The matter remains unresolved, which is disappointing but not entirely surprising.

Opposing Counsel has likely spent their weekend polishing motions and savoring their unearned smugness. Meanwhile, I’ve fielded three client emails this morning inquiring why our “final version” feels like a high school debate brief submitted by candlelight.

Let me be clear: no further missteps. You will redraft, reformat, and reinvigorate this brief until it gleams like the false promises we made during OCI.

Pull in relevant implications from prior cases (do not ask me which ones), fix the tone (somewhere between “brilliant” and “bulletproof”), and address Opposing Counsel’s concerns without conceding anything of value.

While you wrestle with these disappointing failures on your part, I’ve been perfecting my backhand on the squash court—yet still fielding calls from the client that you should be handling. Balance, friend, is key.

Here’s the roadmap:

1. First draft to me by midnight tonight (no excuses).

2. Revised draft reviewed and client-ready by 6:00 AM tomorrow (we’ll workshop it while litigation support wipes their Cancun sunscreen off the keyboard).

3. Final filing by 9:00 AM sharp.

Think of this as a “development opportunity” that’ll either make you partner material or a prime candidate for our next wellness seminar on Managing Existential Dread in Billable Increments.

The Mahchine™ cares not for your sacrifices, only for the billable hours they generate. Should you falter, another cog will take your place.

P.S. Let’s align on a call this evening to fully debrief. I’ll be at my cycling class, so I expect you to be flexible.

You’ve got this, champ.

I have no doubt you will be Service Partner-Elect at the conclusion of 2025's review cycle, particularly when I note that (if and when!) you rose to the occasion to our esteemed senior colleague, Wesley Johnson.

(Sent from my iPhone)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5638937&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310734#48371550)

The firm-wide email: "Happy Thanksgiving!" A proclamation so hollow you can hear the echo of despair reverberating through the firm server.

11:49 AM

The partner’s voicemail lands like an airstrike:

"Hi Associate X, Happy Thanksgiving Eve. See attached material. I think we need to respond substantively by Monday, not just issue a notice of representation and request an extension. Please draft; I can review it this Friday morning. Thank."

Translation:

Your "holiday" has been canceled.

Opposing Counsel, a figure of petty spite forged in the fires of privilege log disputes, will oppose any extension.

Final boss-level insanity: The partner’s "review" of your draft will drop in the middle of Black Friday chaos.

11:57 AM

Desperation sets in. You ping your assistant:

"Hey, the partner mentioned forwarding materials before noon—never received them. Any chance you can send? Thanks, and hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Thank."

12:03 PM

The office goes dark. Assistants, paralegals, and anyone else with "holiday hours" have ghosted, leaving you alone with the abyss of formatting errors and garbled partner notes.

Thanksgiving Morning: The Horror Unfolds

You sit down with coffee and the "materials," only to find:

- Partner comments that look like a CAPTCHA: "???" "pls confirm this." "WHAT?"

- A flagged email from Opposing Counsel calling the prior draft "borderline sanctionable."

- A cryptic handwritten note from the partner: "Check this with the client." (No client contact details provided.)

Sunday Night: The Final Countdown

By now, you’ve spent 17 hours coaxing coherence out of chaos, fueled by rage and off-brand antacids.

At 11:59 PM, your email subject reads: "Draft brief attached."

You include the requisite grovel: "Let me know if you have thoughts, edits, or comments!"

Monday Morning

The partner responds:

"Looks good overall, but reads like a rush job at parts. See redline. Also, note the client is getting anxious. Let’s run it by litigation support for formatting."

The Punchline:

Litigation support’s "holiday hours" ended Friday at noon.

And because Biglaw isn’t just about misery but ironic misery, the entire support team has taken PTO on Monday.

Monday Afternoon

The client calls. Their first words?

"Why does this filing look like it was prepared by a sleep-deprived raccoon?"

You tell yourself: This is fine.

But deep down, you know: You are the raccoon.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5638937&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310734#48388529)

You know what I need, friend?

A substantive draft by Monday.

Opposing Counsel isn’t sipping bourbon tonight—they’re sharpening knives.

And I won’t let their petty 20-year privilege-log vendetta put my rainmaker status at risk.

You're up for partner next year, and this is your chance to truly shine.

The real drink? It’s the gallon of cold brew fueling me as I review incoherent drafts riddled with “???” and “verify w/client.” Every sip reminds me why I took the long road to Equity: so I could ensure my associates spend their Thanksgiving growing as lawyers.

Now, get back to work. And don’t forget to run it by litigation support—assuming they’re still alive and well in Cancun.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5638937&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310734#48388579)

Signing off - Happy Thanksgiving Eve!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5638937&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310734#48388611)

Get this done, and Wesley learns of it - you're a shoo-in for our next-best Service Partner-Elect.

Thanks for your prompt attention. I know you got this.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5638937&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310734#48389051)

Keep it up, champ.

And Happy Holidays.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5638937&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310734#48389478)

Could you provide a quick status update? I'll review tomorrow (this) morning - free between 7:30 AM EST to 8:15 EST AM, tied up rest of the day.

Thanks.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5638937&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310734#48392040)

We need to talk about your commitment to this firm and client service in general. I have my kiteboarding lesson and then a late lunch with my family, so please be on standby at your phone between 3-6:00pm EST today so I can call you to discuss.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5638937&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310734#48392265)

I respect your (and the Firm's) dedication to client service—truly, I do—but this feels like a breaking point. I’ve sacrificed my holiday, my sanity, and my soul to get this done, and yet I’m still met with emails asking if I’ve “confirmed with the client” while the deadline looms like a guillotine.

“Please be on standby between 3-6pm” is just corporate code for “I’ll call at 5:59 pm and expect the impossible.” I get it—this is the job. But watching my efforts be reduced to a few redlines and a vague “looks rushed in parts” while the partner carves waves? It’s exhausting.

I know this filing matters. I know the client matters. But does it have to come at the cost of my holiday, my sleep, and the last shred of goodwill I have for this firm? I’ll finish the memo. I always do. But next time, I’d appreciate a little more support—and maybe one less “pls confirm w/client.”

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5638937&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310734#48394451)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5638937&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310734#48395775)

The matter remains unresolved, which is disappointing but not entirely surprising.

Opposing Counsel has likely spent their weekend polishing motions and savoring their unearned smugness.

Meanwhile, *I’ve* fielded three client emails this morning inquiring why our “final version” feels like a high school debate brief submitted by candlelight.

Let me be clear: no single missteps after this. You will redraft, reformat, and reinvigorate this brief until it gleams like the false promises we made during OCI.

Pull in relevant implications from prior cases (do not ask me which ones), fix the tone (somewhere between “brilliant” and “bulletproof”), and address Opposing Counsel’s concerns without conceding anything of value.

While you wrestle with these disappointing failures on your part, I’ve been perfecting my backhand on the squash court - yet, having to field calls from the client that you should be handling. Balance, friend, is key.

Here’s the roadmap:

1. First draft to me by midnight tonight (no excuses).

2. Revised draft reviewed and client-ready by 6:00 AM tomorrow (we’ll workshop it while litigation support wipes their Cancun sunscreen off the keyboard).

3. Final filing by 9:00 AM sharp.

Think of this as a “development opportunity” that’ll either make you partner material or a prime candidate for our next wellness seminar on Managing Existential Dread in Billable Increments.

The Mahchine™ cares not for your sacrifices, only for the billable hours they generate. Should you falter, another cog will take your place.

P.S. Let’s align on a call this evening to fully to debrief. I’ll be at my cycling class, so I expect you to be flexible.

You’ve got this, champ.

I have no doubt you will be Service Partner-Elect at the conclusion of 2025's review cycle, particularly when I note that (if and when)!you rose to the occasion to our esteemed senior colleague, Wesley Johnson.

(Sent from my iPhone).

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5638937&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310734#48399034)

We’ve got:

Partners balancing squash games with client meltdowns.

Opposing Counsel drafting motions like they’re the LeBron of privilege logs.

Associates riding the line between “development opportunity” and “breakdown material.”

“Jfc” doesn’t even begin to cover it. We’re not just burning the midnight oil here—we’re fracking the earth beneath us for one last drop of productivity.

So, lean in. Let the despair wash over you. Maybe pour a drink. But if you’re going to summarize this chaos, let’s at least elevate the commentary. May I suggest:

“This thread is the legal profession’s obituary.”

“The real brief is the friends we alienated along the way.”

“Why bother with client service when I could just move to Idaho?”

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5638937&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310734#48400708)

Associate X,

Once again, I manage our client’s expectations and the fallout from your inability to deliver. The Henderson filing was due at 8:30 AM. As of this writing, I’ve fielded multiple emails from the client asking if our team has entered a “brief coma.”

Do you know what “final version” means? Because this draft has all the structural integrity of a wet napkin. The formatting is amateurish (double-check the line spacing), your citations are a maze of indecision (pick a style and stick to it), and I had to wade through three sentences before hitting a verb.

Here’s the plan, and I use “plan” loosely:

Reformat immediately. This isn’t a middle-school term paper, so lose the bullet points and “fun facts.”

Clarify client impacts. The client doesn’t pay us for ambiguity. Rewrite the sections on damages and exposure with precision and confidence.

Deliver no later than 11:59 PM. And no, this is not flexible. If I wake up tomorrow without a polished draft in my inbox, you’ll wish Opposing Counsel was your biggest problem.

Lastly, I recommend taking a long, hard look at whether this level of output aligns with your career goals. The Partner Review Committee is not impressed by “almost there” efforts.

The Mahchine™ runs on results, not excuses. Make sure this doesn’t happen again.

P.S. I’ll be unreachable from 7:30–9:00 PM as I’ll be debriefing Wesley Johnson at the squash courts. He has high hopes for you; don’t make him regret them.

Thankxk (Sent from my iPhone)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5638937&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310734#48435421)