Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a white woman, married to a mixed-race Dominican man. He’s usually a wonderful dad, but right now we’re in a fight about our son’s hair. When I was pregnant with our first child, a daughter, our friends and his female relatives generously taught me about hair care and styling. She takes after her paternal grandmother with tight, coily curls, and I think I’ve done an OK job because she’s always been confident and happy with her hair. My husband was always chill about it, and she could try whatever she wanted as long as it was in budget.

He’s not chill about our son’s hair. Our son is a little younger, at 16. His hair is very similar to his sister’s. And he wants to try the haircuts and styles that his friends and classmates have. My husband absolutely forbids it, which is very not like him. He thinks there are only a small handful of correct styles for our son.

When I asked him why, he said it’s cultural, and our son needs to look like a man, which is also so out of character. He doesn’t just forbid white hairstyles, which realistically might not work for our son. He also vetoes our son’s desire for most of the cuts and styles that other mixed-race and Black kids at school, who are not Dominican, have. Having a dumb haircut and experimenting is a teen rite of passage, and I want our son to have it if he wants! He’s just a kid, and this is a normal time for him to explore. On the other hand, my husband is right that the nuances of race and culture are lost on me here, and I don’t know what to do.

—He’s Just a Kid

Dear He’s Just a Kid,

Sixteen is a fair age to let your son choose his own haircuts. If there’s a style he wants to try, he generally should be able to try it—or you’ll risk him resenting you both. You didn’t mention any specific styles, but I’m wondering if this has to do with your husband thinking the styles your son wants are too feminine, since he seems to have no issue with your daughter experimenting.

A lot of the popular styles for teen guys today might lean on longer hair or a mix of braids and cuts, long curls, or maybe even dyeing their hair a little—styles that the Black and mixed men of my generation didn’t really try. Sometimes, in our society, people unfairly equate cultural tradition with what is appropriate for young men to do, wear, or act. I’m making an assumption here, of course, but it sounds like it might be the case with your husband.

You have the right to advocate for your son to make his own decisions about his appearance. He’s at an age where it’s important that he gets these kinds of freedoms and is allowed to try new things. I would lean into that argument when speaking to your husband. Because I think he might be confusing his own idea of what “a man” looks like with an antiquated way of thinking that’s not fair to your son.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5851616&forum_id=2\u0026show=week#49781028)

Is it bowlcut time?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5851616&forum_id=2\u0026show=week#49781093)