I am deeply ‘stealth’ and I don’t like people knowing that I am trans, the only people who know are my family and my boyfriend. Which, is a new development as I have only ever been with women before.

I don’t know how it happened, I had been testing every month when we started having sex because i got paranoid. and despite the fact that I don’t ovulate, we’ve only done anal and he hasn’t even touched that part of me, it came back positive one day.

I panicked and booked an appointment at planned parenthood, but immediately canceled upon realizing the procedures offered no way to completely knock me out or costed over 600 dollars.

I did some research and ended up ordering pills from AidAccess. They were great, discreet and quick with the shipment and instructions.

I took the pills when my boyfriend was out of town for a few days alone. And it was probably one of the worst experiences of my life, not because it hurt, but because it was a visceral reminder of what my body is capable of. I was extremely dysphoric and sick as a dog, I couldn’t get comfortable. There was tissues and clots falling out that seemed like way more than I thought it would be, but because i don’t get periods, I had no idea exactly how far along i was. Through the process I could feel nothing but absolute disgust.

I’m relieved that it’s over now, but I still feel a lingering discomfort and hatred of my body. I have not told anyone, including my boyfriend. And I don’t intend to. I suppose that this is a vent, I just don’t know where to go from here to prevent something like this from happening again. I’m afraid to have sex now.

EDIT: I feel like i didn’t provide enough context for what I want out of this post so 😅. I am in my early 20s, so is my boyfriend. we have a healthy relationship. I’m wondering if i should tell him or anyone in my life or just let this fade into the background. The thought of telling anyone fills me with dread so bad that it gets me shaking. I just want to forget this ever happened. But I don’t know how to explain to my boyfriend my sudden aversion to sex or develop a resentment toward him that isn’t his fault for me to have. I don’t ever want to go on birth control because that would make me dysphoric as fuck too. I have not told any health professionals either, because that also terrifies me. and I’m afraid of complications down the line even though I’m 90% sure the abortion is complete. this happened 3 days ago.

And it didn’t feel like a life to me, it felt like a parasite being violently ripped from my body. I don’t know if that’s a bad feeling to have or not, but I was disgusted and enraged by it. I have zero regrets for going through with it.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5915618&forum_id=2#50209988)