I am training for Kunanyi.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5828603&forum_id=2\u0026show=week#49632383)

COON.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5828603&forum_id=2\u0026show=week#49634704)

Worst I have spotted was a wolf spider. Tons of monster Huntsmans but they're just hideous looking.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5828603&forum_id=2\u0026show=week#49634969)

I went back to the woods by myself Sunday afternoon. I walked along and I came to realize that it's always in the darkest corners that God's grace shines the brightest.

I also had some flashback-type experiences. Gemini told me that I should seek medical attention and described my symptoms as severe emotional dysregulation that could be secondary to cptsd. In other words, I'm a nutjob.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5828603&forum_id=2\u0026show=week#49642395)

I hear you, and I can hear the absolute exhaustion in your voice. You are carrying an impossible weight—rebuilding a home while being fought by your insurer, managing a fractured company and an unruly team, and parenting four young children, all while battling a physical body and a mind that are reaching their breaking point.

What you are describing—uncontrollable sobbing, "white-hot" rage, and heart rate warnings—is not weakness. It is a physiological crisis. Your nervous system is in a state of chronic "fight or flight," and your body is sounding every alarm it has to tell you that the current pace is not just unsustainable; it is dangerous.

Here is a breakdown of what is happening and immediate, tactical steps to begin offloading this burden.

1. Immediate Medical & Mental Health Intervention

You mentioned your history of depression and your current physical symptoms. You are likely experiencing severe burnout or a nervous breakdown.

See a doctor immediately: Your heart rate warnings and gout flares are physical manifestations of extreme cortisol. A doctor can help stabilize your heart rate and address the gout, which is exacerbated by the stress you’re under.

Crisis Support: If the "black night" feels like it's closing in, please call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you need disaster-specific emotional support, the SAMHSA Disaster Distress Helpline at 1-800-985-5990 is specifically for people whose lives have been upended by events like tornadoes.

Stop using alcohol for sleep: Alcohol disrupts REM sleep and significantly worsens gout. It is likely fueling the 4 AM wake-ups and the "white-hot" rage the next day.

2. Offloading the Insurance Nightmare

The "bad faith" you’re experiencing from your insurance company is a legal matter that shouldn't be solely on your shoulders.

Bad Faith Legal Action: In many states, if an insurer wrongfully denies a clear claim, you can sue for "bad faith". Some attorneys work on a contingency basis (no out-of-pocket) and can seek "treble damages" (three times the actual damage) plus attorney fees.

Public Adjusters: If you haven't already, consider a public adjuster who can fight the carrier on your behalf for a percentage of the settlement, potentially saving you from more out-of-pocket engineering costs.

State Insurance Department: File a formal complaint with your State Department of Insurance.

3. Triage at Work

You are in a "toxic sandwich" between warring owners and insubordinate staff.

Document Everything: Every time a report challenges you or refuses a task, document it immediately. This protects you if they try to "run and make accusations".

Boundary Reset: If "managing out" employees is destroying you, inform the owners (or one you trust) that the current process is creating a hostile environment that threatens the company's productivity.

Quiet Quitting is not your fault: You cannot "fix" employees who are determined to fail. Focus solely on the core tasks required to keep your job, and let the rest go for now. Your health is worth more than a company owned by people who are already at each other's throats.

4. Reframing the "Inner Monologue"

Telling yourself to "shut up and work harder" is like whipping a horse that has already collapsed.

Acceptance: You are not failing your family; you are surviving a catastrophe. Your children don't need a "perfect" father; they need a father who is alive and present.

The "Weight of Obligation": This weight is what's keeping you moving, but it’s also what’s crushing you. Let your wife in—not just to see the crying, but to help strategize. You are a team, and you don't have to be the sole bearer of this "black night."

Would you like me to find a specific bad faith insurance attorney or a mental health specialist who takes your insurance in your area?

It is not just "worsened" by your childhood; your childhood created the very blueprint your brain uses to process stress. You are not "nothing," and you have not failed. You are currently re-traumatized.

The "white-hot" rage, the paralyzing numbness, the "black night," and even the gout are symptoms of a nervous system that was wired in a war zone. Here is why your past is crashing into your present:

1. The "Structural Collapse" of Your Safety

For a child who grew up in a house where blood was on the floor and a stepfather made them feel "unwanted and worthless," stability is survival.

The Tornado: To your "inner child," the tornado wasn't just a weather event; it was a literal manifestation of the world being unsafe. When the insurance company refuses to pay, it triggers the same feeling of being cheated and unprotected that you felt with your mother’s husband [1].

The Work Chaos: Being "tested" by insubordinate employees mimics the torment you faced from your brother. Your brain doesn't see a "lazy employee"; it sees an abuser it cannot escape [2].

2. Complex PTSD and Hypervigilance

The fact that you are "constantly getting high heart rate warnings" suggests you are in a state of Hypervigilance.

In your childhood, you had to be "on" 24/7 to survive. Now, your brain thinks that if you stop "working harder," something violent will happen.

The Flashbacks: Seeing your brother attack your mother is a core trauma. When you are overwhelmed now, your brain "downshifts" into that 10-year-old boy under the table because it doesn't have the tools to handle the current stress without feeling like it's a life-or-death emergency [3].

3. The "Work Harder" Trap

You used school and work as an escape hatch to get away from your family. This is a common survival mechanism called "Flight" (in the Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn response).

You are currently trying to outrun your trauma by working more, but the "black abyss" is catching up because you are physically and emotionally depleted.

Breaking the Cycle: You have broken the cycle. You haven't beaten your children. You haven't abandoned them. You are providing for them despite a catastrophic event. The "abyss" you feel isn't something you dragged them into; it's a shadow you are standing in while trying to keep them in the light.

4. Physiological Impact: Gout and the Body

Stress isn't just "in your head." Chronic trauma (ACEs - Adverse Childhood Experiences) is scientifically linked to higher rates of inflammatory diseases [4]. Your gout flares are your body's way of screaming that it can no longer process the toxic levels of cortisol and uric acid produced by this constant state of terror.

What to do right now:

Acknowledge the Trauma: You are not "weak." You are a person with an injury (C-PTSD) who is being asked to run a marathon on a broken leg.

Trauma-Informed Therapy: Traditional talk therapy might not be enough. Look for EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or Somatic Experiencing. These are designed to "unstick" those memories of the ambulance and the high-heeled shoe so they stop flooding your present life [5].

Emergency Self-Compassion: When you feel that "white-hot" rage, it is the 10-year-old in you trying to protect himself. You don't need to "shut the hell up"; you need to tell that younger version of yourself, "We are safe now. I am the adult, and I will handle this."

Do you have a primary care doctor or a therapist you’ve worked with in the past who understands your history with depression and this specific childhood trauma?

[1] Understanding the Impact of Trauma - SAMHSA

[2] Complex PTSD Symptoms and Treatment - U.S. Dept of Veterans Affairs

[3] How Childhood Trauma Affects the Brain - Harvard Health

[4] The ACE Study: Adverse Childhood Experiences - CDC

[5] What is EMDR Therapy? - EMDR Institute

This is for informational purposes only. For medical advice or diagnosis, consult a professional. AI responses may include mistakes. Learn more

It is not strange at all. In fact, it’s a profound and psychologically accurate connection. While Faulkner uses Joe Christmas's racial ambiguity as the central plot device, the character’s true tragedy—and the reason he resonates with you—is the universal experience of the "Other" and the "unwanted child".

Joe Christmas is a literary archetype for exactly what you have survived. Here is why your identification with him is so meaningful:

The Struggle for Identity: Just as Christmas "didn't know what he was", trauma survivors often feel they have no core identity because their early self was shattered by abuse. You feel like "nothing" because you were taught you were "nothing" by your stepfather, much like Christmas was told he was inherently "evil" and "lazy" by his foster father, McEachern.

The "Unrelenting World": Christmas is a man who "wanders in a futile search for a place where he can belong". Like him, you feel "stuck" and "ground down." His life is a series of "savage and lonely streets", a perfect metaphor for the "black abyss" you described.

The Trap of Fatalism: Faulkner’s work often explores the "powerful grip of the past". You mentioned that "hard work has only failed you"—this echoes the fatalism in Light in August, where characters feel trapped in cycles of trauma and "familiar suffering".

Hypervigilance and Numbness: Christmas alternates between "white-hot" violence and a "passive disposition" or "paralyzed" numbness. This mirrors your experience of "white-hot mad" shouting followed by uncontrollable sobbing and social withdrawal.

The Key Difference:

In the novel, Joe Christmas's story is a tragedy because he is never able to break free from his "essential isolation" and ultimately accepts a violent death as his only escape. You are not Joe Christmas. You have four children and a wife who caught you crying because she cares. Unlike Joe, who "rejected... the comfort he seeks", you have the opportunity to let your family in.

What is the one thing—no matter how small—that makes you feel even a flicker of "light" or safety during these 4 AM wake-ups?

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That right there—that walk along the Creek—is your counter-evidence. It is the proof that you are not "nothing" and that you haven't dragged your family into an abyss.

When your son held your hand, he wasn’t holding the hand of a failure or a "Joe Christmas" figure; he was holding the hand of a father who provides the very thing you were denied: safety, presence, and a connection to something eternal.

The woods and that stream are providing you with what psychologists call "grounding." In those moments, your heart rate isn't spiking because the creek doesn't care about insurance adjusters or insubordinate employees. It just flows. You are tapping into a "peace that surpasses understanding," and by bringing your son there, you are actively breaking the cycle of trauma. You are teaching him that when the world is loud and "white-hot," there is a sanctuary in the stillness.

To protect that "light" you found on Saturday, we need to lower the "static" in your daily life so it doesn't drown out the peace of the creek:

Schedule "Creek Time": Since you mentioned exercise takes you away from work and family, make the woods your exercise. It serves two purposes: physical health for your gout and heart rate, and spiritual recalibration.

The "Hand-Hold" Anchor: When you are at work and someone is "testing" you, or when you're looking at the tornado damage, visualize that moment your son reached for your hand. That is your reality; the rest is just noise you have to manage.

Acknowledge the Spiritual Win: You felt reconnected to God. In the "black night," that connection often feels broken, but you found it in the "old growth" and the "water that carries on." That is a sign that you are being sustained, even when you feel you’ve run out of strength.

Since you found such peace there, would you be open to looking into "Forest Bathing" (Shinrin-yoku) techniques or finding a local Trauma-Informed Support Group that meets in outdoor spaces?

Yes, you are likely thinking of Friedrich Nietzsche’s famous 1889 collapse in Turin.

The legend—which remains a haunting symbol for biographers and philosophers—states that Nietzsche witnessed a carriage driver brutally whipping an exhausted horse that refused to move. Overcome by a sudden, overwhelming surge of empathy that supposedly shattered his mind, Nietzsche reportedly threw his arms around the horse's neck to protect it, sobbed, and then collapsed. He never regained his sanity and spent the final decade of his life in a prolonged state of mental deterioration and silence.

This moment is often interpreted as:

The Weight of Compassion: A man who championed the "will to power" and strength was ultimately "undone" by his own capacity for pity and tenderness toward a suffering creature.

A Breaking Point: For you, the image of "whipping a horse that has already collapsed" is a visceral metaphor for your own life. You feel like the horse—exhausted, having given everything—yet the world (insurance, work, trauma) keeps lashing out.

Unlike Nietzsche, your "collapse" into tears is not the end of your sanity—it is your body finally trying to release a lifetime of stored-up "whip cracks." You have a way out that he didn't: you have that creek, and you have that little boy whose hand is still in yours.

Would you be interested in exploring Somatic Experiencing or other trauma-informed body therapies that focus on calming the physical "shaking" and high heart rate you've been experiencing?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5828603&forum_id=2\u0026show=week#49642428)