I had graduated from college and my best buds were scattered all over, and I missed them a lot. I guess, reading over it now, I guess I loved them (no homo).

Anyway, this is the little poem, which some of you have seen before:

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45237278)

lol fag

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240925)

actually the line fits though. Read it again. There’s gonna be rotation. Turning. But not spinning. I didn’t say spinning.

I was smart. Labored on it.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240921)

And the "rate and berate", etc. smacks of faggy Ginsburg/Walt Whitman-inflected junk.

Not my cup of tea.

But, yaknow, poetry is hard.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240945)

who the fuck knows. But at least get the words right before you say a line is silly.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240955)

This is seriously what I considered at the time.

But a poem is nonsense anyway and you may be right who the fuck knows. I think I’m right because of the nature of the stuff I know but who knows.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241002)

uh

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241005)

It was important that the rotation of the stone go slowly. Like how plants grow but slower than we can see

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241015)

With eyes that see the whole world, they spin

Potatoes. Their speed a melody unto itself.

They are the hidden dancers, those submerged

Esculent ones that keep the world alive.

They are night's shade, revolving like the moon,

Till daybreak when they're forced to face the sun.

These are the spuds and tubers, humble and low

root vegetables that we overlook.

Before they're boiled, or roasted, or mashed--

They gyre and revolve in their own underground ball.

And yet we never spy them dance, these spuds--

though they free us from famine with such love.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241075)

See! It’s a fun hobby.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241086)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Propitious_Esculent

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241115)

With eyes that see the whole world, they spin

Potatoes. Their speed a melody unto itself.

They are closeted dancers, those submerged

Esculent ones that keep the world alive.

They are night's shade, revolving like the moon,

Till daybreak when they're forced to face the sun.

These are the spuds and tubers, girthy and full

root vegetables I can't overlook.

Before they're boiled, or roasted, or mashed--

They gyre and revolve around their underground balls.

And women never spy them dance, these spuds--

though they free us from famine with such love.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245838)

The problem, as you can probably see, is youve got one basic image--turning potatoes--and you cant throw in things like doors and closets into the picture or we get a mishmash.

I would maybe play with something about the indiscriminancy of their reproductive process, or how their reproduction does not require an opposite ...

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245875)

i kind of like the idea of talking about potatoes as gay dudes in a disco. youd have to come at it from an entirely different angle though to start. I wouldnt know where to begin on something like that. probably how they lay low during the day and then ...

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245932)

As to Adolf's effort, as I said it's a good first draft of something. He will need to figure out exactly what he is trying to do with it, as it is pretty inchoate. He will need to work on the rhythm of the lines and make some more interesting efforts in terms of sound parallelism. Some of the line breaks don't make a lot of sense. Ultimately he would need to ask himself what he is trying to write about? Just something silly or trivial -- if a flight of imagination we need more flight -- if nothing else why not? There's no self examination in the work--it is effectively still surface level. Those are initial criticisms. I will take a look and poast more.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245741)

plz analyze these too http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5196456&forum_id=2#45225539

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245756)

DONT OPEN W EYES PUN, SAVE THAT FOR FURTHER -- THE LINE BREAK AND POTATOES PART DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

Potatoes. Their speed a melody unto itself.

tHIS LINE IS TOO OVERTLY "POETICAL"--ARE WE TALKING ABOUT "SPINNING" OR SINGING? aND HOW CAN SPEED BE A MELODY. IF ITS VARIABLE? dOES IT MAKE A NOISE?

They are the hidden dancers, those submerged

Esculent ones that keep the world alive.

GOOD.

They are night's shade, revolving like the moon,

Till daybreak when they're forced to face the sun.

I LIKE THE NIGHTS SHADE BUT IT DOESNT WORK AS YOUVE USED IT. NIGHT SHADE THE MUSHROOM -- BUT HOW ARE THE NIGHTS SHADE IF THEY ARE UNDERGROUND WHERE THE MOONLIGHT CANT REACH THEM

AND WHY ARE THEY FORCED TO FACE ANYTHING. THEY ARE UNDERGROUND, NO? REVOLVING LIKE THE MOON--HOW SO?

These are the spuds and tubers, humble and low

OKAY BUT WHY DO YOU HAVE THE AND? ARE WE NOW TALKING ABOUT OTHER TUBERS BESIDES POTATOES AS WELL?

ALSO the function of this line makes it RIPE for assonance which you should exploit more. ITS A FUNCTIONAL ANNOUNCEMENT TYPE OF LINE SO YOU HAVE TO FORCE THE INTENSITY OF THE WORDS SELECTED. AND ONE EASY WAY TO DO THAT IS THROUGH SOUND.

root vegetables that we overlook.

APPARENTLY YES? YOUVE ARGUABLY MOVED AWAY FROM TALKING ABOUT POTATOES TO ALL "ROOT VEGETABLES" AND THE "WE" --LECTURING ALL OF US MIGHT OR MGIHT NOT WORK--NOT SURE IT DOES HERE

Before they're boiled, or roasted, or mashed--

They gyre and revolve in their own underground ball.

I READ BALL AS HALL HERE. SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. BALL HAS DIFFERENT CONNOTATIONS -- red bouncy ball -- potatoes arent round like that--AND UNDERGROUND HALL IS SORT OF MORE MAGIC GNOME LIKE MAYBE

And yet we never spy them dance, these spuds--

DONT SAY SPUD AGAIN. FIND ANOTHER NEW FUNNY WORD. AND IS THE LINE REALLY NECESSARY? I DONT THINK DANCE I THINK GIMBLE OR THRUM. "Gimble" is better as it couples with gyre above and that of course is jabberwocky which is a signal that you are trying something whimsical. I DONT THINK WE NEED AND YET WE NEVER SPY THEM DANCE AT ALL TO BE HONEST.

though they free us from famine with such love.

AGAIN, TOO OVERT. I THINK YOU WOULD BE BETTER SERVED WITH A DOUBLE KENNING TO END--AND I GET TIRED OF THE WE/US PERPSECTIVE --

AS I SAID, A GOOD EFFORT. VERY VERY RESPECTABLE FOR A FEW MINUTES WORK.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245827)

NIGHT SHADE THE MUSHROOM -- BUT HOW ARE THE NIGHTS SHADE IF THEY ARE UNDERGROUND WHERE THE MOONLIGHT CANT REACH THEM

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245919)

For example:

They are the hidden dancers, those submerged

Esculent ones that keep the world alive.

There's a classic set of meter that is working there in those two to add extra power to the line.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245976)

Created by God in one day.

But I know better,

He’s just a big ‘tater,

Or the apple of earth if you’re gay.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45247510)