Emma Witman Jun 23, 2019, 6:37 AM

emma witman

The author, Emma Witman, said there are certain drinks bartenders will judge customers for ordering. Emma Witman

There are certain drinks bartenders like me will secretly judge you for ordering.

We'll happily make you a mixed drink with top-shelf liquor, for example, but we'll be rolling our eyes on the inside.

Here are 16 things you should think twice about before ordering at a bar.

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With bars and restaurants beginning to open their indoor and outdoor dining, plenty of people want to celebrate with a cocktail. Maybe you want to try something new, impress your friend, or just appear cool in front of me, your bartender.

And why not? Bartenders are hip. We stand in front of people and do things most people probably can't do.

So it's no surprise that folks sometimes try to impress us — or at least not disappoint us — when it's their big moment in front of us: ordering a drink.

No matter what kind of drink you order, we'll happily make it with a smile. But that said, there are some types of drinks we'll secretly judge you for requesting.

Here are 16 orders that bartenders are sure to secretly judge you for.

You order a filthy martini with a top-shelf spirit

martini

A martini with three olives. Getty Images

With a few exceptions, such as when the cocktail is super spirit-forward, house cocktails are always made with the bottom shelf — or "well" — spirits. Because why waste a perfectly good top-shelf spirit?

If I gave you a blind tasting of two filthy martinis, one with Grey Goose and one with the well vodka, I highly doubt you'd be able to tell which was which. At least not in a meaningful way.

Some bartenders go so far as to judge any and all dirty-martini orders — especially when a blue-cheese-stuffed olive is requested.

Personally, I'm unbothered. That is, until, you besmirch a perfectly good top-shelf gin or vodka that can stand on its own.

Actually, requesting an uppermost echelon spirit in any mixed drink is kind of silly

Old Fashion

Two Old Fashions. Getty Images

The same principle applies to any mixed drink. Even if it's a more refined cocktail, like an Old Fashioned.

I'll do it. But it will hurt me inside to add even a dash of bitters and a bar spoon of sweetener to the $25 Nikka Coffey Whiskey Old Fashioned you just ordered.

We judge when your entire group orders the same drink

dining outdoors

Try ordering something different. ALEX EDELMAN/AFP via Getty Images

Don't be square. Live a little. Just because you haven't been out in a while doesn't mean you need to play it safe with your drink order.

You ask for your martini shaken

james bond

James Bond. United Artists

Please. Unless it's a Vesper, calm down, James Bond.

Hint: There's a reason martinis are stirred. And it has nothing to do with how manly you are, and everything to do with the type of ingredients involved.

Our decision to stir instead of shake is pretty cemented, and it's based on how the ingredients dilute, interact, and ultimately appear in the glass.

You order a Long Island Iced Tea when you're somewhere that appears nice

bar

If you are stopping by a bar that looks nice, stay away from ordering an Irish Trash Can. Yui Mok/PA Images via Getty Images

Assess your environment. Look around.

Say, for example, there aren't peanut shells on the floor, the lighting is decent, and your bartender is wearing a tie, vest, or blouse: Don't order a Long Island Iced Tea. Or a Blue Motorcycle, an Irish Trash Can, or a Slippery Nipple.

These are cocktails designed basically to get you as drunk as possible as quickly as possible. And they taste … unremarkable.

Let a bartender at a refined joint get you drunk in at least a memorably tasty way.

But by all means, when you find yourself at a dive, go ahead and revel in the blasphemy of combining multiple spirits in one glass.

And when you're at a dive bar, you order something obnoxiously high end

dive bar

Stick with a classic well drink. ALEX EDELMAN/AFP via Getty Images

Don't ask the bartender what smoked salts the bar has available for a bespoke margarita when you're at a dive bar.

On second thought, never ask us about our smoked salts (yes, people actually request this). It's an inquiry that somehow manages to make you sound both silly and pretentious.

You order a rum and Diet Coke

diet coke

The Diet Coke won't make a difference. Anna Webber/Shutterstock

You're drinking cane-based booze. You might as well pile it on.

You order your drink in 'fingers'

bartender pouring alchohol

This is a red flag. Getty Images

It's a joke among our crowd that the under-21s order in "fingers" to try to seem more sophisticated — and less underage.

That's when customers use the width of their fingers to indicate how much liquor they want.

Basically, if you order your drink like this, I will ask to see your ID. Seriously.

You order a complex drink whose substitutions make it a basic drink

Complicated drinks bartender

Don't be ashamed to just order a classic vodka soda. Getty Images

When people try to mask their more basic, but desired, drink choice with substitutions, it's their insecurity that I judge, not their desire to have a vodka soda.

So please. Just ask for a vodka soda. Don't ask for a gimlet, sub-gin-for-vodka, sub-lime-and-sweetener-for-soda.

You arbitrarily add egg white to your drink

Egg in drink bartender

Understand when to ask for an egg white, and when to steer clear. Getty Images

Whiskey sour. Amaretto sour. Ramos gin fizz. These are the drinks it is appropriate to request egg white with, if it's not already assumed.

A gin and tonic is not.

You ask me to make 'whatever you want'

bartender

At least tell us what spirits you prefer. ANDREAS SOLARO/AFP via Getty Images

Bartenders hate this. Don't do it. Be decisive.

Or at least be decisive when I ask a follow-up question.

"Refreshing or spirit-forward?" "Up or on the rocks?" "Bitter or smoky?"

When people insist on sticking with the "whatever you want" script when pressed to answer questions to find a perfect drink, you're hurting me when you should be helping me help you.

Also, here's a trade secret from me to you: We have a favorite drink to make. It's called a neat pour of anything.

You order a well-known brand, but dismiss my suggestions for a better, lesser-known one

Johnnie Walker bottles

Try taking the bartender's advice. Craig Barritt/Getty Images for Johnny Walker

Part of our job is to know what's well-marketed versus what's good.

So I'll always throw side-eye to someone who dismisses a suggested spirit that would have probably both saved them money and enhanced their drink.

You order ice in your wine

wine

While chilled wine is great, ice is not. JOSEP LAGO/AFP via Getty Images

I say this as a person who does this occasionally. But only on $3-wine night. And with a healthy dose of shame.

You order 'Tito's with vodka'

titos

It's a silly mistake that happens sometimes. Robin Marchant/Getty Images for Ark Endeavors

It never fails to amuse me when this happens. And for some reason, this slip of the tongue only happens with Tito's.

You request an obscure garnish

Texas Roadhouse Sangria margarita

Requesting more cherries will cost you. Irene Jiang / Business Insider

Some people have weird neuroses about drink garnishes, while others treat the bartender like a Subway-sandwich artist at the garnish station.

I fondly recall when a guest asked for "a single blueberry" in his drink, which for some reason, we had on hand.

Another common eye-roll is asking for multiple Luxardo cherries. Fun fact: Those babies cost $0.33 a pop.

You request a menu drink, but ask to substitute vodka

bartender

Try to keep our menu drinks as-is. JAIME REINA/AFP via Getty Images

Don't do this. Don't make me explain the vast taste difference between scotch and vodka and why that substitution won't fly.

Then again, it's fine. You do you. Live your best life. Order whatever you want.

Just know, we are judging you.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4820581&forum_id=2#42356270)

you think $65k cash in tampa is worse than $140k in MFH?

lmao

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4820581&forum_id=2#42357087)

lmao

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4820581&forum_id=2#42357306)

diet coke

The Diet Coke won't make a difference. Anna Webber/Shutterstock

You're drinking cane-based booze. You might as well pile it on."

ljl @ this logic, so because you're having some calories you might as well have more? About a third of the calories in a rum and coke come from the coke, there's worse ways to cut calories if you're looking to moderate your consumption. And I don't know where this bitch has been, but the last thing Americans need is more people encouraging them to be fat.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4820581&forum_id=2#42356322)

LJL @ stem

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4820581&forum_id=2#42356692)

You could just hook up a coke machine to the liquor supply. It’s literally the most automatable job. I would go out drinking every night if I didn’t have to deal with fucktard bartenders.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4820581&forum_id=2#42357326)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4820581&forum_id=2#42356746)

It's a silly mistake that happens sometimes."

This is stupid to include. Probably happened to her once if at all.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4820581&forum_id=2#42356769)

America is third world.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4820581&forum_id=2#42356774)

diet coke

The Diet Coke won't make a difference. Anna Webber/Shutterstock

You're drinking cane-based booze. You might as well pile it on. "

Rum has -0- sugar you cunt.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4820581&forum_id=2#42357451)

That’s the point. So a Rum and Diet has 99% CFA. Rum and Coke is more like 50%, which is bad.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4820581&forum_id=2#42357654)

So I'll always throw side-eye to someone who dismisses a suggested spirit that would have probably both saved them money and enhanced their drink."

i'm sure they're totally just trying to find you the best price/quality value and definitely not trying to upsell you some overpriced shit that no one likes and the manager wants to move out.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4820581&forum_id=2#42357747)