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Here is a little old poem I wrote back in 1994-95
Poast new message in this thread
Date: September 27th, 2022 9:53 AM Author: Opaque temple roommate I poasted it on here a few years ago.
I had graduated from college and my best buds were scattered all over, and I missed them a lot. I guess, reading over it now, I guess I loved them (no homo).
Anyway, this is the little poem, which some of you have seen before:
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:30 PM Author: Curious fat ankles locus To be fair,
lol fag |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:30 PM Author: lavender double fault location (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240928) |
Date: September 27th, 2022 7:27 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240906) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:29 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship Potatoes spin around in the ground? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240912) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:29 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate It’s magic
actually the line fits though. Read it again. There’s gonna be rotation. Turning. But not spinning. I didn’t say spinning.
I was smart. Labored on it. |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:33 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship The spinning tuber seems to me to present a pretty severe tonal problem. It just seems silly, like it's a line about boner police's dead ancestors being upset at him dating someone like GJR. (The potatoes were spinning in their graves!)
And the "rate and berate", etc. smacks of faggy Ginsburg/Walt Whitman-inflected junk.
Not my cup of tea.
But, yaknow, poetry is hard. |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:34 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate Read it again. In the context of a developing root or tuber which will indeed turn and unwind albeit very slowly as it grows. I didn’t use the word spin either which suggests speed. I said turn right before earth. Ur sound. And then tuber after that. See above poast from me as well. Writers of poems are terrible explainers but I am asking you to see the movement which is otherwise undetectable.
who the fuck knows. But at least get the words right before you say a line is silly. |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:38 PM Author: talented point No you plant potatoes a certain oriemtation so the plant goes upward when it germinates lol i just harvested 2 burlap sacks of them this weekend you're done here (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240983) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:39 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship Yeah, I don't think he knows the mechanics of potatoes. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240990) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:43 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate The funny thing is neither of us are wrong. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241018) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:45 PM Author: lavender double fault location “Neither of us IS” Learn to speak English, genius. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241028) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:47 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate I’m not a words guy (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241041) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:41 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate It goes upward but there is also rotation albeit slowly. The roots expanding force a slow rotation and also the growing mass against the soil effects a displacement.
This is seriously what I considered at the time.
But a poem is nonsense anyway and you may be right who the fuck knows. I think I’m right because of the nature of the stuff I know but who knows. |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:41 PM Author: Alcoholic library "But a poem is nonsense anyway" uh |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:56 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship I accept that you've described your thought process, but a poet must find the objective correlative. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241081) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:58 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate Yeah never quite got that. The one and the other go back and forth interacting with each other during the course of the construction of the poem in my humble opinion. But yes Keats was a god. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241094) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:39 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship You speak of a "stone" that is like a "tuber" that "turns in the earth". The image is of a potato revolving about like a breakdancer, or as if it were riding an invisible lazy Susan. You can "turn" soil to bring something buried to the surface, but then it's the _soil_ getting turned. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240986) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:43 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate See my other poasts.
It was important that the rotation of the stone go slowly. Like how plants grow but slower than we can see |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:36 PM Author: tantric shrine preventive strike potatoes spinning in their graves tp (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240968) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:29 PM Author: bespoke electric pozpig I prefer the 14 words (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240917) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:30 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate Less gay I guess. But not by much. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240923) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:36 PM Author: bespoke electric pozpig Have you ever seen Adam’s cock? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240972) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:37 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate We were fraternity brothers so you tell me (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240975) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:40 PM Author: bespoke electric pozpig I don’t know, I didn’t go to college. Does it mean you sucked his cock? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240997) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:41 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate It does not mean that. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241007) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:42 PM Author: bespoke electric pozpig So you saw it but you didn’t suck it? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241009) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:37 PM Author: talented point Really uniquely gay and terrible IMO thanks OP (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45240976) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:44 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate Just glad you read it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241023) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:48 PM Author: Laughsome Scarlet Reading Party Multi-billionaire Really bad. Were you thinking about his Idaho tuber? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241042) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:50 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate Lol I dunno man. Don’t think so but it definitely suggests that doesn’t it. Probably envy in there also. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241056) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:59 PM Author: Laughsome Scarlet Reading Party Multi-billionaire Wow my guy. My dude, wow. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241099) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:55 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship I wrote a silly poem about potatoes dancing. Please enjoy:
With eyes that see the whole world, they spin Potatoes. Their speed a melody unto itself. They are the hidden dancers, those submerged Esculent ones that keep the world alive. They are night's shade, revolving like the moon, Till daybreak when they're forced to face the sun. These are the spuds and tubers, humble and low root vegetables that we overlook. Before they're boiled, or roasted, or mashed-- They gyre and revolve in their own underground ball. And yet we never spy them dance, these spuds-- though they free us from famine with such love. |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:57 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate Clearly an interesting first draft and you are having fun. It’s a tiny bit better than your last one too. See! It’s a fun hobby. |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 7:58 PM Author: Alcoholic library i see what u did there with "eyes", inter alia. nice. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241092) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 8:00 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship TY. even worked in mash[ed potatoes]/dance & a reference to that book on potatoes I read, "Propitious Esculent". But forgot to include reference to The Potato Diet. Oh, well. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241103) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 8:00 PM Author: Alcoholic library i was wondering if you had to crack a thesaurus for esculent lol (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241108) |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 8:01 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship nah, just read an encomium to the potato. As one does. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Propitious_Esculent |
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Date: September 27th, 2022 8:02 PM Author: Alcoholic library 180 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45241118) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 2:42 PM Author: yellow quadroon Don't get me wrong it's good, but I wonder if there is some way to lace the potato imagery with homosexual longing? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245574) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 2:48 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship Good point. I'm stuck on a call but I'll think on it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245616) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:23 PM Author: aggressive unholy foreskin (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245821) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:27 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship Tweaked it a bit to up the homo/longing subtext:
With eyes that see the whole world, they spin Potatoes. Their speed a melody unto itself. They are closeted dancers, those submerged Esculent ones that keep the world alive. They are night's shade, revolving like the moon, Till daybreak when they're forced to face the sun. These are the spuds and tubers, girthy and full root vegetables I can't overlook. Before they're boiled, or roasted, or mashed-- They gyre and revolve around their underground balls. And women never spy them dance, these spuds-- though they free us from famine with such love.
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:31 PM Author: yellow quadroon ty (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245873) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:31 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate that doesnt work.
The problem, as you can probably see, is youve got one basic image--turning potatoes--and you cant throw in things like doors and closets into the picture or we get a mishmash.
I would maybe play with something about the indiscriminancy of their reproductive process, or how their reproduction does not require an opposite ... |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:33 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship It's a very personal poem about a topic that means a lot to me: an underground gay disco filled with dancing potatoes. I wouldn't expect you to get it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245885) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:40 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate well there are ways to make it more like that. but youve dug yourself a hole with the tone so far that wont really get you there.
i kind of like the idea of talking about potatoes as gay dudes in a disco. youd have to come at it from an entirely different angle though to start. I wouldnt know where to begin on something like that. probably how they lay low during the day and then ... |
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Date: January 10th, 2023 12:03 PM Author: yellow quadroon (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45768831) |
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Date: November 10th, 2022 7:25 AM Author: fluffy cruise ship (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45470730) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 1:29 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245048) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 2:39 PM Author: tantric shrine preventive strike You don't have to neg-bump him, bro (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245553) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 2:40 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship I want people to read my potato poem. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245559) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 2:46 PM Author: Razzmatazz Canary Queen Of The Night Keepsake Machete (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245603) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 2:47 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship Interesting. Best I can do is try to control quality. IMO it is a drafting tool, not a replacement for sense. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245609) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 2:46 PM Author: Alcoholic library I still don't get why out of all that chapbook he picked that one. So yeah, you're basically teabagging him in halo 1 multi-player at this point. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245605) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 2:47 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship Potatobagging. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245612) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 2:49 PM Author: Alcoholic library (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245625) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:13 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate Actually that wasn't in the chapbook. I figured folks here had seen the chapbook so I wanted to put one up from a different perspective. A very early poem, as I said.
As to Adolf's effort, as I said it's a good first draft of something. He will need to figure out exactly what he is trying to do with it, as it is pretty inchoate. He will need to work on the rhythm of the lines and make some more interesting efforts in terms of sound parallelism. Some of the line breaks don't make a lot of sense. Ultimately he would need to ask himself what he is trying to write about? Just something silly or trivial -- if a flight of imagination we need more flight -- if nothing else why not? There's no self examination in the work--it is effectively still surface level. Those are initial criticisms. I will take a look and poast more. |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:14 PM Author: lavender double fault location yes, please post more. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245750) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:14 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245753) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:34 PM Author: tantric shrine preventive strike (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245890) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:15 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship ty
plz analyze these too http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5196456&forum_id=2#45225539
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:29 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate okay very interesting. what is GP3? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245851) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:30 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship https://openai.com/api/ (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245861) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:24 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate With eyes that see the whole world, they spin
DONT OPEN W EYES PUN, SAVE THAT FOR FURTHER -- THE LINE BREAK AND POTATOES PART DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
Potatoes. Their speed a melody unto itself.
tHIS LINE IS TOO OVERTLY "POETICAL"--ARE WE TALKING ABOUT "SPINNING" OR SINGING? aND HOW CAN SPEED BE A MELODY. IF ITS VARIABLE? dOES IT MAKE A NOISE?
They are the hidden dancers, those submerged
Esculent ones that keep the world alive.
GOOD.
They are night's shade, revolving like the moon,
Till daybreak when they're forced to face the sun.
I LIKE THE NIGHTS SHADE BUT IT DOESNT WORK AS YOUVE USED IT. NIGHT SHADE THE MUSHROOM -- BUT HOW ARE THE NIGHTS SHADE IF THEY ARE UNDERGROUND WHERE THE MOONLIGHT CANT REACH THEM
AND WHY ARE THEY FORCED TO FACE ANYTHING. THEY ARE UNDERGROUND, NO? REVOLVING LIKE THE MOON--HOW SO?
These are the spuds and tubers, humble and low
OKAY BUT WHY DO YOU HAVE THE AND? ARE WE NOW TALKING ABOUT OTHER TUBERS BESIDES POTATOES AS WELL? ALSO the function of this line makes it RIPE for assonance which you should exploit more. ITS A FUNCTIONAL ANNOUNCEMENT TYPE OF LINE SO YOU HAVE TO FORCE THE INTENSITY OF THE WORDS SELECTED. AND ONE EASY WAY TO DO THAT IS THROUGH SOUND.
root vegetables that we overlook.
APPARENTLY YES? YOUVE ARGUABLY MOVED AWAY FROM TALKING ABOUT POTATOES TO ALL "ROOT VEGETABLES" AND THE "WE" --LECTURING ALL OF US MIGHT OR MGIHT NOT WORK--NOT SURE IT DOES HERE
Before they're boiled, or roasted, or mashed--
They gyre and revolve in their own underground ball.
I READ BALL AS HALL HERE. SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. BALL HAS DIFFERENT CONNOTATIONS -- red bouncy ball -- potatoes arent round like that--AND UNDERGROUND HALL IS SORT OF MORE MAGIC GNOME LIKE MAYBE
And yet we never spy them dance, these spuds--
DONT SAY SPUD AGAIN. FIND ANOTHER NEW FUNNY WORD. AND IS THE LINE REALLY NECESSARY? I DONT THINK DANCE I THINK GIMBLE OR THRUM. "Gimble" is better as it couples with gyre above and that of course is jabberwocky which is a signal that you are trying something whimsical. I DONT THINK WE NEED AND YET WE NEVER SPY THEM DANCE AT ALL TO BE HONEST.
though they free us from famine with such love.
AGAIN, TOO OVERT. I THINK YOU WOULD BE BETTER SERVED WITH A DOUBLE KENNING TO END--AND I GET TIRED OF THE WE/US PERPSECTIVE --
AS I SAID, A GOOD EFFORT. VERY VERY RESPECTABLE FOR A FEW MINUTES WORK. |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:29 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship Thanks. Re: "night's shade," I'll note potatoes are a member of the nightshade family. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245848) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:33 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate Great! well then you have to use it! but make better use. Use it as a pun maybe. There's no shade of night, or night shades kin? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245882) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:36 PM Author: tantric shrine preventive strike I'm lol'ing imagining SP screaming this all-caps crit at his computer screen (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245902) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:37 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship It's not so different from partner redlines I've seen. Brief is about an anti-tying arrangement and you get comments like:
NIGHT SHADE THE MUSHROOM -- BUT HOW ARE THE NIGHTS SHADE IF THEY ARE UNDERGROUND WHERE THE MOONLIGHT CANT REACH THEM |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:43 PM Author: tantric shrine preventive strike I know our formatting options are limited on XO, but it's the mental image that sprang to mind (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245953) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:41 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate i figured the obnoxiousness of the critique (no one really likes critiques even though they can massively help) matched the abnoxiousness of all caps. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245938) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:47 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate when you feel a line "just works," the sound is part of what puts it together.
For example:
They are the hidden dancers, those submerged
Esculent ones that keep the world alive.
There's a classic set of meter that is working there in those two to add extra power to the line.
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:20 PM Author: tantric shrine preventive strike (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245808) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 2:45 PM Author: lavender double fault location why not? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245597) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:30 PM Author: aggressive unholy foreskin hats off to ya bro. I have no idea whether it is a good poem or not-- not my bag. Seems pretty interesting with potatoes and not staying put and stuff. However, I would be interested to know how it was received. I think I am a pretty sensitive dude-- a fag, if you will-- and I would think it a little weird if one of my friends sent me this. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245866) |
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Date: January 10th, 2023 12:05 PM Author: yellow quadroon (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45768843) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 3:37 PM Author: slap-happy rehab Didn't the board find a collection of your poems at some point? I think that was when they first realized you did the MFA (or whatever the degree is called) (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45245913) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 8:45 PM Author: vibrant laser beams telephone Some say that man was made out of clay, Created by God in one day. But I know better, He’s just a big ‘tater, Or the apple of earth if you’re gay.
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Date: September 28th, 2022 9:52 PM Author: Opaque temple roommate Nailed it (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45247794) |
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Date: September 28th, 2022 10:02 PM Author: lavender double fault location *awards you xo’s highest honor, the Pomme de Terre* (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45247843) |
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Date: September 29th, 2022 7:31 AM Author: fluffy cruise ship (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45249334) |
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Date: September 29th, 2022 7:36 AM Author: iridescent excitant kitty cat doctorate Was the "Raincoat" poem yours, or just just 180 XO parody? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45249345) |
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Date: November 17th, 2022 3:19 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship CQ (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45507965) |
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Date: November 17th, 2022 3:19 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45507961) |
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Date: November 29th, 2022 4:27 PM Author: fluffy cruise ship Are you done with your most recent paranoid delusion break, sp? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45560028) |
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Date: November 29th, 2022 4:54 PM Author: violent address halford Im working on an opening statement now man (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5200370&forum_id=2#45560147) |