What can I expect POST Divorce?
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Poast new message in this thread
Date: June 27th, 2024 5:21 PM
Author: ....:::..:....:::..:...;;;..;...:.::
My wife and I have been on the rocks for a while now. I have my own business, and the last couple years have made a lot of money (over 1.5 mil per year). We recently bought a house in cash and paid off student loans, have several hundred k left over. Everything was made during marriage and we've been married for 10 years, living together for 15. We both came from fucked up family backgrounds.
We've been in couples therapy and me in individual therapy for the past year. Couples therapy has largely made things worse, individual therapy is making me recognize that there are certain patterns she can't control and is unable to recognize that are resulting in nearly constant fighting that escalate extremely quickly. As a result I'm pretty avoidant.
We're reaching the point where we're both getting on board with being done. we both love each other but our communication is garbage.
No kids. I'm 6'1" (not flame) but def not 6'4". White guy in pretty good shape with a decent number of hobbies.
What can i expect dating to look like given that I'm 39, recently divorced and have absolutely zero experience on apps.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47783698) |
Date: June 27th, 2024 5:28 PM Author: megapoaster summer
Stop fucking going to “therapy” holy shit
I’m not rooting for you or giving you any advice until you stop sabotaging yourself
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47783746) |
Date: June 27th, 2024 6:05 PM
Author: ....:::..:....:::..:...;;;..;...:.::
We currently live in HCOL area walking distance to the beach. Socal...
Wife is a nurse. But very type A, tough, etc. Had severely mentally ill mom and was more or less raised by her dad who is extremely codependent and has prioritized mom over his own kids. She was abused physically and emotionally as a child repeatedly by her mom.
I came from a fucked up background with an alki father and an autist mother. Very little love, no emotional stability or safety.
Therapy has been helpful for me just in that I have someone to talk to and keep me from spinning in my head. Couples therapy has been a disaster and has made things worse.
That alone leads me to believe I need to get off this train sooner rather than later. Just not looking forward to the apps hellscape.
Would like to start over by dating late 20s chicks but don't know how feasible that is without being 6'5". I make a lot of money, don't have any drinking/drug problems, have done fine with women during marriage (left wife one time for 3-4 months with smokeshow, and was propositioned by others).
But for some reason I'm thinking I'll be isolated and forever alone. Don't really have any close friends of mine as my friends were sorta squeezed out over time and I was left with "mutual" friends which are clearly going to be loyal to wife.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47783888) |
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Date: June 27th, 2024 6:06 PM Author: Hubby helps wife with endowed allies
Relate to any of this:
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47783893) |
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Date: June 27th, 2024 6:14 PM
Author: ....:::..:....:::..:...;;;..;...:.::
I don't do well with authority figures.
Definitely am an approval seeker, frightened by angry people. Have had a drinking problem in the past, under control now but work too much.
Guilt for standing up for myself.
Addicted to Excitement
Def confuse love and pity
Defintiely relate to stuffing feelings and judging myself extremely harshly.
And while I initially said no to the last one I'd say this is playing a major role in me staying currently.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47783936) |
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Date: June 27th, 2024 6:12 PM
Author: ....:::..:....:::..:...;;;..;...:.::
FML... I'm fairly certain I will never get married again or if I do it will absolutely be with a pre-nup. The fact I have to give my wife half of everything I earned from building my business from the ground up after she repeatedly told me not to start it and to just keep making 120k a year is infuriating.
I'm not angry at her so much as myself for not doing this earlier but it is what it is at this stage.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47783921) |
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Date: June 27th, 2024 6:20 PM
Author: ....:::..:....:::..:...;;;..;...:.::
I'm basically hoping this is correct. After being in a live in relationship for 15 years though I don't even know where to begin and I anticipate dating is going to be rough.
I used to have all kinds of little break the ice comments, one liners, etc. and did extremely well with women in my early - mid twenties.
Now... LJL.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47783955) |
Date: June 27th, 2024 6:21 PM Author: Mercurius Judaicus
pull as many funds corporate into a WY holding company, start putting into crypto and silver gold, empty joint accounts except whats fair to leave your shrew bitch ex wife whos aleady fucking someone else and leave country and never come back
not flame
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47783959) |
Date: June 27th, 2024 6:38 PM Author: sex with females makes you weak and pliable
You waited too long to be able to focus on young pussy post-divorce. #1 priority is producing babydoods ASAP.
TCR plan as follows:
(1) Immediately following separation take a 1-week solo vacation to Eastern Europe and fuck 1 Svetlana hooker each day, and try to fuck one from Tinder each night. (Feel free to do Thailand if that's your thing).
(2) Upon return, sign up for as many sperm donor services as you can. If you're, in fact, White, tall(ish) and successful, you have a decent shot as your sperm being used.
(3) Also upon return, reach out to all relevant friends and family and tell them you're newly single and looking to get set up on dates. Also make sure to attend every single social event you can. This is your #1 angle for your future-baby-dood-incubator search.
(4) If (3) is not going well after 1 month, put effort into a solid dating app (excluding Tinder) profile. Only put any effort into girls who seem like REASONABLE (given your shitty circumstances) wife material. (All while continuing (3))
(5) After three months of (4), if you're not seriously dating anyone, feel free to download Tinder. You're permitted ONE one-night stand per month -- which must be made clear to the girl is a on-night stand. No second dates. All while continuing, and focusing on, (3-4))
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47784022)
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Date: June 27th, 2024 7:23 PM
Author: ....:::..:....:::..:...;;;..;...:.::
Therapist was a dude, came recommended and wasn't cheap.
Essentially each session for a year we'd start out with him talking about our "dance" and then we'd start in on an ex of a fight/disagreement for him. I was encouraged to express how I was feeling as opposed to me just shutting down and avoiding. I'm conflict avoidant.
Me expressing my feelings would result in immediate defensiveness from my wife and her getting pissed off and she'd start yelling. We ended 1/3 of the therapy apts with her storming off 5 mins before the end of the session and the therapist would then say "I think I'm getting a good understanding of your guys "dance"."
Final straw was last night. We started out sitting on couch together with her leaning on me, hand on my leg, everything ok. He got us started on some subject, that quickly devolved into a fight because i said i felt micromanaged. Ended with us not speaking eventually culminating in discussion about divorce afterwards.
Basically I've tried everything at this point and it doesn't feel like she's putting forth effort. I tried to be vulnerable based on encouragement from therapist (bad advice). Didn't work, have tried to simply not entertain her childlike antics when she's acting out... also doesn't work. etc etc.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47784187) |
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Date: June 28th, 2024 12:46 PM
Author: ....:::..:....:::..:...;;;..;...:.::
This is accurate. I think I'm going through the boundary enforcement and escalated conflict. We've sort of been through this before and slipped back into codependency but this time around I have a therapist which is helping me stick to boundaries.
However, more and more she's seeming to lack accountability which is more concerning...
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47788932) |
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Date: June 28th, 2024 8:27 AM Author: ceci n'est pas un avocat
" I tried to be vulnerable based on encouragement from therapist"
I don't even know how to fucking respond to this
this quack needs his license taken away holy shit
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47787645) |
Date: June 27th, 2024 7:38 PM Author: disco fries (29.5 fortnights to Teewinot friends - 370lbs)
Step 1: get wife to agree to an equal split of all property and no further claims to future income. She’s employed and can support herself, and you don’t have children. Get your divorce filed and processed amicably.
Step 2: exclusively date women in their 20s and find one who will have your children. Don’t marry her. Just try to have a family.
That’s pretty much all you can do, brother. Your clock is running. You need kids asap.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47784264) |
Date: June 27th, 2024 8:37 PM Author: Charles Tyrwhitt Dad
Don't sell yourself short. Anyone with the ability to make 1.5M/year will be a highly attractive prospective mate for most women. May want to talk to a dating counselor - yes, they exist - on how to present yourself during dates.
Also advise you not to target 20-somethings. You're 39 and to most women in their 20s you're already decrepit. The generational gap in outlook and cultural values between men >35 and modern women in their 20s is also much worse than it was 20 years ago.
What you want is a professional woman in her 30s who's either post first marriage or who dedicated herself to her career and is now regretting it a bit and wants to find a mate to have children and slow down a bit before it's too late - while you still bring in the fat income, naturally. But that's part of the arrangement. And it's not a bad arrangement. I would not advise on anything more than a 7 year age gap. You'll also still find women in their early 30s who've finally finished med school and residency and are looking to settle down. You want a smart woman if you want smart kids.
Women are not going to find your failed relationship scary, it's better than always having been single. Someone who was in a committed relationship for 15 years is a plus in their books. A never married/never in a relationship 39 y/o is perpetually damaged goods.
Good luck. Date widely for a year but time has a way of flying by. Find a likable woman you get along with and go for it, it's highly unlikely there's something better around the corner, especially at your age.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47784486) |
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Date: June 28th, 2024 5:48 AM Author: Hollywood Hogan
great idea there, telling a high earner with options to target FUCKING SHREWS
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"What you want is a professional woman in her 30s who's either post first marriage or who dedicated herself to her career and is now regretting it a bit and wants to find a mate to have children and slow down a bit before it's too late - while you still bring in the fat income, naturally. But that's part of the arrangement. And it's not a bad arrangement. I would not advise on anything more than a 7 year age gap. You'll also still find women in their early 30s who've finally finished med school and residency and are looking to settle down. You want a smart woman if you want smart kids. "
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47787411) |
Date: June 27th, 2024 8:51 PM Author: rickpanama
two outcomes
most likely, seeking.com - enjoy college/mid-20's girls at a fixed cost. this isn't that bad of a deal
otherwise, i have one classmate similar to you (owns a business that sells fire systems for buildings, makes crazy money) and he remarried to what is essentially a more polished version (no tats / piercings) of an instagram ho. there is a population of white women that prioritize marrying wealthy (not just rich) and have the looks to play in that market. this could be you if you're able to signal you have money (go to luxe charity/golf stuff, have a collection of exclusive cars, etc)
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47784538) |
Date: June 28th, 2024 3:56 AM Author: Salivary Stoned (xoentlaw@gmail.com)
So, what's her perspective? There are 2 sides, even if at least one of them is only a slim version of the truth (I'm still on your side).
Communication styles can be changed. Both of you, her included, need to want to work on that part. SOunds like therapy for you was just a boxing ring with a shitty ref.
I suggest going to nature for a weekend together. Take some molly or shrooms together (no alcohol) with the intent on working on your relationship together - and fucking talk and cry honestly for 4-5 hrs in a calm peaceful place. If you don't reach a better spot and some understanding after the weekend, then give it a second thought.
Both of you are stuck in toxic cycles of some sort (sounds like you've actually grown quite a lot through this shit though, still), and you need a reset. It doesn't mean divorce is absolutely necessary, but it is there if she really won't work on her shit too at the end of it.
Sucks dude. You'll be fine either way so long as you can look back and say to yourself that you did everything you absolutely could.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47787345) |
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Date: June 28th, 2024 2:47 PM
Author: ....:::..:....:::..:...;;;..;...:.::
Her perspective is she thinks I've never truly loved her and she pushed me into all of it (partially true in terms of her pushing it along).
I think lately I've been trying to be more assertive with boundaries and that's creating more tension and push back. It comes up in therapy and that's where she gets very reactive and upset. Makes it difficult to share what I'm thinking/feeling.
She thinks I'm not truly "in" the relationship and she's just waiting for me to leave.
I'm realizing we are extremely codependent and have mentioned as much to her and gotten no push back. The big question I guess is whether we can work our codependency together or whether the relationship is too toxic to salvage...
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47789569) |
Date: June 28th, 2024 12:44 PM
Author: ,.,...,..,.,.,:,,:,.,.,:::,..,..,:,.,.:.:.,:.::,. ( )
I hope for your sake you have cuckold fantasys. She will be taking miles of cock while u get rejected on dating apps
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5546257&forum_id=2#47788921) |
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