Cast:

Michael Flatulence, a student

Gormghlaith J. Reilly, a student

Lord High Chancellor of XO University

Professor Emilio

Professor Lex

Provosts, Trustees, and Chairs

TSINAH, a community college student

----

Michael Flatulence and Gormghlaith J. Reilly are college sweethearts at the preftigious XO University. There, Gormghlaith has captured all the hearts of the faculty and student body alike.

----

(The sun, whose rays, The Mikado)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDXWU69KrFI

Gormghlaith: The fags, those gays

My nerves abrase,

My own purgatory,

They can't deny

His majesty

They don't know the full story!

We didn't break up,

I'm no backup,

So leave me the fuck alone--

You're bald and old,

And far too bold,

Don't you dare call my cellphone.

I mean to spam the Bort

As he gets high

I really know my worth

Michael and I!

----

Observe my flame

The Irish dame

The mole under my left nostril

Just one faint trace

Upon my face

Or random girl, it's possible.

I help my boss

To save him the cost

Of repairing his typewriter

And, truth to tell

It works out well

For I, have one, to deliver

I pray for my mistake

I was not shy

Husband and I wide awake

Noam and I!

----

Gormghlaith and Michael sing the following duet.

----

(I know a youth who loves a little maid, Ruddigore)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTbykFwND34

Michael: I know a youth who "loved" an Irish maid

(Hey, but his jawline is a sight for to see!)

Pumo is he, for he's modest and afraid

(Hey, but he's a coward as a quotemo can be!)

----

Gormghlaith: I know a maid who loves a greek god youth,

(Hey, but she sickens him as the days go by!)

She cannot tell him all the sad, sad truth

(Hey, but I think that Irish maid will die!)

----

Michael: Poor little man!

Gormghlaith: Poor Irish maid!

----

Michael//Gormghlaith: Now let us pray, and tell me true.

What in the world should the young man//maiden do?

----

Michael: He cannot poast and he cannot cede

(Hey, but his face is a sight that all have seen!)

Daily, he jacks off and smokes lots of weed

(Hey, but he knows in anger she wants to demean)

----

Gormghlaith: She's very thin and she's very short

(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!)

Daily she goes to whine on that Bort

(Hey, but I think that little maid will die!)

----

Michael: Poor little man!

Gormghlaith: Poor Irish maid!

----

Michael//Gormghlaith: Now let us pray, and tell me true.

What in the world should the young man//maiden do?

----

Gormghlaith: If I were the man, I would offer her my new address

(Hey, but she finally has a car to drive)

----

Michael: If I were the maid, I would just give it a rest

(Hey, but this breakup I did contrive)

----

Gormghlaith: If I were the youth I should meet with her to talk –

(Hey, but she sickens when theres no reply!)

----

Michael: If I were the maid I would not have taken miles of cock –

(For I really do believe that she fucked Sam Hyde!)

----

Gormghlaith: Poor Irish maid!

Michael: Poor little man!

----

Michael//Gormghlaith: I thank you, miss//sir, for your counsel true:

I'll tell that man//maid what he//she ought to do!

----

Her suitors ask her if there's anything they can do to win her affection. Gormghlaith says if they can figure out her middle name, then her heart is theirs. An emergency faculty senate meeting is called. The members of the academy enter in a procession.

----

(Loudly let the trumpet bray, Iolanthe)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CzZNzQeyqM

Faculty: Loudly let the threads blank bump!

xoxo!

Proudly bang all the fempoasters!

cr!

As you mewl and as you simp

We all are considered closers

xoxo! cr!

Bow, bow, ye unpreftigious poasters!

Bow, bow, ye Tufts grads! Bow ye coasters!

Draft the emails, sort the folders!

xoxo! cr!

We are poasters of highest station

Paragons of litigation

Pillars of the legal profession

xoxo! cr!

----

Then the Lord High Chancellor enters the building.

----

(I am the Monarch of the Sea, HMS Pinafore)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZ-gfalEWI0

Lord High: I am the Chancellor of this school

Through its by-laws and its Rule

Run the endowment and such affairs

----

Poasters: And we are his Provosts, and his Trustees and his Chairs!

And we are his Provosts, and his Trustees and his Chairs!

----

Lord High: When this bear market here I ride,

My bosom swells with pride,

And I snap my fingers to sell off our shares

----

Poasters: And so do his Provosts, and his Trustees and his Chairs!

And so do his Provosts, and his Trustees and his Chairs!

----

Lord High: But when the students come

(I generally think they're dumb)

So I seek seclusion in my office upstairs

----

Poasters: And so do his Provosts, and his Trustees and his Chairs!

His Provosts and his Trustees, Whom he reckons there are ninety, and his Chairs!

----

The first order of business concerns Gormghlaith. The faculty is absolutely smitten with her and demands the Chancellor reveal her middle name, so that they may pursue her.

----

(The law is the true embodiment, Iolanthe)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8MvE956dZA

Lord High: The One Law is the true embodiment

Of everything that's excellent

It has no kind of fault or flaw

And I, Lord High, will follow this Law

The institutional guardian me

Of a certain young poaster's identity

All very athletic girls, and none

Were over the age of 21

An unpleasant temptation for

A rather susceptible board poaster!

----

Poasters: An unpleasant temptation for

A rather susceptible board poaster!

----

Lord High: But though the compliments you replied

Inflate me with legitimate pride

It nevertheless can't be denied

That it has its inconvenient side

For that thread's not so old, where she did complain

And we're not prepared to out her again

But there'd be the deuce to pay with the mods

If I gave the name of one of my broads!

Which rather tries my temper, for

I'm such a susceptible thread author!

----

Poasters: Which rather tries his temper, for

He's such a susceptible thread author!

----

Lord High: And everyone who'd like a frump

Must reply to me with a blank bump

And on this Board I wait all day

Giving athletic girls away

With one for em and one for ve

And one for xyr and one for xe

And one for zir and one for ze

But never, oh, never a one for me!

Which is exasperating for

A highly susceptible content creator!

----

Poasters: Which is exasperating for

A highly susceptible content creator!

----

Meanwhile right outside, Gormghlaith starts talking to TSINAH, a community college student who has tried numerous occasions to transfer into XO University.

----

(When darkly looms the day, Iolanthe)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwrmmilqAJ4

Gormghlaith: When darkly looms the day

And all is dull and gray,

To chase the gloom away

On thee I'll call!

----

Michael: What was that?

----

Professor Lex: I think I heard her say

That on a rainy day

To while the time away,

On him she'd call!

----

Poasters: We think we heard her say

That on a rainy day

To while the time away,

On him she'd call!

----

TSINAH: When poasters discuss your dad

Your hometown, which makes you mad

If thou shouldst need a chad

I'll give thee one!

----

Michael: What was that?

----

Professor Emilio: I heard the minx remark,

She'll meet him after dark,

Outside of Fenway Park,

And give him one!

----

Poasters: We heard the minx remark,

She'll meet him after dark,

Outside of Fenway Park,

And give him one!

----

All: The prospect's very bad

Her heart so sore and sad

Will never more be glad

As he's had his fun

For when the poasts go dark

With a breakup so stark

If she was just a mark,

Michael has made her one.

----

Michael: Oh, shameless one, tremble!

Nay, do not endeavor

Thy fault to dissemble,

We part-- and for ever!

I trusted her blindly

She sleeps with another

----

Gormghlaith: Attend to me kindly,

TSINAH's basically my brother!

----

Professor Lex: TSINAH's basically her what?

----

Gormghlaith: Basically my brother!

----

Tenors: TSINAH's her what?

----

Basses: She says he's basically her brother!

----

*They point derisively to Gormghlaith, heartily laughing at her. She goes to Michael. Enter Lord High Chancellor.*

----

Lord High: What means this mirth unseemly.

That shakes the listening Board?

----

Professor Emilio: The joke is good extremely

And justifies this record.

----

Professor Lex: This Irish maid is seen

With a man Falstaffian

A-taking of comede, bibe et epulare

And wonders she'd achieve,

For she asks us to believe

He's her brother-- and he weighs three hundred and twenty!

----

Lord High: Recollect yourself, I pray,

And be careful what you say

As the poet Goethe wrote, Eile mit Weile

For I really do not see

How a thin girl could be

The sister of a man weighing three hundred and twenty!

----

Professors: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

----

Gormghlaith: My Lord, of evidence I have no dearth

He is-- has been -- like a brother, for what it's worth

On this board

Upon my words he clung

With whiteknighthood

My praises he had sung

Had he withheld

The succor he supplied

By attention quelled

Your Gormghlaith might have died!

----

Lord High (much moved): Had that attention been denied,

Indeed our Gormghlaith might have died!

----

Professors (much affected): Had that attention been denied,

Indeed our Gormghlaith might have died!

----

Professor Lex: But as he's not

Her brother, it appears,

Why weep these hot

Unnecessary tears?

And by what laws

Should we so joyously

Rejoice, because

Our Gormghlaith did not die?

Oh rather let us pipe our eye

Because our Gormghlaith did not die!

----

Professors: That's very true — let's pipe our eye

Because our Gormghlaith did not die!

----

Michael: Go traitorous one-- for ever we must part:

Gormghlaith: To one of you, my professors, I give my heart!

----

Professors: Oh, rapture!

----

Gormghlaith: Hear me, Michael, ere you leave me.

----

Michael: Not a word-- you did deceive me

----

Professors: Not a word-- you did deceive him.

----

*Exits Michael*

----

Gormghlaith: For riches and clout I've always hated

Their pleasures are false and sick

I gave up the love of the educated

For the love of a simple Mick

But now that Michael thinks I'm untrue

With sorrowful heart I turn to you

A heart that's aching,

Quaking, breaking,

As sorrowful hearts are won't to do!

----

The degrees and rank that you befall

Are the only baits you use

So the most learned and highest rank of you all

My sorrowful heart shall choose.

As none are so learned-- none so smart

As these professors, not Mike Fart

In my heart that's aching,

Quaking, breaking,

For one of you two-- which I can't tell apart!

----

Gormghlaith (to Professor Lex and Professor Emilio)

To you I give my heart so rich!

----

Professors: To which?

----

Gormghlaith: I do not care!

To you I yield-- it is my doom!

----

Professors: To whom?

----

Gormghlaith: I'm not aware!

I'm yours for life if you but choose.

----

Professors: She's whose?

----

Gormghlaith: That's your affair!

I'll be a wife of a professor, shall I not?

----

Professors: Of what?

----

Gormghlaith: I do not care!

----

Professor: Lucky little lady

Michael's lot is shady

Education is vital

"Wife of Professor" is the title,

Yes, "Wife of Professor" the title, the title

But of what I'm not aware!

----

As neither Lex and Emilio can decide who should wed Gormghlaith, they both decide not to pursue her. They realize if one should sleep with Gormghlaith, the other would grow resentful, and their friendship would be ruined. After both Lex and Emilio decide not to pursue Gormghlaith, the Chancellor decides he will throw his hat into the rink. But he's shy, so consults Lex and Emilio.

----

(If you go in, Iolanthe)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4KyqXhAO5c

----

Professor Lex: If you obsess

Her heart you'll possess

Your charm you'll use to woo her:

The One Law

The shitmods saw,

"Simpmo never won fempoaster!"

----

All: Never, never, never,

"Simpmo never won fempoaster!"

Every girl needs chad the most

When 'bout her worst affairs she'll poast

Blank the name whene'er need be

Mind the One Law; don't write ---ie!

----

Professor Emilio: He who shies

At such a prize

Is not a man, but a poser

Don't be kind

Bear this in mind--

"Simpmo never won fempoaster!"

----

All: Never, never, never

"Simpmo never won fempoaster!"

While the sun shines make your reply

Imagine her midriff in your mind's eye

Pop the cherry in her bed

None but chad will see those legs spread

----

Lord High: I'll go ahead

And make a thread--

Though I fear she'll think I'm a loser

Songs I penned

To be her friend–

"Simpmo never won fempoaster!"

----

All: Never, never, never

"Simpmo never won fempoaster!"

Nothing venture, nothing win

Your girlfriend's thick, but this girl's thin

Only A cups, when under 100 pound

Mental illness makes this Board go round!

----

Lord High then abuses his position and marries the fair Gormghlaith, and also has Michael expelled from the university. TSINAH is hauled off campus by security. Curtain falls.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5208633&forum_id=2#45302837)

a little bit of both is okay too.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5208633&forum_id=2#45313931)

But plotwise, everything fits fairly well.

I think Rehnquist would have approved of the Iolanthe parody.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5208633&forum_id=2#45314917)

same here. lots of times an idea or line comes to mind and I chuckle and lament no one else irl could ever understand. so i write for XO, but it seems the scholarship gets hidden by all the other threads

like even the line "simpmo never won fempoaster". was very happy with this poetic line, yet no one irl would have any idea what this means.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5208633&forum_id=2#45323503)

Could you make sure you forward this to GJR next time you email to SIMP for her? I spent a good deal of time on this, and she might find this funny.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5208633&forum_id=2#45363013)