The Nintendo Condition (or: The State of the Fandom)

Criticism

This would be funny if it weren't sad. The Absolute State is grim imo.

The thing about nintendo fans is they’re literally forged in failure like every single era was a humiliation ritual and instead of breaking them it just made them weirder and stronger like n64 had no games at all you had mario 64 and goldeneye and like four others and they acted like that was enough like they convinced themselves that the lack of games was actually a kind of purity like yeah man we don’t need games we just need vibes and four controllers for no reason and then gamecube came out and it was a lunchbox that got outsold by the freakin saturn in japan which is basically like getting dunked on by a ghost and they still smiled about it like they took the L and carved it into their hearts and said “this is who we are” and kept going like psychos

and then the wii happened and that was supposed to be the comeback but instead it was bowling and grandmas and people pretending to have fun at thanksgiving and it sold like a hundred million but nobody respected it and the true fans were like “no it’s fine it’s art” but deep down they knew they were living a lie and then the wii u came and that was just pure nothingness like you could walk into a best buy and not even know if it was a console or a tablet or a prank and no one cared and no one bought it and it was like the apocalypse for them and still they persisted like some sort of religious sect that keeps praying after their god stops answering

so by the time switch 1 came out they were absolutely feral like they were ready to buy anything like they were so spiritually conditioned by years of owning consoles with no games that when nintendo finally gave them something—even if it was just mario kart again—they went berserk like yes take my money yes sell me the same game again yes call it deluxe yes charge seventy dollars for it i deserve this and now they’re everywhere acting like they won the generation because their console actually turned on and sold copies and meanwhile they’re still playing the same zelda and the same pokemon and the same everything pretending it’s a miracle when it’s just the same recycled product loop forever

and like the pokemon adults oh my god they are something else they’re sitting there bragging about catching shiny rats on their switch while the textures are melting and the frame rate’s three frames per second and they’re like “best gen yet” like what’s wrong with you it’s the same game since 1998 and somehow worse every time and you’re still there like a dog eating its own vomit smiling and clapping and saying thank you nintendo please ruin me again

it’s insane because it’s not even fandom anymore it’s like a trauma bond between man and corporation forged in decades of humiliation like they need nintendo to disappoint them or they don’t know who they are anymore and that’s the scariest part like they don’t want change they want to suffer they want the drought they want the silence they want to feel that ache of loyalty because the emptiness has become their home and they’ll never leave it because it’s all they have left.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5793553&forum_id=2Firm#49402153)

Literally LOL’d

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5793553&forum_id=2Firm#49402329)