prince, just put down the math textbooks and stop smoking meth
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Poast new message in this thread
Date: May 2nd, 2021 6:49 PM Author: autistic son of senegal scourge upon the earth
so, what is the thing to do then?
ya, i mean, im realizing this is nuts. but i have no reason to be or do anything anyways, why not dick around instead? maybe there will be cosmic/divine judgement, but fuck, what's with making me literally autistic, and then putting me in a situation where i was doing meth... good one, cosmos/mind/god/whatever. only thing as well though, is that this is maybe more of a case that the "i" is way smaller than what i think it is, and i am guiding this ship into a big crash, but i am just a part called "motion control, memory, thought, observation, awareness", while there are many much more mysterious and higher parts, who were not given the keys but i was, because it was deemed better that way, but i will be very sorry once it hits. for one, the bigger loss or whatever will be the rest of the apparatus, or the what i consider to be me, and i will experience a big punishment for the bad stewardship of the precious cargo, all while not realizing i was just given the keys to the ship to steer it right, not to think i am the ship itself and then go retarded as well and just go in circles before crashing it all into the cliffs like a maniac. there will be punishment.
but still, autistic?? really!!? ok, maybe its more of the little i not getting the bigger picture, it could be some such situation, i dunno. maybe i need to just chill out.
and btw, you ever wonder who does the dreaming for you? its not NOT you, but fuck, no way it is the you that moves your body and has thoughts and decides on things, thats the executive you, the one that has the keys to the ship and is supposed to steer it right. but the dreams are so personal, you feel it's definitely YOUR dreams, nevertheless...its a clue i feel to how intimately important the other parts of what is carried along in the cargo or wherever else it dwells in this ship of yours. it is doing the dreaming, not i, or you. that kinda makes me think im super fucking up hard right now, but hey, they gave the keys to the WRONG FUCKING PERSON, sorry!!
and on that related subject of who is what and who, you ever create yellow? or any color? i am not talking the frequencies that carry the signals to make the color, i am talking the visual experience of yellow or red that gets transposed or activated by these. i sure as fuck did not have anything to do with making any colors, or setting it all up. but something did. i did, but not the little i, the bigger one, the one whose ship i got let to steer. i feel that when the time comes, the thing or whatever that makes the colors will gonna spank me real hard for what i am doing now. i do not make colors, and i would never know how. but, once you give me the stuff to work with, and the keys, shit son, i am king and only lord here. i am the thing that is, the rest is the reaction of chemical processes that have been set up for my benefit, the thing that moves the mouth, thinks to itself, makes noises, and then finally decides when, and if, to sleep, and for how long. once the machinery is in place, i roll on the scene, and i am the everything that ever was or ever will be, lord of all! sometimes i wondered though, i remember, but who freaking made me and brought me into all this? because after all, as mighty lord and king that i am, i do not remember being able to summon myself at will into existence.
i am too fucking high. i apologize.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4824763&forum_id=2#42388680) |
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Date: September 18th, 2021 10:28 PM Author: autistic son of senegal scourge upon the earth
well, looks like i got my judgement. i am now hearing voices in my head all day long that criticize every little thing i do, feel, or think of. i cannot even masturbate any more, because they are criticizing my porno or making fun of me, or just make me feel guilty because it is supposedly a depraved activity. i just hear constant negativity and admonition in my new schizophrenic head now. all the freaking time. i am on antipsychotics, so the volume has gone down, and its not as intrusive, but when this shit hit the fan i went to the general hospital psychiatric unit and checked myself in, and they only let me out when the antipsychotics started stabilizing me a bit. even then, i had to tell them i did not hear voices, although i still did, but i wanted to get the fuck out of there, it was a living nightmare.
so either my mind is playing hardcore tricks on me, like turning the noise level down just in time to be checked out because i hated it there and wanted to leave, etc, or the universe really did punish me, hard. either way, it seems to be the same result. how odd of a situation, wouldn't you agree?
ill be forever in a loop now wracking my brain which case is the real scenario. doesn't help that i think magically and shit ever since i did dmt, so in my mind the god/cosmos/universe scenario is a real possibility.
and either way, im pretty sorry now i posted stuff like this and thought it, because it looks like possibly my mind went along with that scenario and created it for me. on meth all kinds of kooky shit is possible. meth of course is to blame for all this. normally the mind isn't so plastic, but on lots of meth, god knows what can happen. there is such a thing as a meth psychosis, and they can last for years. some never go away. im kind of at a loss for words that this truly took place.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4824763&forum_id=2#43139145) |
Date: September 18th, 2021 10:36 PM Author: autistic son of senegal scourge upon the earth
oh and btw, i didnt get that far in math. i ended up just scrolling through hundreds of math textbooks, looking for just the right one, and then i eventually was doing it all day long, like in a trance or something. probably contributed to my psychosis where i now hear voices in my head -- and they hate it when i scroll even a little bit just to see where the chapter ends or even a few pages. im sure it's not unrelated.
i did end up reading a geometry textbook, but only reading. now im doing it over again and doing the exercises, im on chapter 3 out of 12 now. doing the exercises is a bunch of fun, im having a blast.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4824763&forum_id=2#43139189) |
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Date: September 19th, 2021 4:23 PM Author: autistic son of senegal scourge upon the earth
im not really getting all that good. slightly better, i would say. i can do high school math and i understand it now, as opposed to being scared of it or hating it, or being indifferent, like before. but university level math, even lower division, i am out of my depth there. i have a hard time with challenging high school math problems, let's just say. im no genius.
but it was fun to think i was maybe a latent genius and the meth let it out. probably contributed to the psychosis, all this meth delusion did me in.
though im fine with not being a math genius, or any kind of genius. the high school math is entertaining enough, why pretend to be a genius trying to read abstract algebra and skipping all the math leading up to it? rather do high school geometry and actually be able to do the exercises.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4824763&forum_id=2#43141947) |
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Date: October 28th, 2021 8:41 AM Author: autistic son of senegal scourge upon the earth
i gave la geometrie a chance. not really my thing. it's no principia or elements, let's just say. i do enjoy his meditations and principles of philosophy, of course, but la geometrie was a whole other thing. not a great work, in my opinion. too idiosyncratic. it wasn't really an exposition on analytical geometry, it was a bunch of complicated and convoluted geometry, with possibly a section somewhere where the coordinate geometrical method gets introduced for the very first time -- a mere historical curiosity, not a work of great importance for generations.
elements, principia - way different. they were written as if the authors knew it would be a landmark work, not just in mathematics, but in human culture, standing shoulder to shoulder with works of Shakespeare, or the great pyramids
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4824763&forum_id=2#43343084)
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