http://www.ilovephilosophy.com/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=166449

Can someone please critique my excerpt?

Creative Forums | Creative Writing

1.2k views

---------------------o------------------------

post by whokebe on Dec 10, 2008

whokebe

Dec 2008

Hello. Below is an excerpt I’ve written for a larger work. I’m looking for some honest feedback about it. Can anyone offer any?

it was the same feeling as when he was a younger boy, during recess with the other schoolchildren, when he had boldly proclaimed his superiority, and when warned by the sixth grade physics olympiad title holder (who being a full year older imparted a world of wisdom) that he had consumed too much ice cream and cake, lost to one his lesser-known competitors, a wobbly legged, bespectacled sporophyte, and became the laughingstock of his friends and enemies, due solely to an ignorance of his bodily humors.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4277426&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310910#38347564)

http://www.xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=707335&forum_id=2#8815649

http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1444726&forum_id=2

http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1582700&forum_id=2#17456061

http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1435809&forum_id=2#16157379

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4277426&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310910#38347573)

There is more to eat than ice cream and cake. Some people go on dates and have corn dogs and fried dough. Sometimes there is a pie eating contest with delicious apple pies where contestant don't use their hands.

TBF running honiara schtick 1.0

great find

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4277426&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310910#38352001)

Remember that whok was a 22-year-old dude who knew nothing about writing back then (not that he knows anything about writing now) but that's literally his "excerpt."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4277426&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310910#38357755)

I hope you know the guy/loser who stole the excerpt was a jealous and failed writer himself who posted it on his own message board and used sock puppets to criticise it.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4277426&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310910#38357773)

1. You're the IRL whok

2. That's the IRL excerpt written by you/him

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4277426&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310910#38357806)

Excerpt (definition): A passage or quotation taken or selected from a book, document, film, or the like; extract.

Excerpts are supposed to be longer than that measly piece of trash. I would expect a FULL page to get an idea of what the larger work that is being showcased will cover.

What you wrote is literally a run-on sentence chunked together into a full paragraph. It almost looks as if you're asking "Hey, can someone tell me if I can write in the English language properly? I just took English 101."

Srsly, I hadn't read the excerpt when I first read what damn daddy wrote about it, but he's spot on:

"He spent a lot of time bragging about some stupid as fuck novel he was writing. the samples he showed to the bort indicated that whok may have suffered from blunt-force trauma to the skull at some point when his brain was still developing." (Ref: http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2840029&forum_id=2#27570333)

Sorry, whok. This doesn't mean you can't improve, though. Why not take a creative writing course and an English 101?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4277426&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310910#38357878)

Ask away if you have actual questions. No clue wtf you want to hear.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4277426&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310910#38357962)

Even if that were the case, we'd have to then be blown away by the content. You only provided a tiny excerpt where content and grammar are shit.

Provide a full page and then we can talk.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4277426&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310910#38361540)

Date: December 11th, 2008 5:24 AM

Author: Dashing menage liquid oxygen

wait wtf, whokebe actually wrote that? christ, this might actually be worse than finding out he's a 15 year old with ADHD.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=897971&forum_id=2#10505333)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4277426&forum_id=2\u0026mark_id=5310910#50149054)