Date: June 24th, 2023 8:51 AM
Author: slimy skinny woman
The setting is a dingy, poorly-lit office, where four salesmen are gathered around a table, with Blake (played by Alec Baldwin) standing in front of them. Instead of real estate, the salesmen are now trying to sell Gamecubes, the popular gaming console from the early 2000s.
Blake: (slams a Gamecube onto the table) You see this Gamecube? You think this is a toy? This is a tool. A tool that can make you rich. But only if you know how to use it.
Shelley Levene (played by Jack Lemmon): I don't understand, Blake. How can we make money selling Gamecubes?
Blake: It's simple, Shelley. You sell the Gamecube to the customer, and then you upsell them on the games. And the controllers. And the memory cards. And the cables. And the strategy guides. And the accessories. And the merch. And the list goes on.
Dave Moss (played by Ed Harris): But Blake, nobody wants to buy a Gamecube these days. They're outdated.
Blake: Outdated? They're classic. They're retro. They're nostalgic. They're a piece of gaming history. And that's what people want. That's what they crave. And if you can tap into that craving, you can sell them anything.
George Aaronow (played by Alan Arkin): But Blake, what if we can't sell anything? What if we're not good enough?
Blake: (leans in close to George) You listen to me, you pusillanimous little worm. You want to know what it takes to sell Gamecubes? It takes brass balls. Big, shiny, metallic balls. And you either have them, or you don't. And if you don't, you're going to be sitting here playing Super Mario Sunshine on your own Gamecube while the rest of us are out there making money.
John Williamson (played by Kevin Spacey): Blake, what's the point of all this? Why are you here?
Blake: I'm here because I'm on a mission. A mission to turn you sorry bunch of Gamecube salesmen into champions. Into closers. Into men who know how to sell. And if you don't believe me, just watch me. (pulls out a Gamecube and a stack of games from his bag) Who wants to buy a Gamecube? (pauses) Put that coffee down! Coffee's for closers only. You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Nintendo. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Levene? You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch?
Shelley Levene: I don't have to listen to this crap.
Blake: You certainly don't, pal. 'Cause the good news is - you're fired. The bad news is - you've got, all of you've got just one week to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonight's sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this month's sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anyone want to see second prize? (holds up a Gamecube controller) Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired. You get the picture? You're laughing now? You got Gamecubes. Howard and Nester paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can't close the leads you're given, you can't close shit. You ARE shit. Hit the bricks, pal, and beat it 'cause you are going OUT.
Shelley Levene: The Gamecubes are crap, Blake. I can't sell this garbage.
Blake: You're garbage! (slams the Gamecube onto the table). I've been in this business fifteen years.
Moss: What's your name?
Blake: FUCK YOU, that's my name!! You know why, Mister? 'Cause you play a 32X, and I play an $800 3DO. That's my name!! And your name is 'you're wanting.' And you can't play in a man's game. You can't close them, (whispering) Then go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to sign on the line which is dotted! You hear me, you fucking faggots? (He displayed blackboard with words)
A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Console. Always be Console. Always be Console. A-I-D-S. Animal Crossing, Ikaruga, Dinosaur Planet, Smash Bros. Animal Crossing: Do I have your attention? Ikarua: Are you interested? I know you are, because it's fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks. Dinosaur Planet: Have you made your decision for Star Fox? And Smash Bros. (pauses) A-I-D-S. Get out there. You got the prospects comin' in. You think they came in to get out of the rain? A guy don't walk on the lot lest he wants to buy. They're sitting out there waiting to give you their money. Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? (To Moss) What's the problem, pal? You, Moss!
(Moss: "You're such a hero, you're so rich. How come you're comin' down here and waste your time with such a bunch of bums.") (Removing his Game and Watch). You see this watch? You see this Game and Watch?...That Game and Watch cost more than your car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see, pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you -- go home and play Genesis with your kids!! You wanna work here? Close!! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this -- how can you take the abuse you get on a Console Sit?! You don't like it -- leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, make myself fifteen thousand dollars! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-I-D-S!! Get mad, you son of a bitches! Get mad!!
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5342397&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310752#46466679)