submitted 10 hours ago by adv_thrw

We've been seeing each other for a little over a year. Friends for about a year before that, we started a casual sexual relationship that eventually led to a romantic one where we currently live together. Her sexual history has come up pretty regularly in our relationship; she has slept with...a lot of people, in her estimation well over a hundred men. I have had sexual interactions (not necessarily sex) with about a dozen women in my adult life.

Prima facie my girlfriend's previous promiscuity doesn't bother me one bit. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. What bothers me is that her past includes practically all her male friends. Most of these male friends don't actually live in our city, since my girlfriend has only lived here for about 2 years. But every time she goes back "home" she hangs out with these people. Even here, she maintains friendly interactions with people that she had sexual relationships with before we started seeing each other. In the past two weeks alone, she invited a former fuck buddy over for drinks (she invited our friends as well, to be fair) and invited someone who happened to be in adjacent state to visit and STAY in our apartment over the weekend (he canceled, I'm assuming when it became clear she was in a relationship).

We discussed how this makes me feel approximately 6 months ago; after she hung out with someone she used to date and discussed possibly renting from him when her then-current lease was set to expire. I stated that this made me very uncomfortable and when I got upset she ended her friendship with the guy completely. To be clear: I never asked her to do that, I just wanted better boundaries.

This whole "keeping former sexual partners in your orbit" issue came up about a month ago. It was a bitter fight, where she called me sex-negative, anti-feminist, controlling etc. We ended up chalking it up to cultural differences (she's from the Bay Area) and making up. But the recent actions (above) are challenging me further.

How can I change the way I'm thinking about this? I accept the want and need to have people in your life you may have slept with. But does it really have to be everyone? What kind of compromise can be made here, so I don't seem like a jealous freak, but also aren't forced into awkward situations just because I'm not trying to shame my girlfriend?

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/8xq4ny/my_27m_girlfriends_29f_sexual_past_includes/

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4022672&forum_id=2#36401840)

Idk, I’m not from the Bay Area but I am from another largeish liberal American city and I think many of my friends have hooked up at one point or another. Also I’m personally friendly with several people that I used to date casually. It didn’t work out for whatever reason and we decided to remain friends... I really don’t see the big deal. If a boyfriend I had was upset by this I would see it as very controlling too.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4022672&forum_id=2#36401875)

I second this. I’m not from the states, but am also from a liberal city and I have quite a few male friends whom I remain in close contact with that I have a sexual history with. All of these friends I had conversations with when I started dating my BF to let them know that this wasn’t an option anymore. If you trust her then this shouldn’t really be an issue at all. These men can have whatever expectations they like. It is your trust in your relationship that needs to be addressed. If you feel the need for more clarity perhaps approach it like this: hey, we are still getting to know each other and I would like to know how you are able to separate your friendships, sexual experiences and romantic feelings.” Let her answer you without saying anything. Maybe her answer will help.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4022672&forum_id=2#36401881)

Counterpoint: I live in the Bay Area and I think it's shitty that you think someone needs an "excuse" for their lifestyle. Lots of people here do live their lives like that, and it's totally fine.

There's nothing wrong with sleeping with lots of people and there's nothing wrong with keeping them on as friends afterwards. The only problem is whether this lifestyle is compatible with his or not.

OP has a right to his feelings, but let's be clear, here: She's not doing anything inherently wrong and she doesn't need an excuse.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4022672&forum_id=2#36401886)

But his needs in regards to what? The things he’s uncomfortable with have all already happened. She’s not sleeping with all her friends anymore—she’s not living that lifestyle anymore. She can’t take back sleeping with a hundred people, nor should she have to, and OP already said that’s not the problem here.

She seems to be fine with establishing boundaries. Nowhere does he say that she won’t have a conversation with him. OP is asking for help reframing his view of the situation, compromising, and finding a middle ground for himself, not her.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4022672&forum_id=2#36401889)

How is this not johnsmeyer

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4022672&forum_id=2#36402183)

i want to vomit reading the goings-on of american young people

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4022672&forum_id=2#36402319)

I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it. I accept that everyone has a past, and the number of people really shouldn't matter as long as she was safe about it.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4022672&forum_id=2#36402374)

if u have 1 or 2 friends that become good friends with ur current partner then its fine, but LOL at american women being friends with all their fuck buddies who are not friends with their current bf.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4022672&forum_id=2#36402586)