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well, u guys gonna love this you bastards, prince here, back from psych ward
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Date: July 30th, 2021 3:49 AM Author: territorial dysfunction self admitted, hearing voices, suicidal.
on antipsychotics, though i used already today the fucking meth.
i dunno, im kinda proud of what i wrote here, and surely and unmistakably so, it was what put me in hell itself (of my mind, but at that point, what's the difference - nobody has come back from "true" hell to tell us all about its splendors). here is what im so *still*, and i stand by that, proud of:
"either way... this is all either some illusion or untold horror with no bottom.... just how the bleep did you two end up involved in a war against modernity? im so much less than these words... i know i know... yes, we are all special and equal... no dice... but maybe, thats just another illusion... i dunno... i was going to say tell that to the insects and the cave dwelling rats, the ocean bottom feeders, the slithering snakes who have no spine but are no slime, or the insect that is born in a maggot... but.... who am i to cast stones... i got these claws called hands... mouth to eat and chew other life... a form that can barely hold itself up, a head thats too heavy because the brain is so big... and shame at my own self like no animal has... i dunno, but i cast judgement on it all, sure why not.. even vegetation has those ugly roots, and how it looks in winter, without the leaves, is an image that says it all... bare, barren, reaching for life with hungry veins that creep out... veins are creepy; branches, or vessels inside, whats the difference? just blind thirst to live reaching anywhere to sustain or deliver or feed on or accept nourishment from something external to it... an admission of defeat and denial of it at any cost, no matter how ugly... any life form is beautiful? maybe its more like it is necessarily ugly because of the concessions it will make to drink up the cup to keep going... no crawl, or crunch, or creep, or cry is too much a price to pay for the right to live and swim in these waters on a place that is truly and utterly alone..."
the cry refers to the depth of human emotion, but sadness here being the one im referring to, the creep, the crawl, the crunch, is well, bones, crawling insects and other "low" life forms, and creep is rats i guess and anything that wants to hide from view. but was it worth dying for in hell?? NO!!!!!!!!!! i am into positivity now. but, for what its worth, still have pride of damning existence into hell itself. well, i dunno, im messed up a lot. BUT, i was also wrong. i do not know all things under the sun, beyond, above, or...wherever *this* is all happening -- life is a gift, to the one living it, i forgot the main thing.
but ya, true story, was there for a week or a bit more even, the meds helped so much, the world they are worth now. but, its still in my hands -- positivity, or pride of hell, and then hell itself. and, guys, from hell, there is no pride to help, there is NOTHING there, just doom, without hope or anything worth living for. imagine that, eh?
oh and, they can keep you there for up to six freaking months. holy shit.(yes, not on your first visit, but for dramatic effect, as in movies, what i said is true but fuck the little font after the asterisk, but point is, SIX FUCKING MONTHS, you get no say) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 3:52 AM Author: mahogany volcanic crater weed whacker u smoked meth today? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42867637) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 4:00 AM Author: territorial dysfunction yes!
wish i smoked less, fuck...
but i just needed it. i felt so tired, like sleepy tired, after reading two cocksucking pages of math. umm, that is no bueno, friend. not sure whats my forward thinking..
much less of it, taper off??? i did NOT require what i consumed, i needed one fiftieth of the amount i did today, to be honest.
greed, is a monster. it doesnt show its teeth right away, but they are bloody and sharp as any knife. |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 4:10 AM Author: mahogany volcanic crater weed whacker how are your teeth? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42867657) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 4:12 AM Author: territorial dysfunction fine. thank something. ya, these folks that dabble in this for 2+ years even are at risk of losing them thangs. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42867660) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 4:13 AM Author: mahogany volcanic crater weed whacker how long have u? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42867662) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 4:18 AM Author: territorial dysfunction a bit more than a year. maybe even inching towards 1.5 years. way too long. im fucked, i know it. it is hard pill to swallow, you know? like, it aint all over and done with, now is recovery time. but it is NOT hell, and i need to tell myself, or remind myself, of the difference each and every day.
oh and reading that back i get reminded of how sad i felt for people in this situation... heck, we are all in this situation. at least speaking for myself, i need to give more life to and feed the inner voice that loves it all. but above all, i wanted to say, we are all sad little creatures "in this situation", from the start. no need to feel bad for me, im still alive, breathing, and life's troubles are only so because life is truly precious without words to describe its worth, that is the inner voice that i forgot, and cast aside like dirty socks, just obviously something, or something intellectual. ya right, it was life itself! wtf was i thinking... the positivity, the love, the warmth, the bond, is life, not curiosity divorced of anything precious like those things, not knowledge for its own sake completely detached from those things, that is ultimately, and i say this with as much conviction as i can, a road to damnation, hell, doom, destruction of the soul, etc. etc. and if i could add one more thing to what life truly is, it is honesty -- that is where and why heaven and hell exist, and must exist. honesty... you know it when you feel it inside, and it is the breath of life, it is the veins, the eye that seeks the light, automatically, and some things are not so automatic, but deeply, deeply hidden, yet just as honest as breath...sight, well, that one i dont know how honest it is, but there are even more deeply woven lies and truths within them, and there honesty reigns king as it does in your breath -- that was my lesson. sorry, i dont know if this is cryptic or clear enough, i cant tell.
sure, hugging someone is 'nothing' compared to the aphorisms of the mighty intellects that discovered god is dead. where will they be when the hour of doom is too close!? if you or anyone thinks they can withstand doom without honor or love inside to meet it, they are wrong, it is the darkest and loneliest of pits, i believe, for all men and women (dunno what women think, or feel, but safe to say, this applies -- lucky for them they arent as 'adventuresome' or cocky as men regarding staring life in the face and asking, what dreams or treasures ye got for me, o mighty wind, i want to sail whatever frees my intellect of its bondages to this pitiful earth -- and now that is A BAD CHOICE, the worst... possibly, very possibly, in fact -- inner war lost to demonic side of conscience, the one that points and says oh no, no, no, you cannot be like this. and hey, iwas a guinea pig at least, i know most ppl dont go where i went, and this they know why) |
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Date: July 31st, 2021 12:52 AM Author: mahogany volcanic crater weed whacker post pic of meth and the words xoxo (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42873503) |
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Date: July 31st, 2021 4:17 AM Author: territorial dysfunction fuk u man, im in hell and u think this is performance? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42874004) |
Date: July 30th, 2021 3:50 AM Author: territorial dysfunction (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42867633) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 3:51 AM Author: Sienna hominid macaca you'll never own a firearm now (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42867634) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 3:52 AM Author: territorial dysfunction for real? shit, thats not right. i am upset quite a bit by that, truly. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42867636) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 4:18 AM Author: godawful pontificating university don't worry, you can still get a black powder musket. It'll do the trick well enough (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42867669) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 4:18 AM Author: territorial dysfunction i.. will look into that. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42867670) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 3:58 AM Author: territorial dysfunction so not to dwell on this, but if you ask me do you want to be Nietzsche or a happy normal person, a regular sheeple as is sometimes said, i would hesitate for a moment, i would, but it is normal happy person 100 times out of 100.
thats all i bring back from this episode. had to be in it to believe that im truly saying what im saying, but i was no match for hell, i need love and human beings and any and all good things, and avoiding the bad isnt dumb, its smart, because it will come one day here and there, dwelling on it nonstop is losing hope for no reason!
no mortal will ever know just what existence is, its value, or even its price. that is a road to hell to try to unearth these things. the bible itself, as infantile as it MAY seem at first, is many times stronger than any smartest pessimist philosopher -- maybe not THE answer, but a worthy contender for it, far outstripping those who tried to sink it. and maybe they did, because a thousand cuts, and the biggest fall down, dont they? |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 4:01 AM Author: Dun Reading Party should have killed yourslef you fuckign pedophile. really off yourself bro (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42867647) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 4:07 AM Author: territorial dysfunction well, true pedophiles should. i never put any of my flirtations with this evil on anyone, i never so much as stared at 12 year old girls like that. but i totally understand your sentiment, i would maybe put a person like me down for good for having this openness to that kind of vilest of thoughts, really true vilest.
i am no longer in that zone for me, but i understand why consciousness itself put me in hell ITSELF, partly im sure for this, if anything. yes, i get that. i deserve to fry for even being ok with "going there" in my mind, like hey, morality is just whatever, if there is puberty at 12, hey, sorry parents, your etc etc is etc etc.. bla bla, like reading this stuff i wrote, i halfway think i deserve to fry for this. i understand now the hatred coming my way. how did i NOT understand is THE question!? i know, its vilest of sins, eyeing childhood right as soon as there is some biological "permission" slip... jesus, christ, lord, what was i THINKING!!? dear god, plz forgive me. plz.
like, i would understand now if someone knocked my door down and beat me up pretty badly for all this inner life i had. and im talking with my jaw rearranged. fuck... what did i open... doors to hell.
and listen, whatever happens 'in nature' is nature's business. we are nature too, and our conscience tells us what is absolutely wrong, and this topic is RIGHT UP THERE, on the mount rushmore of evil. so yes, i deserved where i was, and yes, there is "hell", for it is simply certain doom without love inside, by any other name. maybe there is true hell, i dont know, but i was in the truest hell i have ever imagined, and now i know at least what one version of it is, and it is that what i said, it was fucking hell...voices of conscience, sounding like satan as the wind, depth of voice and command, and throwing back at you, with laughter, your thoughts, your deeds, and most importantly, your impending and colossally wasted life, doom at the end, only doom, without having loved, which the pang of that i cannot emphasize, that it is such hurt that is without measure, like the measure of life's worth. |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 6:06 AM Author: Plum whorehouse multi-billionaire reported to rbi (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42867835) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 6:07 AM Author: territorial dysfunction my brain already did report, to the up most high. judgement, still pending, but hell only given as a vision into what is, and what isn't. possibly the pit still awaits, possibly sooner than i ever could dream of in my darkest nightmares. so, like, boom, here we go -- nothing mightier than the everlasting, that mysterious present, aint that so? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42867836) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 4:40 AM Author: territorial dysfunction k, ill bump tomorrow and a few more times. done checking this for now...
and im done with this tale of myself on here. no more, umm, "dark philosophy", and incessant, bottomless questioning of all. this thread ends this side of me; on xo, and hope and god willing, in my life.
maybe ill give authoring a novel a try. not one to publish, merely one to write. hey, why not!? not to be sexist, but giving a 1300+ fantasy voyage new york times best seller a go at the psych ward, i have to say for whatever its worth in true depth of art and all that, it was a monumental task the like of which i stand in awe of, though surely it was, as they say, trash -- read, forgotten, and never thought of again. now dont mistake my words, i do mean i stand in awe of it, so much was given to it that it boggles the mind. now the difference between that historical-fantasy novel, and moby dick, is worth understanding. worth a lifetime of study.
courage, dedication, self-esteem, and that luminous something else (intent? true intent...) are the keys to such things as writing a novel. belief in oneself, but not pride, and not visions of fame and riches (relatively speaking, for writing stuff? come on!), as those things fall on some and not on others, and yet some get carried along with THE ODYSSEY through the generations that nobody said a kind word to at the time of the writer's life.
not aspiring to that level, but at least to something that deserves everything ive got to give it.
and the thing about it being art is how it is not a puzzle to solve, no correct way to do it. it is an empty canvas. but yes, there are rules and many, many restrictions and previous successes and examples that show good writing shares a commonality, always, very much the good writing itself. but, why not try? dare... from the inner true self, judged by those voices ultimately. and i truly believe, something, if married to true intent, that something up above will guide, for it will become one with life itself, where we know not how, but we walk.
but bottom line, im not a good writer. fucking reality, eh? but ill try, i will try to write a novel. it wont work out, that i know. fuck it, i will do it. i wont try, i will write a novel, give it my all -- though you know, ultimately, its the belief in inspiration and true intent that i will use as final crutches to stand on, there aint much more even in life itself, art must be as life. i know where i stand, hopefully intent and grounding it in life carry it to something im proud of.
oh ya, and big thing to remember, and this is now more of this tangent on the novel that wont be written, you HAVE to know the rules to break them, that is rule number one. no way around it. talk about taking a bullet, but if you keep your boundaries safe enough, can be overtaken.
it will be written though if i remind myself, not one to publish, merely one to write, then as sure as the sun rises tomorrow (so, sure enough), it will be written. it would have been nice to have had a head start, one where you dont come home with a C- on your english essay about heart of darkness from a teacher you most deeply respect, as your base, for someone who at a much too late a point in life --ok, specifically mid 20s if we are talking numbers here, realizes that they love written expression as art, this is a motherfuck. but, that love, it requires nourishment, it just wont leave. i dreamed once about reading the most exquisitely written prose. scratch that, the most sublime. scratch even that, the most beautiful. and that C- was deserved, it was not written by me, if you know what i mean. must let it go. once its truly done (the authoring of a novel) for oneself, no critique can hurt, only lack of understanding.
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Date: July 30th, 2021 5:02 AM Author: buff wagecucks pistol (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42867759) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 8:14 AM Author: Ruddy Domesticated Cuckold Den (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42868041) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 2:38 PM Author: territorial dysfunction oh btw, im never writing no novel. ive written one already, my post history. took zero effort as well. go figure! (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42870119) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 6:09 AM Author: Sienna hominid macaca you should look into mysticism. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42867841) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 6:12 AM Author: territorial dysfunction i will, i will, but without what i brought to such things. i promise i will check that out, maybe even download a book that promises to be a valuable entry point for that.
well ok, thats it for me tonight. i will bump and check tomorrow. |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 6:12 AM Author: boyish sepia keepsake machete SCYHB (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42867843) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 8:52 AM Author: territorial dysfunction (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42868150) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 8:56 AM Author: Milky Soul-stirring School I used to think prince ran massive performance art flame. Rethinking that after this thread. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42868168) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 10:35 AM Author: Cerebral vermilion station lol (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42868555) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 2:34 PM Author: territorial dysfunction expand plz. if i dont understand what you mean, im daft?
and no, im the worst person in the world, but the least able or powerful, and i post here sometimes. whats the fuss? performance art? nigga, you is talking to a real motherfuckin' g.
i fear how many of the few fans of my posting i got would be horrified and disgusted to know that, no, this isnt art, this is my true stuff that i post. if they are still fans, then so the worse, they contribute to my downfall as a person directly then. |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 9:07 AM Author: Wonderful Fiercely-loyal Headpube you need to stop the meth bro it's giving you delusions of grandeur (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42868204) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 9:11 AM Author: territorial dysfunction na, not now. im clear as day with all this. not meth, bro, believe me. maybe expression wise, sure, but overall, that i was in hell? i stand by it. that i understand death? i stand by it if it means only the part of it we fear our whole lives. the bigger mystery part? fuck dude, show me one person who does. that is entwined with life itself, and the creator -- and there is a creator, maybe it has no names, and cannot be given a name like every other thing we have named, but he is. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42868221) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 9:12 AM Author: Wonderful Fiercely-loyal Headpube you need to stop the meth for 1-2 weeks and re-read everything you've poasted. the meth is making you delusional. you think you have clarity and good insight, but you just come across as a retarded druggie (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42868224) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 9:14 AM Author: territorial dysfunction k, i will. bro, i will. i hope its not insanely embarrassing. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42868226) |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 9:10 AM Author: territorial dysfunction i only want to add one more thing, the only thing that pushed me, PUSHED, to positivity is feeling hell, the one that is probably as real as it gets, not the one where you literally burn alive -- but as metaphors go, thats spot on.
just cause you have never seen and never will see a person burning alive *on the inside*, dont think it doesnt happen, or that its not as bad as the words point towards. now, i dont know if there is worse, if there is a real hell, though i doubt there is real hell.
and no i dont truly know how far human suffering goes, but i will guess that i went to the pit of it. i dont mean to sound like i know that, but i cant imagine a lower place than, well, its either this, nonstop, or i take something and slit my throat, and meet that unreality that is given the name death, the one that waits patiently and diligently. neither is acceptable, and both equal. as they call that place, between a rock and a hard place. yes, that is hell indeed. that place, between two rocks, is the crushing of all things. it is only that place, sorry to say, that made me appreciate life. yes, i feel no shame in loving the little things, i dont care, because where i was, there isnt a single fucking thing worth a cent, nothing. the true nothing, the one called death. and no i didnt die or experience it, but your inner self knows it well already, just holding it on for utter release, to be adored in all its simplicity and hence true undeniable meaning, it could be nothing more than that. its not some abyss, or dark unending pit, its the end, for christ's sake. we all know it, but its not time to truly face it until that time comes, but guess where it bubbles out of, not from a trip from mars, surely...out of your own goddamn soul, where it always was, true understanding of...lol @ phrases like the abyss of nonexistence. it aint no freaking nothing but the end of life, meaning, if you made no peace with it, welcome to dying in hell, friend, where you are utterly on your own. no help. well, you know, that last part, you never know, something is ALWAYS up for grabs...something listens to the end, but it wont NOT be the struggle of your life, where you WONT be told it will turn ok, you WILL think that damnation is certain, in how ive tried to talk about it, and that final rescue WILL come at literally one second that is the last, maybe. you wanna go through that trip to salvation? hmmm....
like i said, maybe here or another place in this thread, i dont know WHAT death overall is, i only speak to the dread of the end of life, that i term death, and commonly that is what is understood by it, even divorced from its experience, which no i havent touched that, and many have and came back to tell a tale, and that is not the tale im talking about or to, and i apologyze if its horrific beyond what im yapping about here, but your impending doom is the last door of this corridor, so whatever the experience of dying is, that door is last. but, maybe its not quite like that, maybe i am speaking out of turn completely. im just talking to the fear of it all, fear of death, that is the hell that was for me made like a bed of the most sacred linen. i dont truly know what is death, i want to REITERATE THAT, but surely, life ends. why not dread that? unavoidable. but there is worse, there is doom without hope of love to guide to that door and through it, that hell is the hell im always talking about, and i have to sound like im cocksure of myself, sorry but i am on this, and only this part i delineated, or tried to. dread of doom, dread of end of life, which is as simple as it sounds, and incomprehensible utterly. |
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Date: July 30th, 2021 2:47 PM Author: territorial dysfunction well, you know what, fuck it, if i belong in hell, might as well go in on Nietzsche, except where is he even comprehensible? its not that he is not, its just all odd nonsense. the Kierkegaard guy's stuff that i was reading was way more poetic and sane, felt like something big there. Nietzsche is a clown with no head, hiding behind a puff of smoke. Dostoyevsky is the dude, he is a good guy concerned for our souls, probably his mostly, and so by application, ours. but only hitting the nail so many times because he was truly in fear of damnation of his soul, he wrote for himself starting with notes from the underground, clearly. and it hit veins, spine, heart, and whatever. this guy that wrote on the depths of despair, lol, what an amature cerin whatever, he is a emo fucking teenager before there was such a thing, but for an 18 year old, here and there, and i mean sparsely, he had amazingly genius short puffs of air. the rest, hot air. oh woe is me kind of stuff. no true honesty, an honest man does not despair if he still lives, he lies in his writing, insomniac word salad, but ya, once a while, boom, out of nowhere, words of a wise old oracle will hit like thunder and lightening. and he was 18, so maybe i should check out the rest of his career.
anyways, greetings and salutations from down below, from your favorite uncle, festering dick on a dark ring of insanity, my world. (...help!!!!!!!!!! i need help... im drowning in my own shit, like funkadelic sang on a song once, oh and no, free your mind and your ass will follow is bad advice, do NOT free nothing, let it be sturdy, dont loosen those bolts, for the love of all that is cherished by the heart)
((yes, the upper case names are because i dont know how to spell their freakin names, total giveaway, but im not pathetic enough to go and make each first letter little, well, not enough today, i feel loose! im playin the casino baby and i feel on the loose) |
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Date: July 31st, 2021 12:53 AM Author: razzle-dazzle lay have you started reading euclid's elements yet? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42873511) |
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Date: July 31st, 2021 4:20 AM Author: territorial dysfunction my plan is now thusly formulated:
algebra (gelfand)
plane and solid geometry (text from the 19th century)
trigonometry (gelfand)
analytic geometry (riddle)
higher course in mathematics, volume I (russian text)
elementary vector geometry
what u think??
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Date: July 31st, 2021 9:05 AM Author: Wonderful Fiercely-loyal Headpube maybe you should find a job instead (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4889217&forum_id=2#42874360) |