FMLA buttressed with ADA protections is his personal get-out-of-jail-free card, and now he’s layered Quiet Quitting on top like it’s the cherry on his legally protected sundae.

Every morning, he clocks in, plops down at customer service, and immediately opens Candy Crush. Any attempt to nudge him toward actual work is met with the same smug routine: “Legally, I’m protected under FMLA and ADA, friend. Push me harder, and I’ll sue your gay-faggot-ass for retaliation.”

I’m not a lawyer, so I back off. ADA? FMLA? What are those? I don't know, but I don't want to get sued :(.

Today was peak Jerry. The returns line snaked through the store, a festival of rage featuring Karens and coupon clippers waving their receipts like battle flags. Meanwhile, Jerry leaned back, tossing Skittles into his mouth, occasionally muttering: “Y’all need to chill. Not my problem, friends.”

When I begged him to help, he sighed dramatically: “Evan, I’m already doing the bare minimum. Legally, that’s enough.”

Cue my usual trip to HR. Tabitha, perched like Jabba the Hutt behind her fortress of fast-food wrappers, gave me her signature death glare. “Evan, quiet quitting isn’t a crime. It’s work-life balance. Maybe you should stop being such a little bitch and try it sometime.” She then returned to her true passion: using company time to catch up on General Hospital.

Meanwhile, Keisha shouted from the bakery section, where she’d stationed herself with a plate of “expired” cupcakes: “Don’t let him work you too hard, Evan! Quiet quitting is self-care, friend!” She punctuated this by raising her fork in solidarity, crumbs flying everywhere.

By the end of my shift, I was drenched in sweat from covering Jerry’s station, my head pounding as I explained to Karen #93 why “No, ma’am, we don’t accept returns for items bought in 2017.” Jerry, of course, strolled out five minutes early, tossing a lazy wave over his shoulder: “Don’t work too hard, Evan. Legally, you’re covered if you die on the clock.”

Leaning against the mop bucket, I whispered: “Yes, friend. This is fine.”

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5630914&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310864",#48315121)