Date: July 3rd, 2015 11:28 AM Author: Heady nibblets
My paralegal specifically gets me a jalapeno bagel every Friday for our meeting. They were out of the regular jalapeno bagels so my paralegal got me a cheese jalapeno one which has melted cheddar on top. It is fucking delicious. Then I see the azn HR cunt (the one who instituted this new internet policy at our firm, the same one who takes photos of her cappuccinos) eating it.
I ask her if she's eating my bagel and she ignores me. So then I flat out accuse her of stealing it and she goes, "You know what? It doesn't matter."
As I was typing the last paragraph she comes into my office and offers me some candy or something. I say, "Is this your way of apologizing for stealing my bagel?"
She goes, "No, I'm not apologzing. I got there first. Now I'm not offering you the candy anymore."
What a fucking cunt. Fuming right now bros. And I'm hungry.
Date: July 3rd, 2015 11:33 AM Author: Fiercely-loyal grizzly juggernaut resort
Next time, tell your paralegaless to put EXTRA SPICY CHILIS on the jalapeno bagel so when HR feminazi comes to liquidate it, she gets PWND with dat spicy revenge!!!
Date: July 3rd, 2015 12:05 PM Author: Heady nibblets
My paralegal told me a story about her at one of the firm Xmas parties. The azn HR girl wanted my paralegal's white elephant gift and traded with my paralegal for the azn girl's bottle of wine.
It was a decent bottle of wine. The azn HR girl took one of the cheap bottles of wine that were placed on all the tables, replaced the good bottle of wine with it, and gave the shit wine to my paralegal who didn't notice until after she got home. When my paralegal confonted her about it the girl defended herself by saying my paralegal was drunk and should have noticed.
Date: July 9th, 2015 9:04 PM Author: Heady nibblets
Update: the HR girl forwarded the email chain to the Office Manager who is her direct supervisor. He sent me a shitty ass email "Let's get some things straight . . ." and then he tells me (a) that she was not tasked with sending in my certification and that she is only tasked with doing things that he himself approves and (b) I should know better as an attorney that there is a "certain level of respect" I need to show colleagues and to come to him if I have a problem.
I replied to this motherfucker saying that MY boss (who is also his boss) tasked her with it and if he has a problem to take it up with him (cc'd boss).
Then I basically told him that she's a disrespectful little cunt and I'm not going to put up with that shit from her or anyone else.
So there is now a meeting schedule tomorrow where my boss is going to mediate the dispute between me and this fucking cuntrag. I'm going to tear her head off tomorrow.
Date: July 9th, 2015 9:40 PM Author: Heady nibblets
Shit, I forgot I did a follow up thread. I should have bumped that one. This isn't about the bagel. My boss accidentally forwarded her an email in which I referred to her having a "shitty fucking attitude". That's what this is about.
Date: July 10th, 2015 2:27 PM Author: Heady nibblets
We had a guest speaker at our Friday morning meeting today and this dude brought bagels with him. He brought *one* cheddar cheese bagel (no jalapenos). Guess who fucking ate it? I kept my mouth shut today though.
Date: August 27th, 2015 3:29 AM Author: Ruby bossy degenerate
This is hilarious. So at an office meeting/breakfast, from a breakfast spread of many bagels, someone who arrived before you did happened to take THE bagel that you wanted, that was included on the platter and not set aside for you? And instead of just getting another bagel you throw a fit? This sounds like classic Jim/Dwight dynamic. You're Dwight.
Why doesn't your paralegal get more than one of your flavor of bagel OR set aside your bagel so that it is not on display for general consumption?
Date: August 27th, 2015 3:43 AM Author: Heady nibblets
You don't understand. The admin team are passive-aggressive aspies. After this incident, my paralegal would put my bagel in a special bag and write my name on it. The office manager ate it. I knew that was his way of defending the cunt. He wanted me to react, but I didn't. Instead I filed him under "Enemy".
Date: January 29th, 2016 12:48 PM Author: Heady nibblets
Bros, the new fat paralegal stole my bagel this morning. I had to send an email to everyone.
"[My paralegal] buys two jalapeno cheese bagels every week: one for me and one for [azn hr cunt]. If you want a jalapeno cheese bagel, please let [paralegal] know and she will *special* order one for you so you don't have to *steal* mine (please see California Penal Code section 459). Now my entire Friday is *ruined* thanks to you."
Date: January 29th, 2016 3:58 PM Author: Heady nibblets
New associate in my office asked me whether my email was serious or not. My boss looked at him and with a straight face says, "People have been killed over that bagel. [Chilmata] is Sicilian." Not flame.