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Hard day guys (emo relationship effort poast)
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:00 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Brothers, what I'm about to say will sound extremely faggy and I apologize in advance, so just bear with me. This is a longread if you enjoy overly sentimental relationship history class, and if you just want to skip it and call me a huge fag, feel free.
I am hung up on a woman (now mid-30s) who I dated nearly 2 decades ago (!) in the second half of high school into the first half of college. I have not seen her since, but we have remained in contact sporadically all these years, and in the past few months we have begun talking frequently. Today, she is a rather middling age-adjusted 7 (6 overall) who's still mildly attractive but whose body has seen better days. She also seems to really be floating through life with no career, direction, marriage, relationship, kids, nor man (seems to consistently get dumped). I.E. her current value seems pretty low. I will stay though she's still pretty and not a complete shitshow (yet), and could probably be a 7 with some diet and looksmax. I am more attractive than her and have done better in life.
Back in ancient history, our relationship was tumultuous. She was somewhat unhinged, what you would think of as typically crazy, prone to irrational behavior. As time progressed I became attached to her to an unhealthy degree, she thought I was too clingy, and eventually broke it off. We would still talk all the time, and periodically get back together again before it all blew up. In this latter phase, I had little to no control over my emotions, and it's understandable why she would be pushed away by my behavior. I was certainly not fit to be in a relationship with someone I felt so obsessive towards. I maintain that had I been able to remain "chill" things probably would have settled down between us, yet, as a very young adult, I could not.
After our final breakup, we both began seeing other people. She had a string of Chad bfs who P&D'd her and left her high and dry. I came into my own in the second half of college and had a pretty good time banging Staceys with ease. All the while, though, I still thought about her all the time. I thought about her when I was with other women. Conversely, she scarcely thought about me in a romantic way again.
We still talked periodically although things had sort of petered out. I always felt like she was one text away from getting back with me, which, based on precedent, seemed highly likely. I had a method of winding her up and she would often start to get back in the mood of thinking about me. Even after the breakup we were still exchanging nudes and such. The problem was, I could not control my emotions. As soon as it seemed like she was back in the game, I would get over eager and blow it. Still, I moved forward with my life and had normal relationships with other women.
Then, an event happened that had a significant impact on me. I unwittingly stumbled upon evidence that she had had a relationship with one of my closest friends without my knowledge, shortly after our last official breakup. He turned out to be a super shitty person not worth mentioning and I cut him out of my life for good. This felt like an incredible betrayal by two people who were very close to me. According to her, they had an electric connection and were crazy about each other, and had wild sex. Their relationship did not last long but seemed to be a lot more significant to her than what she had with me. He went to great lengths to hide these events from me, although her recollection is that it was out and the open, despite never feeling compelled to mention it to me (we only talked occasionally then).
This whole episode gave me incredible feelings of worthlessness, despite objectively being quite popular and having demonstrable worth and access to female partners. It's abundantly clear that I didn't mean much to her, and she felt a much stronger connection to not only my friend but any number of guys she dated since. Although she did not cheat on me per se, and although we were no longer officially involved, and our conversations had further died down and were increasingly less romantic, I still felt betrayed, rationally or irrationally. In our recent conversations, she has described feeling "no loyalty" towards me during this time, but still found a way to weasel her way into my social circle when she had none of her own and start shit with her ex-boyfriend's friend. The closest she's come to an apology is describing her own behavior as "mean" but defends herself as having done nothing wrong as a respectable single woman looking for love. I can't tell if she's in the clear (technically, yes) or still a snake (no loyalty), but my emotions are far too clouded to arrive at an unbiased judgment. She has also displayed a total lack of empathy for my subjective experience of events, and says although she has experienced tremendous heartache later in life, she does not know how or why I would have cared so much about her.
All of this still weighs on me, and I wish it didn't. I understand and accept that this is my problem and no one else's. She's not responsible for the way I feel all this time down the line. I just want to figure myself out, heal, and move on, but it just feels like this piece of me is frozen in time. It felt like maybe we were starting to get back in the saddle with our recent talks, but I completely imploded when she began gravedancing about her exploits and all the Chads who'd had her through and through. I blew a gakset. Not gonna beat myself up for getting triggered by the most triggering person who has ever triggered me into becoming a massive chump. Sort of glad it happened now before I got even more invested. Relieved, in a way.
I know my feelings are irrational, but they still feel real. Talking to her sometimes puts me right back in that place in my young life when we hit our college years when she was out drinking and doing drugs with older guys and going buckwild and I felt like such a loser. The fact that this expansive rogue's gallery of down-and-out clowns stole her heart and I couldn't is probably the worst part. And at the same time, I was out there shacking up with Beckys and Staceys, and to some other guy, I was the loser P&Ding their one true love (more than a few betas still irate over my Chadly behavior). But that never, ever, ever made me feel any better about what had transpired between me and her. To this day, no amount of success with women, and no happiness I have achieved in life has even begun to fill this singular void. A part of me will always be the provincial, low value yokel that woman walked all over once she made it to the big time.
At any rate, I have no idea why I'm still so triggered, still so hung up, and desiring of her validation (she has given me none). It sucks because we're talking right now and she's a flyer for dating and marriage, and if I had any composure I still have a puncher's chance. And after all this time I still turn into a blubbering vagina when shit hits the fan and things get real, just like old times. The feelings of worthlessness, shame, and sexual jealousy are completely overwhelming. I don't know why I can't get over it. She's absolutely right that me still being hung up on this after almost 20 years is ridiculous, unhinged, and pathetic. Help a brother out. I know the common sense thing to do is grow up and move on, and most of the time I do. Yet some days are hard days and for a moment it all comes crashing down on me again. I don't want to live with these thoughts racing through my mind every once in a blue moon. But perhaps that is fate. |
Date: January 14th, 2022 10:05 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786390) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:11 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786410) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:13 PM Author: wonderful mental disorder “It sucks because we're still talking and she's still a flyer for dating and marriage, and if I had any composure I still have a puncher's chance“ lol nigga what is u doin u gotta cut the past loose and step into the now, dragging some aging insensitive self-centered harpy along for the ride or, worse yet, following her like a puppy dog, is no way to go thru life |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:17 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Cr, but I just got out of a relationship with a much younger, much more attractive and cheerful woman (things just didn't work out and I'm not sweating this one) and I hit her up as a retread. I otherwise have a normal life and did not spend years thinking about her.
Things were going fine until she started talking about wild sex positions with my close friend during a time when he was lying to my face about it and she wasn't saying anything. And I got extremely triggered.
I'm not sure whether to move on completely or quadruple down and pursue her with abandon, win her back, and ATD so I can get final closure and move on with my life without this hanging around my neck like a millstone.
Cr though overall and I have a weird hangup about stepping into the now because all my options seem so depressing, either Millennial shrews or Zoomer eGirls I don't relate to. My ex is trash as you say but I'm addicted to feeling something real. |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:22 PM Author: wonderful mental disorder don’t let bad luck—lying snake meets carefree skank—turn into bad decisions. you stepped on a rake hidden in the leaves thru no fault of your own, it happens. not a reason to make ur next move intentionally stomping it just bc it hit u the first time. let the rake stay where it is, keep walking everyone’s different but my own position has always been that once a woman’s in the past, that’s where she stays and if paths can be made to never intersect, then so much the better |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:27 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary You seem very wise, man. I guess I'm at a point where I've gotten to do a lot of things romantically and sexually that I wanted to do, and now I'm looking to settle down for the first time.
And she just feels like unfinished business. But you're probably right, let sleeping dogs lie. I don't know what I'd even do if I won. Probably get bored and lose interest. The bort would scoff at her mediocrity.
I didn't think much of her until she triggered me beyond oblivion. I know in a couple days this will blow over and I'll laugh at myself. Just haven't felt the dagger twisted inside my heart in a long time. A very long time. |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:38 PM Author: wonderful mental disorder eh. lot easier to seem savvy when you’re just a detached observer, i know it’s hell going thru this kind of thing. i held on too long once and it just made everything infinitely dumber and harder at the end than it would’ve been if id accepted it. no such thing as unfinished business if the business doesn’t actually have to be finished, that’s just wasted time and energy. i think u’d be better served putting your energy into finding a new beginning rather than trying to extend this final act for a prize that you yourself realize is subpar. don’t let your wounded pride push u into something that’s satisfying in the moment but not actually constructive |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:42 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Tcr.
I think starting something new is the right move. Just unenthused about the prospects of broken Millennial shrews and Zoomer girls I can't relate to. Ex was there and easy to talk to and I should have just gone for it win or lose but we talked for too long and then she triggered me and I look like a clown and it's basically over. |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:30 PM Author: Violent parlor international law enforcement agency (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786473) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:31 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Yes but only around this objectively mediocre woman and not seemingly around any others. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786479) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:34 PM Author: vigorous private investor (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786495) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:29 PM Author: Violent parlor international law enforcement agency (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786471) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:31 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Thank. I'm sure you've never had any heartache. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786477) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:34 PM Author: Violent parlor international law enforcement agency (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786490) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:38 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary I did not stand by like a puppy dog for a decade. I went out and had fruitful relationships with other women and forgot about her. She seemed completely unimportant a year ago.
Cr though I should go all out to seal the deal so I can move on with my life. Forgot about this unfinished business but now's a good time for a final chapter. I respect your all or nothing aggro method. I would do well to adopt it. You're making me feel better with this poast because ultimately this has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me feeling sorry for myself. |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:32 PM Author: grizzly toilet seat READ or re-read Swann’s Way to get some perspective on being a high iq male getting repeatedly cucked by a brainless, frigid, objectively ugly slut you are irrationally obsessed with, and wasting your life by marrying her. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786480) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:36 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Cr epic response.
Thing I don't get is I have no problem shifting gears and pulling brainless tail the rest of the time. I can be dumb and very social and enjoy frivolous romances..
It's just this incredible oneitis with this one very triggering girl from my past that gets under my skin. At any point, including right now, I could just treat her normal and if I escalated in a detached way and never got too emotional, we would slide back into it.
But I get hung up, every time. And only on her. And not for any good reason. Nothing remotely special about her. |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:36 PM Author: vigorous private investor I am hung up on a woman (now mid-30s) who I dated nearly 2 decades ago
okay, there's your problem. she's some aging shrew. I understand the appeal of a former flame, and sure what she with your ex-friend was shitty, but sounds like best you can do is stay away from her and not let her take advantage of you. marriage with her is an absolute no. sounds like, and seems like you have, done much better. |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:46 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Cr she's pretty low on the totem pole. But I have trouble relating to women emotionally and I'm too old to go trolling for appsloots. I want connection and LTR and marriage. So I went with the woman on my list who I still had a connection to and could enjoy talking to. And it turned out to be a disaster. I guess it's just not easy to meet the right woman. Hard to find the good ones. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786540) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 11:32 PM Author: vigorous private investor no problem trying, but not that you've realized this woman is toxic, cut her out of your life and don't settle in the heat of the moment. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786698) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 11:35 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary I realized this has a lot more to do with man vs self than man vs man. This chick is inconsequential, it's the feelings of shame and worthlessness inside me that are significant. And ultimately, this is no one's problem but my own. I have to own these feelings and can't point the finger at anyone, especially not her, decades later, for triggering them. She's just a normal person now and what's inside my head is mine alone to overcome. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786707) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:41 PM Author: Glittery violent quadroon stop talking to her. it clearly gives her something she needs but doesnt deserve, and you won't ever get over her as long as you are in contact.
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:42 PM Author: wonderful mental disorder (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786525) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 11:03 PM Author: Lemon metal point titcr (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786597) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 11:32 PM Author: vigorous private investor (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786700) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 11:50 PM Author: Umber aromatic pisswyrm (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786744) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 11:51 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary How can I convince her to fuck me if I'm not talking to her dummy? All pain goes away when she gives up the cunny.
This is about circling back and finishing the job. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 1:01 AM Author: Glittery violent quadroon like the zombie eating the brain (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786975) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 6:10 PM Author: Maroon property (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43789828) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 10:55 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary I didn't think about her at all during my last relationship even 1 time. Totally forgot about her. Just walked into the trap and got triggered.
Already feeling a lot better about myself after this thread. I will cool off soon and life will go back to normal. Honestly forgot about all this shit from the past but a couple months talking to her and she brought it all back.
Will be laughing at myself in a couple days about this. |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 11:10 PM Author: Out-of-control orchestra pit That’s an interesting story Johnsmeyer (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786623) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 11:13 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Not flame and JM would always have some plot twist. This is way too straightforward and dry plus he would never write so much. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786634) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 11:18 PM Author: Out-of-control orchestra pit There’s an absurd amount of irrational cuck energy there along with the same sort of xo pumo type commentary about SMV over the years. If it’s not fake it’s a bizarre fixation and I’m not sure how you would give it up (because surely in that event you would already know that it makes no sense) (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786655) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 11:22 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary This one woman among all others on Earth brings out the cuck energy in me. She literally cucked me. And today she really triggered me about it and I freaked out. There is no silver lining here.
The good news is that for most of my adult life I have had totally normal relationships and don't think about her at all. Starting txting recently yny but it all fell apart and I should have seen it coming, but didn't. I'll feel fine in a few days but had to poast my feels for some self centered reason. |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 11:24 PM Author: Out-of-control orchestra pit It’s pretty bizarre (on the no flame premise) that she’s sharing all the details about how she loved getting pounded doggy by your bud or whatever. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786678) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 11:26 PM Author: Marvelous lime clown Wo! Spaceporn! When did you come back? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786680) |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 11:27 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary We talked openly about a lot of things. It was like 15 years ago. I mostly didn't care. I was unphased by anything she had to say about her latter day relationships. Nothing about some dentist chump she lived with for years who kicked her to the curb meant anything to me.
Yeah but the bit about my ex friend and the betrayal stuck in my craw big time. He was a weird dude. He was into all sorts of strange fetishes. I can't even imagine what went on behind my back. That's the one that got me big time.
I was fucking a cheerful busty all American woman at the time and I got anal whenever I wanted and did all sorts of shit to this chick. But I was dead inside. The whole time 2 year relationship I was thinking about my ex the entire time. |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 11:57 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary I guess it's really stupid to be so hung up now on what happened ages ago. The truth is that I care way more about the past than I do about the present. She's kind of dumpy and boring and possibly a pill head now. And by picking fights with her avatar I am merely trying to go back in time and litigate the past. This is a really selfish and poor behavior, yet feels more real to me than interacting with the woman she eventually became. Who wants to fuck a 30 something shrew? I want to go back in time and fuck her in her prime again and have things turn out differently. This fantasy of mine is very unhealthy and delusional and unfair to the human being that's now living in her body and mind.
As my distant memories slowly return I've come to the conclusion that not only am I fixated on the past, now, but was also fixated on the past, then. Insofar as the reality of the person she was became so deeply disconnected from the person she was in my mind. This is the horror story of what can happen when you fall in love with an idea of a person. I'm sure the guys she was fucking in my stead were much more concerned with the here and now. I am extremely delusional and live in a fantasy world inside my head that is only loosely connected with reality. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 12:52 AM Author: vigorous private investor I can see this. Saw my highschool crush on Bumble a few years ago, and even though it's been 10+ years, my knees turned to jelly.
Even talked about her to my old hs friends, all giddy and excited. She's a total shitlib and looks objectively worse now with age, though the old feelings are hard to shake. If she gave me the time of day, I'd probably chase her today knowing full well I don't really like her.
What you really want is to hatefuck her. Maybe you can pump and dump. Just make sure not to get babypwned or attached. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 1:07 AM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary We had a marathon multi day bonding session that took me back to the white hot romance we had back when. It's as if not a day has passed. Everything about us is exactly the same as it was, as it has always been. Our points of connection, our contentions, all our problems are the same and everything that used to be the glue that kept us together has not in any way changed. It's like taking the same roller-coaster lovedrug I did back then.
I have not ever found this type of connection with anyone. I cannot imagine any scenario where I feel this level of lack of control with any other woman. The worst that could happen is I could have a really big crush on someone and they don't feel the same way but as an adult you get over it in two seconds flat. Any rejection I've been through as an adult though unpleasant at times has been laughable in comparison. This cuts to the bone.
And I really don't know why. It's an emotion I can't control. This overwhelming, very unhealthy sensation that I need her or that if things work out between us everything will be okay. Why or how this all got concentrated in one very milquetoast and forgettable individual I will never understand. There's just something about the overall dynamic that has an addictive quality. I think if my goal were to become a healthier person overall, then I should strive to disentangle the deep personal attachment I have woven into the fabric of her memory, and learn to accept the woman as she is, not the person I desperately and unfairly need her to be. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 1:03 AM Author: Dead Public Bath Jfc this is dark (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786986) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 1:13 AM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary I know.
Please help. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 1:15 AM Author: Dead Public Bath I would lean in and try to make her a happy woman, long-term, and repair yourself in the process, but I'm a retarded fag with a romantic streak. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43787012) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 1:25 AM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Before I can do any of that I would have to first figure myself out and figure out how to accept her as the real flesh and bone woman who stands before me.
So long as I am living in the distant past and trying to have a relationship with a version of her loosely based on the truth but largely written, conceived, and romanticized in my mind, I cannot move forward with her in good conscience. There's a lot I need to do to get my head screwed on, but if by some stroke of luck we got together and actually worked out I could see marriage on the table. I just think at this point it's super unlikely given how fucked up we both are. But you never know. |
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Date: January 14th, 2022 11:59 PM Author: anal slate locus ljl u pathetic old faggot (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786780) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 12:00 AM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Thanks quotemo. Why don't you cop a pseudo and talk to me like a man? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786786) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 12:02 AM Author: anal slate locus nah (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786794) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 12:48 AM Author: vigorous private investor ya, fuck the haters who have nothing useful to contribute. I poasted an embarrassing thread under a quotemo, and then thought, fuck it, imma own up to it and take the criticism head on.
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Date: January 15th, 2022 1:19 AM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary This entire thread is a cry for help and ITT I am unveiling the single most mentally unstable aspect of my entire life, something that was buried within my psyche for a very long time that I had chosen not to unearth. Falling back into it with my ex triggered all of these extremely painful memories all at once.
I am happy to report that the colossal wave of emotion has in fact crested and I project a full recovery within a few days time as tension simmers between me and homegirl.
We really had a revelatory conversation that took me to places within myself I was not ready to face. And now I am reeling but somewhat grateful that this came to the fore and I can deal with it head on and no longer bury these unresolved feelings.
What I learned so far ITT is that whatever happens between us now is immaterial compared to the work I need to do to fix myself. This all has nothing to do with her. This is all about my own internal world and coming to terms with what are the only truly dark emotions I have ever been aware of within me. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 12:57 AM Author: Dead Public Bath We say "sudo" on this board, tbf (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786968) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 1:33 PM Author: Marvelous lime clown (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43788627) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 1:00 AM Author: Dead Public Bath So what's the optimal outcome for you here? You get some sex and dump her to feel like some alpha chad that cucked you? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43786974) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 1:32 AM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Optimal outcome is I get a therapist and figure out why I have a deranged decades long obsession with this very mundane and unremarkable woman to whom I had an overwhelming attachment in my youth who with a few words has the capacity to shatter my internal world. At this point really only want to fix myself.
I can get another girlfriend, any'll do. And it's a mortal lock I'll never develop this type of extreme attachment for anyone else. I also think there's some deeply seeded feelings of sexual inadequacy in there somewhere that makes me feel like no amount of success with copious females can ever make up for the shame I felt in my early 20s when I got ruthlessly cucked by a close friend.
Pray for me |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 2:28 AM Author: Dead Public Bath Will keep you in my prayers friend, old love is a harsh mistress. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43787121) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 3:15 AM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary This is just a deep singular pain I need to get over. And I don't really know how to do it. Being completely fulfilled in other areas in life, dating other amazing women and having great relationships, career successes, nothing has dulled the pain and the fact that all this time has gone by and it still eats at me is not a good sign.
I have all the forgiveness in the world for the individual in question. I harbor no malice for her and in fact at this point I honestly think what's going on inside me has nothing to do with her. It certainly doesn't have anything to do with her present self, and I think people are well within their right to grow and mature and not be who they used to be. Under those conditions she's fully absolved even if her current position is to have zero empathy for my cause which is frustrating.
But at any rate whatever I'm mad about it isn't her. It's got to be myself at this point. But for some reason her corporeal form has always been a lightning rod that focuses and concentrates all these dark emotions in me. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 1:52 AM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Deep down, at the very core, the absolute meat hook I am hanging on here is my quest for and dependency on her approval and validation. It's all coming back to me in cascading memories. This is truly pathetic here guys.
It's sort of like a roulette wheel, if you win every time it gets boring, like a safe, stable, committed relationship. If you lose every time you give up and move on. Her love is like watching that wheel spin never knowing where it will land. The intoxication is in the not knowing, the moment between when the bet is placed and when it comes up black or red. Something about the way she's up and down always had me by the balls, and, I learned, still does.
Every profession of love from her turned out to be false, and every declaration that she was done with me for good also was disproven. I have gotten her back enough times to know that she is always tantalizingly within reach. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 3:19 AM Author: ivory marketing idea This is an unhealthy addiction. You haven’t properly mourned the former relationship and you haven’t done the work to get closure.
Having been where you are, here’s what I suggest: - get a psychotherapist specializing in talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Your writings, while rantworthy, suggest you are aware of your problem which is half the battle. You need to do the work in therapy every week to deconstruct and reprogram your inner software. This will take time, possibly a year or two, and it will take homework from you in between therapy sessions.
- find a hypnotherapist to work with once a month alongside your regular therapist. Work on disassociating the triggers you’ve already identified and changing your emotional reactions to those triggers.
- after you feel like you’re on solid footing, find a match maker to help you find a long term relationship. Not because you need it to get dates. But because you need an objective arbiter who is not a friend or family member to help you sort the right kind of girl for you. Otherwise you’ll just pick the wrong person again.
- while you’re doing all this work, avoid dating or relationships and do things that build your confidence. Working out towards a goal, finding a childhood hobby, rooting for a certain team and diving into that fan base, etc. This will give you structure and something to put your energy towards while keeping you preoccupied.
Good luck.
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Date: January 15th, 2022 3:24 AM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary A bit heavy handed but something like that. I truly haven't mourned the relationship because I came away shattered and too proud to admit defeat. I just buried it but never was able to be truly vulnerable with anyone again. I've never let myself love again. Of course I've had feelings for the women I was with but never felt any romantic love in 20 years.
I think psychotherapy is a crock but appreciate the recs. I will calm down soon and make some level header decisions. Just felt like one moment we were reconnecting hardcore and then she stuck a dagger in me and twisted and it opened Pandora's Box.
I've had lots of stable relationships and don't pick the wrong person. I pick nice, normal women now and we have boring, not tumultuous, romances. If I have a 'type' I keep going back to in the present, it tends to be someone really put together ha. I don't think I've had a single fight or even major blowup in my last 3 relationships. None that I can recall. But stable does nothing to fill the void. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 11:08 AM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43787981) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 11:13 AM Author: Umber aromatic pisswyrm Context: My ex girlfriend got married in early October and it destroyed my entire soul. This girl was perfect for me and objectively an 7.5-8.5 lookswise and 9.5/10 personality/connectionwise. I left her because I felt like I could get anyone else and treated her like shit. I regret it so much. To this day, I still think about it and berate myself.
My point: Time makes it better but seeing as it HAS been decades since you felt that connection with her the best move would be to ignore/disregard entirely. You’re wanting to realize a memory that may or may not be an accurate representation regarding the truth of your past relationship and/or any associated sentiments. In order to do so, you are considering little less than treating a proven and shameless cum dumpster in order to achieve some vague sense of romantic fulfillment.
Forget she exists. Find a “challenge” in life that makes you feel alive and doesn’t involve you acting like a pathetic loser. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 11:21 AM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary I guess I'm so good at life that this *is* the only challenge left I can think of. Ex is a 6/10 and our connection now is a 5/10. She isn't someone I would look at twice today if I didn't know her.
Still just really hung up on the distant past over this jealousy shit. It really felt like living through a nightmare at the time and even though it was so long ago now I still hurts like it was yesterday. Her rejection of me combined with spreading her legs for a bunch of losers broke my brain, and clearly it's still broken.
I have gone on to date awesome women who were much younger, better looking, more cheerful, positive, and had much stronger connection with. And yet, I'm still stuck on this one chick from the past. No amount of happiness or success can fill this void. And I don't know what to do about it.
I'm not sure how sleeping with her now would feel other than it may get the monkey off my back. I would probably stop caring after that and feel like I had redeemed myself. Obviously there is all sorts of unhealthy psychological shit going on in my head, man. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 11:32 AM Author: ivory marketing idea When you’re ready to let her go you will. No point beating yourself up over it. You’re gonna need to hit rock bottom before you will decide enough is enough. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43788085) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 11:39 AM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary I have spent most of our time apart dating other women and not thinking about her. I think I hit her up because I got out of an LTR and she just seemed easy to talk to and always responded to my messages. I forgot about all the drama back in the day until she started talking about it and it felt like a punch to the gut. I'm already feeling better and getting back to baseline quickly.
I don't think me and her have a future nor would we be happy together. We're almost certainly not a match. We broke up for a reason and we went on to see other people and life moved on.
But I also think I have to try and sleep with her again just so I can feel normal. I need to free myself from this pain. And that's the only way I can think of to do it, is to win her back for the Nth time. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 11:43 AM Author: Umber aromatic pisswyrm You need to chalk it up to chance. A common situation for me has been trying to use my charm and kindness to get a 5/10 who is unique and get rebuffed. Meanwhile, the girl everyone else has a crush (lets say 7-9) on is into me but I can’t find a way to care. I try to understand why it happened and eventually conclude that it is one of those unexplainable freak events.
I know you’re trying to logically work through what happened and what it means but sometimes it’s one of those senseless interactions like above. Wait 5 years, get dinner with her, don’t try to fuck her. Then pat yourself on the back because this burn out roastie couldn’t get you to harm yourself |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 12:24 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Yeah, on the plus side of all this, this is as low as a woman could realistically ever make me feel in a romantic context (ie not including say, divorce or fighting over kids etc). And I survived. I took a blow to the chin and my ego was crushed and I had a meltdown but I'm still here. And I don't think anyone else could ever make me feel that way. I weathered the storm.
I find it hard to feel any emotional connection with women these days. My best relationships were the ones where the girl showed extreme levels of loyalty, and I grew fond of that and came to value that aspect. I never felt any type of romantic love again after my early 20s. It's not something I really look for but I'm curious to see if it could happen again much later in life.
You're right that even attractive roasties guys slit their wrists over can be boring as hell. But that one random 5 can make you feel alive for some unknown reason.
Wrt your hypo I think the move is wait a month, try and sleep with someone new to build my confidence, get dinner with her under the pretense that it's not romantic at all, then DO try to sleep with her. Yny. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 12:27 PM Author: Umber aromatic pisswyrm I feel like I could have written the second paragraph myself. My first girlfriend wasn’t even that hot but I would see fireworks when I would close my eyes as we held hands. I just banged out an MFH 8.1 and felt nothing and wanted her to leave. It felt like nothing and like I need to do something better with my life
I don’t know if we ever will be able to recreate that feeling and maybe we should stop trying |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 12:32 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Cr
I think as crazy as it sounds that the move is to go down a peg in looks and try and find someone who makes you feel something. So many hot girls have no personality, and worse, many have truly awful personalities that aside from their looks make you feel sick to even think about.
But if you're going for LTR/marriage, drop a point off and actually go for that 5-7 who makes you feel alive. They can't be a gigafat ljl and any woman who doesn't take care of their body is worthless, but imagine they're attractive enough to fuck yet enough of a human being that once you nut you actually want them to stick around.
My ex in the original premise is that woman for me. Or, was. I've never felt that type of way again and still feel it for her now no matter how much time passes. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 1:50 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Update: I am feeling way better. Took a gut punch over some bs old drama and it snapped me back to a time when I felt powerless and didn't understand women and didn't feel cool at all.
Can't give this bitch any power over me, I have so much more going for me than she ever will.
Ty to XO for letting me spew my mental illness and everyone who took the time to read my unhinged screeds. This is not who I am most of the time but it all came to a head and now it is what it is. Thankful this all passed through me now and don't have to get bent about it later. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 2:02 PM Author: idiotic hunting ground ladyboy lol you are a bitch (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43788792) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 2:06 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Some days don't go your way. My life is generally 180 and getting better all the time. Better than some pumo scum.
What have you ever done, faggot? |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 2:08 PM Author: idiotic hunting ground ladyboy (bum nigga gassing up busted bitches) (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43788821) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 2:19 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary I'll gas up whatever bitches I want (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43788894) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 2:51 PM Author: Ocher fantasy-prone laser beams corner When was the last time you saw her in person? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43789034) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 4:32 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary A long ass time ago, son. A long ass time ago. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43789400) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 2:56 PM Author: vibrant kitchen hissy fit context: i'm on xo because i think it's funny. i hate the racist shit and the too cool for school nonsense parts of it, but its funny sometimes so i remain and poast infrequently. but i'm also a softy and a romantic so i'll take the chance you're actually searching for advice and meet you halfway.
the feelings you have are completely irrational, and completely misguided. BUT. you seem to have an intellectual understanding about this, which means you can solve this and fix it.
the first thing you need to do is accept that the image you have developed about this person is entirely incongruent with reality. that's unnatural and mentally challenging, which means two things.
the first you've already realized - the person herself has basically been reduced in your mind into a totemic fetish; you don't love her, you need something she can give you or something her attachment would signify to yourself or others about who you are. in this way, you've basically distilled her into a brand - fucking her would be like buying a lamborghini in your mind; it would effectively signal your supremacy to yourself. how do you know you "made it?" fucking this girl. but there is no "made it" and that's an artifice. so step one is to sever this girl's communication entirely, both for YOUR sake and for HER sake. you deserve to reinternalize your own self worth, she deserves not to be somebody's status binky.
the second will take more work. you're missing something within you emotionally. something didn't grow correctly in your youth, or something traumatic happened to you during the same period of time when you knew this woman initially, and you're trying to rebuild, relive, or overcome that thing. i don't know what it is, and you might not consciously know either. but you need to get a professional help you sort it out, and you need to do it soon before you ruin your life purchasing and earning her and throwing away everything you spent to do so.
i can sense your pain in your writing and i hope you feel better |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 4:06 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Titmfcr. Top response and greatly appreciated. Everything CR what you said. Really appreciate your poast.
W/r/t Count 1: 100% correct. You absolutely nailed it. Dude when I met her, okay, I was a huge loser in high school. Kids made fun of me, teachers didn't like me (a lot of this turned out to be in my head and there were several tranches of loserdom beneath me, but that didn't occur to me until later. There were even several in-crowd girls who had a crush on me but I was too aspie to pick up on it).
I hated everything about my hometown and they hated me (again not literally, but this was my subjective experience at the time). And then I met a girl from another town. And she was KYOOT. And holy shit, we had sex! And it really changed my self-perception. I walked into class every day with the biggest double birds in the sky for these rotten motherfuckers. It was sweet revenge. All y'all thought I was fuckin' dirt but I've got a hot chick and you don't, I'm right and you're wrong, you just don't understand me. You can imagine this with the hormonal angst of a teenager and the aspieness of a high IQ functioning autist who felt like he hit the jackpot in life.
Everything was going fine until college and she went away and got blown out by Chad and it broke me. I was too aspie to get laid freshmen year despite blowing multiple easy opportunities due to being hung up on her. We saw each other over breaks and shit man the feels were just overwhelming. It was like just I put everything, my whole happiness, into one person, which is totally unfair to them, and I pushed her away. I watched her slip away, knowing full well it was I who was responsible for this, and unable to put a stop to my own negative emotions. This was a period of push and pull where we would seesaw. Whenever I was detached she would run toward me, and whenever I was clingy she would flee. Created a pretty unhealthy dynamic and there were constant fights and blowups, mixed in with amazing emotionally charged sex you only have when you're fucking someone you're full blown in love with. My level of neediness in this era was so high it was unchartable.
At any rate, when she started sleeping with other guys and eventually stopped sleeping with me for good, it was devastating. Not only is she a totemic mark of that time in my life, now, but even back then, in the latter phase of our relationship as it fizzled out, she was a totemic figure of the recent past. I had decided that everything needed to be like it was before, when I was happy, and like you said, totally unfair to that other person. I have been unfair to her for almost two decades now, demanding that she remain unchanged. She grew up and had a totally normal mundane life, as did I. But I still need her to be that girl I first met who changed my life, I still need to go back in time and win her away from those other losers who stole her from me. It's these totally toxic and corrosive feelings that never go away for me. And I have to own them. I have told her, at the very least, that the person who she is today is totally absolved from this, and whatever emotions I have about the distant past are mine to own. We're both well aware of my insanity and inability to cope with reality.
My kooky unrealistic dream is to somehow get her to validate me and my emotions and experiences from my youth, which she never has nor will, and has expressed categorically that this is not going to happen. My moonshot build a time machine fantasy is not to "buy" her but to persuade her to endorse and empathize with my internal narrative of events and emotions, and to take responsibility and apologize for everything. This is impossible, and my most recent interaction with her at least gave me closure that she's never going to come over to my side, not on my terms, not ever.
As to your second point about something being really fucked up with me deep down - yes, of course. Probably some early feelings of abandonment? Idk. Parents were kind of cold. Not sure. But I will say, despite all this, and despite my ex and the unhealthy feelings I still harbor for her, I've still gone on to live a relatively normal life and have completely normal relationships with other women. I'm not so broken that I can't find love. In fact, every relationship I had after her was very positive, with little to no fighting or grand clashes. So I'm not completely busted. But I do want to get a grip on her totemic power over me that I allow, that at this point has exactly zero to do with her the person and everything to do with a piece of me that's frozen in time in my youth and young adulthood.
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Date: January 15th, 2022 7:26 PM Author: Excitant twinkling uncleanness IDK what this emo bullshit is all about.
You should string this ho along and get together for a drunken hotel fuckfest.
Then you should basically ghost her and make her feel hurt like you did. When she starts clinging to you, tell her you just met someone and are interesting in seeing where your relationship goes so don’t want to jeopardize that by continuing to see her.
Bam I just saved you hundreds of dollars in CBT and other bullshit. |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 7:51 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Cr, coming around to this point.
I'm snapping back to my usual self. All the emo autism ITT is me reverting to my angsty teen self. This is not me 365 days out of the year. It was a gut punch, I didn't see it coming, wasn't prepared. Ex waxing poetic about the miles of dick she had after me and I snapped.
Coming back down to Earth after an emotional day and I feel fine. World didn't end. Flirted with some 20 year old today felt great. I've had plenty of 180 relationships with much more attractive, kind, and loyal women since then. This ancient drama BS just takes me back to a dark place. The feeling passed through me and now I feel fine.
With my head screwed on, plan is to be direct, set up a chance to meet for sex, go to town on her with 20 years of pent up passion, and come up with a plausible excuse to let her down as you mentioned. This is the end game here.
It's funny because I already don't care now and there are hotter younger women who want me and why this old hag strikes at my self esteem I will never know. But you're right, gotta finish the job, make her cum while I'm inside her, pop a load on her face like old times, and move on.
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Date: January 15th, 2022 7:46 PM Author: Maroon property Your relationship with her is toxic and can't be anything other than that. Stop contacting her and move on with your life. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#43790318) |
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Date: January 15th, 2022 7:55 PM Author: Bright Charismatic Sanctuary Yeah it was toxic back in the day. Fast forward to the present we just have mundane conversations. I got testy when she did a deep dive on her sexual encounters with my rivals. Thought I was over it but it was too much to handle and I had a meltdown. 24H later I feel fine and don't give a fuck anymore.
Feel almost nothing for her present self. Will try to smash with minimal effort, either will or won't pan out but not gonna cry about it if it doesn't. Who she is now is of almost no consequence to me, but stepping into a time machine to when I was young as fuck and she hurt me bad is the part I desperately want to rectify. Too bad, so sad, it'll never happen. |
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Date: September 30th, 2022 6:52 PM Author: brindle trip indirect expression lol @ Box psyopping this mentally ill cuck freak into an LDR like a month later (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5007681&forum_id=2#45259045) |
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Date: October 4th, 2022 2:27 AM Author: brindle trip indirect expression Date: October 4th, 2022 2:00 AM Author: See you tomorrow, GJR! (H🎂TP)
I think it's well written and whoever wrote it has a rich inner life. You know if someone has a bad day once in 20 years their life isn't so bad. Sometimes people just need to process things that were significant to them. But then they stop dwelling on it and move on.
Also don't get cute about pulling this from your archive, I literally linked you to it when we first interacted back in the Thomato era. I sent it to you hoping you'd be able to relate to what I had gone through.
The difference between us is I said whatever I needed to say and then I got over it and never mentioned it again. You have a lot to learn in your interpersonal development.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5205191&forum_id=2#45275880) |