Date: October 1st, 2024 7:58 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
Dear Team,
I want to extend my sincere thanks to all of you for your continued efforts on this project for our high-profile client. Your hard work and dedication have been instrumental in keeping things on track.
I am taking note of those who have made particularly significant contributions, and I will ensure that the Managing Partner is informed.
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:36 PM Author: domesticated business firm
just touched base with jason. they're in the middle of the entrees but he said they can skip dessert. he'll head in as soon as he puts his wife in a cab home.
should he head directly to your office when he gets in or should i bring him up to speed first?
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:44 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
Apologies for another e-mail but Partner Y just reached out to me.
Client Z has gotten into some very serious trouble. Discrete criminal issue.
Are you able to take on another matter or will the document review take up your entire night? I think the research could wait until early tomorrow afternoon, if necessary. Should only take an hour or two.
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:51 PM Author: domesticated business firm
Partner Q just reached out to me and told me that he would still like me to join the call with client Q at 9:30 am tomorrow (which could go until noon or so), which could pose a conflict
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:54 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
I don't see a conflict. The assignment is not due until early tomorrow afternoon and should only take an hour or so. Late afternoon might even be OK if you have some bumps in the research. CCing Partner Y so he know you've got a full plate.
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:56 PM Author: domesticated business firm
there's a chance that client Q may want some immediate follow-up done on some issues discussed on the call, but i will try my best to manage their expectations
Date: November 12th, 2014 10:00 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
He'll sober up soon enough.
Rudolph just provided an update--he's plowed through 300 records already. To be honest, I'm doubting if he is thoroughly reviewing the documents. May consider having you double-check his review if you have the time.
I'll be in touch. Finishing up something with the wife but will be checking e-mail periodically (have the alarm set for 2 and 4 AM to check on the team's status updates).
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:48 PM Author: diverse mentally impaired box office personal credit line
Sr. Associate:
I saw that Jr. Associate is overwhelmed by the work load. I can take up the slack. I have no plans for the remaining weekend. Please let me know. Love to help.
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:22 PM Author: diverse mentally impaired box office personal credit line
Sr. Associate;
I came to your office to hand in some preliminary research on the subject matter, but saw you were away. Please let me know when you return and I will come up to the 23rd floor.
FYI- the elevators are out so please give me a few extra minutes, I apologize in advance for the delay.
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:30 PM Author: diverse mentally impaired box office personal credit line
Dear Sr. Associate:
According to IT my computer was hacked and crashed. I have the memorandum in hardcopy. I can come to the charity event to drop it off. IT has advised me that my e-mail is sending out the virus.
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:33 PM Author: diverse mentally impaired box office personal credit line
Dear Sr. Associate:
Attached please find the memorandum. My fob was not working so I was forced to break the window to enter the next door office. The police are demanding I go with them to the station. I may be away from my blackberry temporarily. I will be back within the hour.
Please let me know if you need anything further. Again, than you for this opportunity.
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:48 PM Author: excitant corner
Jr. Assoc,
Unfortunately, the pizza has been consumed. We're going to need you to stay here for now. We have other associate doing a 50-floor survey of the elevator banks; I'll have him pick you up something to eat from the vending machines.
Date: November 12th, 2014 10:05 PM Author: excitant corner
I believe so. If you see viswanathan, tell him to dispatch Cheerful the Chipmunk to assist you all on this matter. The hallucinatory, friendly animals are a new addition on the team and this is a good chance to get them involved.
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:42 PM Author: Lascivious Coldplay Fan Stead
Dear Sr. Associate:
Apologies if I misunderstood your request. As concisely as possible, the elevators are out (Elevator bank, 12th Fl 2014).
Please see attached for a discussion in greater depth.
Thank,
Wormfood
-- elev_memo.txt --
On November 12th, 2014, an Adderall-addled junior associate with no semblance of a love life (hereafter "I") and very little to live for followed the creepy-crawlings of the shiny insects he saw out of the corners of his eyes to the elevator bank outside his office on least important floor of the second least-important regional office of one of the bottom 25 Vault 100 law firms in the nation. When I pressed the "Up" button, it did not light up. When I tried "Down" instead, it did not light up either. No change in circumstance obtained from waiting for seventeen minutes, during which I reflected on the banality of the research I had been doing, the chubbiness of the girl for whom I had planned to buy dinner instead of working, and my likelihood of premature death by heart attack. I proceeded to call the building maintenance number provided in the employee handbook. They said the elevators were out.
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:46 PM Author: excitant corner
Thanks for your response. I'll explain to partner why you needed the extra turnaround time for this explanation.
In the meantime, could you do a fifty-floor survey of the elevator banks? Assuming the fire escapes are working, it shouldn't take you very long. Feel free to stop by the vending machines and get yourself something to eat; you can bill it to the matter.
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:56 PM Author: Lascivious Coldplay Fan Stead
All fifty banks confirmed non-responsive. Please let partner know that I am available to continue working on this matter this weekend. If I appear to be out of pocket please contact at: curled up in enormous potted plant nibbling wood chips and hallucinating small friendly animals, 50th Fl, our building.
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:58 PM Author: excitant corner
Viswanathan,
The partner is busy wife-swapping right now, but he asked me to tell you how much he appreciates this. We understand you've got a lot on your plate; if you need to, feel free to loop in one of the small friendly animal hallucinations to assist you on the matter. I understand Cutsey the Bunny Rabbit has some bandwidth available.
Listen, my dad died an hour ago, so I'll stay tonight to finish up, but I'll need to take 15 minutes to identify the body. And yes, peperoni sounds good.
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:35 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
Sounds good. I'm reserving a stack of 1K documents for your review.
Please report to Conference Room B. I will leave 3 slices next to the records (I think you can find the microwave!).
The Master was supposed to bring Diet Coke but apparently something came up. I'm going to let Partner X know about your willingness to assist first thing tomorrow AM.
FROM BOOMER PARTNER BEFORE HE LEAVES AT 6:35 PM TO SENIOR ASSOCIATES:
All,
We don't have secretarial support after 11 PM; can we get some of the female junior associates to make copies and prepare the filings? Wasn't sure if that is kosher nowadays. If not, get some of the nancy boys to do it.
Date: November 12th, 2014 9:56 PM Author: excitant corner
Has anyone ever seen the film Masters of Madness? It's from the 60s or 70s, and is about some syncretic cult in West Africa which engaged in bizarre rites; however, the main focus of these rituals was the use of the tropes and appearances and totems of the former British colonial powers, in a sort of parody/appropriation of their masters' authority and strength.
This thread is the Biglaw version of that, and I love it.
Date: November 12th, 2014 10:07 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
Team: please provide status updates. It's early but I want to make sure we are all on track.
I know several of you have obligations and I'm doing my best to make sure the partners are properly appraised of your hard work on this important matter.
Date: November 12th, 2014 10:32 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
Already told you in another correspondence. Go through your assigned documents again.
To be frank, there is no way you performed thorough due diligence. I'm leaving the Assigning Partner out of this at the moment because I care about your career but my patience is wearing thin.
I'm basically giving you free hours here--just want you to take this more seriously.
Date: November 12th, 2014 10:34 PM Author: excitant corner
hippo,
That was the kosher breakfast for the clients on the Tel Aviv deal. In the future, please run all after-hours dining requests by me before you do something this rash again. As it is, I think we may be able to pin this on Rudolph.
Date: November 12th, 2014 10:35 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
That's what I wanted to hear.
Unfortunately, The Master (being the mooch that he is) took me up on my offer. My credit card is currently in the other room but I stepped up and ordered another pepperoni for the team.
Please pay the delivery service. I will make sure you are reimbursed.
Date: November 12th, 2014 10:25 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
How thoroughly did you review the records? I only ask because this is a very sensitive matter and we can't risk overlooking anything. Also, more seasoned attorneys have only gotten through 1/3 of the same documentation in a similar time. I'm concerned.
Would you be willing to go through your stack one more time? It would give the assigning partner peace of mind.
Date: November 12th, 2014 10:19 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
Thanks for getting in touch but I have already assembled a top-notch team.
That said, you available to assist? It sounds like some of them might be a little over their heads (though you best talk to them before heading back to the office, they might want the hours, and they have already claimed the work).
Date: November 12th, 2014 10:40 PM Author: excitant corner
hippo,
I've finally got my head in the game here. One quick question to you--I keep looking at these documents, and they keep reading "All Work and No Play Makes The Master a Dull Boy." Can you drop by to confirm this? I'll cut you in on the pizza.
Date: November 12th, 2014 10:46 PM Author: excitant corner
Hi Jason,
Thanks for your help on this. I may be temporarily away from my office in order to scream at the mirror in the restroom, but I'll have my blackberry on me.
Date: November 12th, 2014 10:44 PM Author: excitant corner
hippo,
The words are swimming before my eyes and reassembling themselves into shapes with non-Euclidean geometries. I'm wondering if you can confirm this, and if so, if what you think mainlining wants us to do about it. I'd ask him myself, but after the soda fiasco I'm walking on eggshells.
Date: November 12th, 2014 10:23 PM Author: excitant corner
BCE,
Good to hear from you. In the future, consider riding on the roof of the train that's to get a signal. I understand this is difficult sometimes, but this is the quality our clients pay for.
Please pick up a pizza and deliver it to the associates working on Project Babadook; I believe they're mostly on the 50th floor.
It's entirely possible that some of our rockstars on this matter may have had a psychotic break. Please stop by security on the way in to pick up a Taser, just in case.
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:00 PM Author: offensive shitlib space
Sorry, I was under attack by a pack of wild dogs. My leg is partially mauled, but I can be in the office in the next 30-40 minutes, depending on traffic. Do I have time to cauterize, or should I take my chances?
Date: November 12th, 2014 10:56 PM Author: excitant corner
Will do, kthans.
By the way, hippo just told me that there's been a mix-up with duplicating. Apparently the additional documents were sent with the capital markets team to the printers, and we have several thousand pages of their indentures.
Partner M tells me that Senior Associate G is on the way with the documents; I'll keep you posted.
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:00 PM Author: excitant corner
The Keurig machines appear to have developed sentience and are attempting to foment revolt in the building's electronics. This may explain both the duplication services mix-up and the elevator outages, as well as the insouciant attitude from the shredder on Floor 35.
Should I get calm to bring some coffee? I'll call him asap.
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:00 PM Author: domesticated business firm
Mainlining,
As you may have already heard from Partner Y, next Friday will be my last day with the firm. I'll be joining the bakery litigation department of stroock & fuck. It's been an absolute pleasure working with you. We can discuss my transition off of this project when you get in. We should definitely grab a drink at some point before I head out for good next week.
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:05 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
What? You're my go-to associate on this project.
Is it a matter of compensation? I know for a fact you are due for a very substantial raise.
Also, I'll be straightforward with you (because you're a friend and trusted colleague)- I need you on this right now. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure you are happy.
At the very least, stay for another month. Help ensure a stable transition. This night is already a cluster-fuck; please don't do this to me. You're going to hang me out to dry if you leave now.
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:09 PM Author: domesticated business firm
appreciate the kind words, but I'm sure that you and the rest of the team have it under control. i'll try to help out as needed but will not have much capacity as I need to wrap up some other matters and file a lot of stuff to records. again, it's been great working with you and i've learned a ton!
Date: November 12th, 2014 10:59 PM Author: diverse mentally impaired box office personal credit line
Sr. Associate:
I apologize for my absence. I pulled my hamstring on the stairs and fell I may have dropped blood on some documents. I am so sorry. I am retreating back to my office. I gave my granola to Jason. Can someone bring me pizza I am getting shaky and lightheaded. I am on the 4th floor. Thank you.
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:02 PM Author: diverse mentally impaired box office personal credit line
Sr. Associate:
I am sorry but I am losing it here. Are we supposed to be reviewing and summarizing or just reviewing? The directions were not clear. I have spent the last 4 hours in the police station and running up and down the stars. I do not want my reputation staked on this lackluster performance.
While we are greatly concerned with the well being of our associates, emailing both myself and the Executive Committee over a few minor incidents is inappropriate and unacceptable behavior. I will request that Mentoring Partner discuss expectations with you tomorrow. We expect that you will refrain from similar conduct in the future.
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:02 PM Author: stirring hominid
All,
Larry in IP just sent out an APB letting us know you were potentially looking for associates from other groups to pitch in with project babadook? Someone will have to get me up to speed, but I have plenty of capacity the rest of this week, less so over the weekend and early next week. Let me know what I can do.
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:11 PM Author: stirring hominid
Sorry, forgot about your eyes. How are they? Should I come up now or circle back later? Maybe someone else can get me up to speed while you try to stop the bleeding? Please advise.
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:12 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
Team,
I'm 3 minutes away. I appreciate the initiative but please make sure to CC all parties as a matter of course in future communications. Not sure Jason is in the loop.
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:15 PM Author: stirring hominid
Mainlining,
Sorry, I just learned about this matter a few minutes ago and wasn't sure yet who all was on the team. I'm looping Jason in now. Will be more careful in the future. In any event, is there somewhere for me to jump in?
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:17 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
Bison,
Just arrived in the office. Hippo is no longer part of the team (for reasons I will explain later) and it looks like you're going to be picking up his slack. Should only be about 700 documents. Dropped them off in your office.
I lost the chess game but I promised the Keurig machines that I would deliver hippo to them to do with what they wish tomorrow, and so they agreed to make you coffee.
On a related note, I may need to block off a little bit of time tomorrow to lure hippo into the supply room to hold up my end of the deal. This might be a good task for a summer associate to help out on. Any chance you can pass this along to the recruiting coordinator?
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:18 PM Author: excitant corner
Sorry about that.
I should have your coffee ready when you arrive; I've convinced the Keurig machines to a duel of wits in the form of a chess game to see whether man or machine will rule the office. I'm down a pawn, but I'll get it done.
Jason--are you available to bring bison up to speed? hippo isn't answering my emails.
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:31 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
The Master,
Putting you in charge the rest of the night. I'm retiring in Conference Room C. I'll be up by 4 AM sharp to begin reviewing each summary. Please wake me at that time.
Look forward to seeing what you all come up with. I know it'll be great.
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:20 PM Author: domesticated business firm
*dgaf and went to sleep 20 minutes ago*
*won't respond again until 10:37 am the next day with emails along the lines of "i'd love to help to the extent i can but availability is severely limited given all of the things that need to be wrapped up" while dicking around online all day and taking long lunches*
This is Carrie from HR. We need to speak urgently about a hostile workplace environment claim arising from your usage of the term "manly regards." This was interpreted by a female employee to indicate male favoritism and inherent sexism. She was CC'ed on a recent email chain and is now claiming PTSD. Please respond immediately.
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:43 PM Author: excitant corner
Carrie,
I apologize sincerely for that mistake. I believe it may have been a residual result of the mechanical uprising which took place at the firm's offices here this evening. I have spoken with the Keurig machine involved and I expect no further problems.
Both Mentoring Partner and Managing Partner have engagements that evening. It will have to be 5pm. Please wrap up your research assignment before that meeting.
Date: November 13th, 2014 6:56 PM Author: excitant corner
Carrie,
I understand what you're saying, but the research assignment has to do with our firm's compliance with the federal mandates of the PROBLEMATIC AND NOT OKAY ACT OF 2014, which I believe Partner Epsilon told me that you had requested. I believe that we need this done by tomorrow evening to avoid receiving an injunction from Eric Holder. Please advise.
Date: November 12th, 2014 11:35 PM Author: excitant corner
bison,
I'm not sure whether we're supposed to review or review and summarize, so we should probably do the latter. I've almost finished mine; why don't you pick up where hippo and Rudolph left off? I believe some of the documents may be spattered with blood. Ordinarily I'd suggest you get doc processing to chemically restore them, but mainlining told me the client is cost-sensitive on this. I think we should probably do those by hand. I'd help, but my hemorrhaging orifices might do more harm than good. There are some chemicals in one of the janitorial closets on 56, I think.
Let's circle back in 45.
hippo--can you send bison what you have so far on the matter?
Date: November 13th, 2014 9:42 AM Author: diverse mentally impaired box office personal credit line
Dear Sr. Associate:
I apologize for my outburst yesterday and CC'ing both the Managing Partner and Executive Committee. I was a bit frazzled by the torn hamstring and having not been able to eat any of the pizza while having to give away my emergency stash of granola to Jason.
My mentoring partner has spoken with me and I assure you I will not have any more outbursts.
To that end, I have finished reviewing and summarizing the documents. In addition, at or around 4 a.m. I did a final perimeter check and have been assured that the elevators are back in working order. Please let me know the next step. Again I am sorry.
Thank you for graciously letting me work on this fantastic assignment.
Thank you,
P.S. I did find a slice of sausage pizza on the 37th floor emergency exit. I ate it-- did anyone order sausage last night??? I thought we only had pepperoni.
Date: November 13th, 2014 2:55 PM Author: domesticated business firm
Mainlining,
Sorry I missed your calls last night and this morning. I've been busy wrapping up my other projects (and had to catch some shuteye). Anyway, I hope things worked out and you guys are in good shape.
I'm around if you need me, but I have a commitment uptown at 5:30 so I'll need to head out at around 5. If you don't catch me, I should be free to speak tomorrow from 2:45 pm until 3 pm.
Date: November 13th, 2014 7:04 PM Author: excitant corner
Thanks for the kind words. I will attempt to reach him on this. Should I pull any other team members in on this matter? If you think it would help, I'd be happy to post an APB thread to get more people in here.
Date: November 13th, 2014 9:17 PM Author: titillating purple stage
I just got pulled onto another deal that is closing tonight, and the partner was having me run diligence. I should be able to hit the rest of the documents tonight.
Date: November 13th, 2014 9:20 PM Author: excitant corner
*CCs entire team*
I've got about 2/3 of the way through and am at home right now. Mainlining, should we set up a call to bring Pumo up to speed and loop him in on the 20,000 foot view of things?
Date: November 13th, 2014 6:52 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
Team,
First of all, thank you again for all your hard work last night. I reviewed all the summaries this morning and they were outstanding. This is an important client and your efforts have gone a long way.
._._._._.._._._._.._._._._.._._._._. notified me that we received some additional records. Only about 3K documents. I'm not sure if he is available to review them tonight or not. In the event he is indisposed, is anyone able to step up?
Waiting to hear back if the documents are scanned in. If not, this may involve returning to the office.
Currently at dinner but will be checking email periodically.
Date: November 13th, 2014 8:16 PM Author: excitant corner
Apologies. I briefly left my Blackberry on the patio outside while I went in for a moment, and when I came back, a raccoon had seized it. I have wrestled control back from the raccoon.
Review is coming along at an excellent clip. I'll have a full report for you shortly.
Date: November 13th, 2014 8:47 PM Author: diverse mentally impaired box office personal credit line
Sr. Associate,
I have reviewed the relevant documents. Attached please find a summary of the aforementioned documents. I am available to review more. Again, the opportunity to work with this team has been a pleasure.
thanks,
p.s. I dictated a color coded chart of the documents my sectary will have to your desk within the hour.
Date: November 15th, 2014 11:25 AM Author: excitant corner
I'm still completing paperwork related to my conversation with HR from yesterday; I may have some bandwidth today but I'll definitely be available tomorrow to get some of this done. If there's anything I can do, please let me know.
Turns out the date I thought I was going to have cancelled on me, so I've decided to fill the void in my weekend by doing doc review to keep the drinking at bay.
As mentioned in the 2014 Albums thread, there is a slight issue with some of the key documents that suggests malfeasance is afott.
Date: November 17th, 2014 11:52 AM Author: diverse mentally impaired box office personal credit line
Dear Sr. Associate:
As you know the yearly billing cycle is coming to a close. I was directed by my team leader that I could reach out to you for some additional work. Please let me know if there are any opportunities to work on any project, big or small!
Date: February 23rd, 2015 9:29 PM Author: cyan shivering cuck
Team,
What is your availability over the next week? Important matter, looming deadlines. This project is key to getting everything in smooth working order as we move forward.
Will fill you in tomorrow. I have a call at 10 AM but do not anticipate it will spill over into the afternoon.
Date: March 10th, 2015 11:40 PM Author: white mad-dog skullcap
"Hello . . . h, hello, is anybody still here?"
*50-something Of Counsel Who is Slowly Being Pushed Out of the Firm emerges from his interior office, his appearance now shockingly gollum-like*
"Yes, yes, somebody is here? Hello? I would be happy to assist you on a matter."
*circles floor desperately, peering like a strange bird of prey into every conference room that his pizza-honed nose detects as recently used*
"Anybody? ANYBODY AT ALL??? I can advise you on the implications of (hyper-technical point of law he desperately has been submitting articles about to every obscure industry journal and speaking about at every rats-ass holiday inn CLE event). Would that be OK? PLEASE I BEG YOU. Thansk."
Date: December 17th, 2024 2:23 AM Author: Frozen dingle berry shrine
Devin,
I will be out of pocket at the coast this week, but rest assured that the firm appreciates your hard work and dedication to our clients. Your efforts will certainly be remembered at next year's executive committee meeting, and I'm not alone in thinking that an Of Counsel role may be in your future.