Marriage vs. Unemployment

Dear Work Friend,

My husband is a very smart and capable person, but he became very sick in early 2020, and he has barely worked since then, despite tirelessly applying for positions. What can he do?

We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music, but the stress of trying to make enough money to live on (even with help from my mom) has made it nearly impossible to focus and develop my skills. It’s literally ruining my life.

Currently he is doing an online master’s program in computer science, but I worry that this will not improve his prospects. I don’t really want to get divorced, but I think about it constantly. It’s just too hard trying to support two adults as a nonprofit administrator. I can’t live this way for the next 30-40 years.

Thanks for your help,

Anonymous

I nodded and winced with sympathy through the first two paragraphs of your letter as I thought about the pressures of chronic illness, unemployment and financial strain.

And then I got to the phrase “online master’s program in computer science.”

At this point I stopped nodding, cocked my head to the side, and squinted my eyes in an expression of polite bafflement — the “Tucker Carlson.” I think you are right to worry that this will not improve his prospects. “Learn to code” is no longer a panacea for the unemployed, if it ever was. The number of job openings for entry-level workers in the tech industry has been stagnant for a while, and a master’s alone is not going to help when every new job listing has thousands of applicants, especially given the long gaps in your husband’s résumé. A strong professional network might give him an edge, but it’s hard to form one at a grad program you attend from your living room.

But my real concern reading your letter is not simply that the online master’s program is probably a waste of time and money, but that your husband is using it to hide from responsibility for your finances and your relationship.

There are many very good and rigorous online degree programs, but there are also some whose practical function is to help students avoid the burdens of real life under the cover of productivity. I think it’s telling that you, the stably employed partner, are emailing me to solicit employment ideas, rather than your husband, who actually needs them.

So before you even get to doling out advice, you need to sit down with your husband and tell him that the stress you feel about money is making you miserable, and that you guys need to come up with a plan to mitigate your dread about the future. You will know the most diplomatic way to communicate your distress. But you need to be honest with him that the current situation is unsustainable for you, and he needs to be part of the solution.

I’m not saying your husband must quit his master’s program. But he should have a plan beyond graduating and heading to LinkedIn. At a minimum he should be seeking internships, soliciting informational interviews, attending meet-ups and other networking events, and doing whatever he can to build a portfolio, gain experience, and augment his chances at actually finding a job.

And he should probably be doing more than that, given your misery and exhaustion. Could he get a part-time job serving coffee, waiting tables, or stocking shelves to help ease the pressure you feel to provide for both of you? If he needs to stay at home, could he find remote work in fields like tutoring, editing, transcription or customer service? Or maybe something more oriented toward a future career in software, like QA testing, data entry, or freelance web design? Finally, if his illness is preventing him from finding work entirely, can he augment your income with disability payments?

The point of this conversation is not to fix your difficult problems overnight (it won’t), nor to permanently solve the eternal troubles of money, jobs and relationships (it can’t). It’s to ensure that the tasks of thinking, worrying, and doing something about these issues is shared between both of you.

To that end, if you can scrape together the resources, I would suggest that part of your plan involve couples’ counseling. If that’s out of reach, you should at the very least be setting deadlines and clarifying expectations, so that neither partner is operating under false assumptions about the other’s feelings or needs.

Unless you fix the dynamic that has you emailing advice columnists on behalf of your husband after working all day to support him, I worry that no amount of employment-seeking guidance will help.

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795346)

We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music,

We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music,

We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music,

We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music,

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795356)

It’s just too hard trying to support two adults as a nonprofit administrator.

It’s just too hard trying to support two adults as a nonprofit administrator.

It’s just too hard trying to support two adults as a nonprofit administrator.

It’s just too hard trying to support two adults as a nonprofit administrator.

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795359)

"Currently he is doing an online master’s program in computer science, but I worry that this will not improve his prospects."

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795377)

Gemini's response: AI is used to automate repetitive tasks, but humans are still needed to architect complex systems, ensure security, and solve unique business logic. Learning to code develops deep computational thinking and debugging skills required to oversee and verify the AI's often-flawed output. AI acts as a powerful "copilot," but the "pilot" must still understand the underlying mechanics to build reliable, scalable, and innovative software.

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49797321)

if she divorces him, what do these 'proud liberal artists' end up typically doing? EBT?

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795476)

WILL: keep making everyone around him miserable and guilt tripping wife for years

Note that the author asks about disability which undoubtedly his bullshit fake chronic illness doesn't qualify for. Unfortunately there's no great answer for how to get by as an unproductive adult male. There never has been.

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795495)

This bro is a hero and younger generations should be taking notes. Until girlbossing is fully dead as a concept in our culture, career shrews should be exploited mercilessly for resources.

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795499)

this guy should be a man do whatever it takes to support himself. taking perpetual handouts from your wifes family while you do online only classes because of your bs long covid would be so shameful for a real man that he'd rather doordash every waking hour of the day over accepting another cent.

ime people like you are universally excuse making losers who would rather seethe at everyone else than take responsibility for themselves. waaah waah waah my wife is neing so mean just because ive been unemployed for six years. lmao. both these people suck, but the dude massively sucks too and everyone woman in her right mind would not tolerate a pathetic leach.

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795559)

if this guy just lost his job and his wife got the ick everyone would be on his side. if you have anything but disgust for a man that wallows in self-pity while demanding others provide for him i expect you are one yourself and lashing out because you know what everyone is saying itt is what people think about you.

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795579)

if you believed that you wouldn't be seething. odd case how mgtow incels never stop whining but still say they're living their best life.

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795616)

It is because you think this way that you will still be bragging about your “dating app” exploits to internet strangers who don’t like you in ten years. Hope that helps!

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795638)

Well, that and you’re a “bachelor” in your 40s 🤣

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795648)

what did you and your wife and kids do today?

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795678)

Date: April 5th, 2026 1:57 PM

Author: the word envy ceasing to exist (gunneratttt)

being swallowed by my lovely gf.

what did you and your wife and kids do today?

(My husband can't get a job and is learning to code, should I divorce him? (NYT)

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795695)

my wife's sister's husband is a lot like this; allegedly long covid, maybe lyme, whatever invisible disability you can imagine (btw I've actually had lyme, confirmed by western blot, it fucking sucks and I was fucked for six months)

he was an elementary school teacher (red flag 1) then was gently re-guided to be the school's JANITOR because he could no longer be trusted in the classroom.

he has some unconfirmed substance abuse issue. alcohol, opioids, something. he vapes all the time.

has two kids under 8 and can't get his shit together. comes home friday and stays in bed until monday morning. my in-laws are basically going to an early grave taking care of his kids for him. i would kill him if I could

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49805822)

We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music, but the stress of trying to make enough money to live on

We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music, but the stress of trying to make enough money to live on

We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music, but the stress of trying to make enough money to live on

We recently moved so I could go to graduate school for music, but the stress of trying to make enough money to live on

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795375)

I don’t really want to get divorced, but I think about it constantly.

I don’t really want to get divorced, but I think about it constantly.

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795379)

Watch Nas Learn to Code

Code.org

(https://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5853777&forum_id=2#49795386)