married with children is such a dramatic change in lifestyle from being high-earning DINKs. The best proxy we have are the general xo guidelines: Look hard at her family; make sure that he has healthy relationships with people; not too materialistic; little social media presence / not keeping up with the Joneses; etc. |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 3:29 PM Author: Dun house i feel like we are leading parallel lives brother (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36153171) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 4:58 PM Author: Rough-skinned stimulating dilemma The most disappointing part of my marriage is my wife's lack of interest in the work of being a mother. She whines that she needs help, doesn't take any pride in being a primary caregiver, etc. It seems to me that she thinks that this kind of labor is below her, the she thinks that women of class shouldn't be getting up in the middle of the night to comfort her kids, that's what nannies are for, etc. I have no interest in that kind of a family and if she can't/ won't fill that role, I'm doing it.
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:19 PM Author: Dun house my wife is interested in it but is not naturally predisposed to it nor a super competent mother (in terms of caring for multiple children, taking care of the household, etc). i've accepted in the short-term that it will suck but hold out hope that life will improve in a few years once the youngest is 3-4. i'm constantly envious of guys whose wives just take care of everything at home without complaint
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:23 PM Author: Rough-skinned stimulating dilemma Some women are capable of running a home and being Momma, some aren't. I am very envious as well of men who married women who can provide that role.
It's not just that it makes the man's life easier (which of course it does). It means your kids have a real mom, instead of having Daddy do so much of this work. As hard as I may try, I'm a man, and I'll never be able to provide the support and love that a woman can give. Also, I hate that my kids see dad doing all of this work while mommy binge watches Bravo and British period shows. Will my girls think that this is the appropriate role for a mother, to be a lay-about nag? |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:27 PM Author: Dun house my mom stayed with my wife for a week while i was away for work and when i got back expressed her amazement at how little my wife did in general (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154155) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:28 PM Author: Rough-skinned stimulating dilemma There is only so much you can do here. The idea that you can bully or manipulate her into doing this kind of work is silly, if she doesn't have a natural desire to be a caretaker, she isn't going to do it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154161) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:30 PM Author: Dun house oh, i've accepted that. just need to fast forward a few years to her being back at work so i can get a cleaner etc without her feeling like i'm judging her (protip: i still am) (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154167) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:31 PM Author: Rough-skinned stimulating dilemma How can you not judge? And did you have any idea that she wasn't up to this task? I had no idea. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154182) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:34 PM Author: Dun house my wife aspires to be a great mom (not necessarily a great homemaker but that's by the by) - it's just that her quick temper and general anxiety make her a fairly ineffective one (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154205) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:39 PM Author: Judgmental Nursing Home Antidepressant Drug I don't think bullying and manipulation are the only tools in the tool chest, though. If you're ten years in, maybe the ship has sailed, but honest communication can work in some cases. Shit, you're a trial lawyer, so make your case. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154228) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:40 PM Author: Rough-skinned stimulating dilemma I'll make sure to object next time she turns Bravo on. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154232) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 3:30 PM Author: Vibrant Slate Twinkling Uncleanness Chapel (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36153180) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 3:33 PM Author: Milky boiling water unironic thots & pryers (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36153199) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 4:08 PM Author: vigorous spot headpube Bad marriage pumo here in support of MW. If I recall correctly his story of intial courtship with his wife was chock full of red flags, though I’m not remembering many specifics. My wife hid her sadism much more skillfully. She sold me that she was focused on being a wife and mother and putting our family first and then succumbed to peer pressure and social media insanity as we got older.
I will coach my boys to seek out girls who cook and clean compulsively and ideally they would also instinctively view discretionary spending as something to either avoid or agree on whenever possible. Girls will say whatever to get you to propose, so don’t put much stock in her saying the right things when you’re dating. Once she decides you’re the best she can do, her cavewoman brain would promise to eat the shit out of your ass in order to close the deal. |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 4:55 PM Author: Rough-skinned stimulating dilemma Yea, if there's one thing that I'm going to do for my girls that will help them live happy lives, it's to find pleasure in keeping a home and cooking. I take pride in working on the house, and when everything looks good, I get satisfaction from that. I hope to pass this industriousness to them. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36153899) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:33 PM Author: Judgmental Nursing Home Antidepressant Drug "You lose more than you gain."
Lost me there, but most of the rest is CR.
As for your situation, how much have you and your wife really talked to each other about the problems in your marriage/relationship? |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:36 PM Author: Rough-skinned stimulating dilemma There is no talking. She deals with all problems by aggressively denying their existence and getting over the top furious for there ever being any suggestion that there are problems. I hate counseling, but I've tried to get her to go, and she will not go. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154213) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:44 PM Author: Judgmental Nursing Home Antidepressant Drug Was it always that way?
If there is one piece of advice I would give to people about relationships it's that being able to work together as a team is the most important thing, and that doesn't happen without communication. It's real easy for resentment to build when you're stewing, and harder if you talk it out with your partner.
I think that's more important that whether a woman likes to cook/clean or whether a man wants to work or watch TV or whatever. If you work well at solving problems *together* that's 90% of the battle. |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:02 PM Author: Idiotic rose station digit ratio It’s not that hard. Have some balls, do not ignore premarriage warning signs and don’t just marry a girl cuz you find her hot. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36153956) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:10 PM Author: Rough-skinned stimulating dilemma Considering the relatively high divorce rate of where you live, and the anecdotal stories of marital misery regularly posted on this site, I'm not sure how you could come to that conclusion. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154030) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:30 PM Author: Idiotic rose station digit ratio Divorce rates are pretty low amongst educated professionals everywhere. If you’re talking about LA, land of Hollywood celebrities and Mexican gangbangers, then yeah, divorce rates are high in certain groups.
Xoxo also attracts a certain type of person, mostly male who are misogynistic and superficial wrt the women. Needless to say, that sort of attitude may not attract the best female candidates for marriage.
At this point, prob 80% of my friend group is married. Maybe half are in so so marriage where there is some element of discontent or settling (or I perceive some discontent based on one or both spouses, even if they’re outwardly happy) but it’s milder stuff that doesn’t spell divorce but more like a mediocre marriage. there isn’t anything extreme like you or thunder collins where there is likely diagnosable anxiety and mental illness and somebody is actually a bad parent.
I don’t know anybody who is a bad parent like yelling at their baby. I don’t think it’s that hard to avoid marrying somebody who is fundamentally a batshit crazy person. |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:32 PM Author: Rough-skinned stimulating dilemma I've always liked you and thought you were a 180 poster. I'm happy for you that you take care of your family. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154190) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 6:30 PM Author: Idiotic rose station digit ratio My husband takes just as much care of the family as I do. As iron monkey notes above, so long as you’re working together as a team and communicating, then things can work. It doesn’t mean everyone is satisfied all the time and gets what they want, but there is at least mutual respect to work together toward a common goal of having a healthy functioning family. I don’t think there is the ability to communicate and work together in your case though.
I know you’re in a tough place but I still advocate divorce. It’s going to be more emotionally damaging for your girls to be around their mom all the time in her state. |
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Date: May 31st, 2018 12:56 AM Author: Aquamarine Nudist Site Nowag Doubtful the mom will change as it's clear she has a gaping need for attention and is likely jealous of her daughters. MW indicates she's hot af so she'll find some other clod to cling to without needing to change. She'll keep the kids btw. MW should stop breeding |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:29 PM Author: soul-stirring pearl area lol it's true ugly women like nutella probably make better wives (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154162) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:30 PM Author: Rough-skinned stimulating dilemma From what I can tell, Nutella is a CR wife. Considering how rare that is, I tip my hat to her. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154169) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:33 PM Author: soul-stirring pearl area i'm telling you that's the difference she's probably happy to get dick on a regular basis whereas for hot women they don't appreciate (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154198) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:34 PM Author: Rough-skinned stimulating dilemma That's a trade off I'd be happy to take. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154203) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:35 PM Author: soul-stirring pearl area yeah for sure i'm all about fit ugly girls for LTR
hot girls are too much work for a depreciating asset |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:48 PM Author: Judgmental Nursing Home Antidepressant Drug Wait, did you forget to post "no homo" or am I misreading this? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154278) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 5:46 PM Author: Judgmental Nursing Home Antidepressant Drug It is hard. A marriage isn't won or lost when you get engaged/married. Even if you've chosen well it still takes a lot of constant work, in addition to all the other things that require work in your life.
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Date: May 30th, 2018 6:37 PM Author: Idiotic rose station digit ratio Yes I agree it takes a lot of work. But I think there are character flaws like selfishness that can be gauged prior to marriage. the whole “all women are selfish” thing is not something I agree with and is a rather jaded view of things. I can easily give many examples from IRL where the female outearns the male who also gives the bulk of the child rearing responsibility to the female. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154540) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 6:31 PM Author: violent cowardly locus what are some premarriage warning signs? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36154514) |
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Date: May 30th, 2018 10:15 PM Author: bateful abode telephone (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3985532&forum_id=2#36155940) |