Date: October 23rd, 2005 10:29 PM Author: crawly black woman
While walking home from class one day, you happen across two classmates. After making small talk for a bit you receive two separate invitations. You...
1. Slap on some emo make-up and accompany Madame Cunt to the local bar for beer and bad punk music.
2. Shun the Cunt in favor of Dogshit for some pizza and cheap thrills.
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:04 PM Author: Ruby Unhinged Point
(1)
When you arrive at the bar, all the alternative non-conformists are dressed in a remarkably similar manner. A 14-year old white girl, whose parents make $250,000 per year starts to talk to you about her trials and tribulations in private school. Do you:
Date: February 18th, 2006 7:18 PM Author: mewling library turdskin
(1)
Madame Cunt is in rare fire-breathing form. She's abusing you like Catherine Keener does to John Cusack's character in Being John Malkovich in that brutal emasculating bar scene.
Seeing that you've hit a dead-end, you do a complete 180 and start to pretend like you don't care about what she says (a la Neil Strauss). You ask her if she's miserable that she goes to a school slowly falling out of the T14 in an attempt to capitalize her insecurities.
MC responds by
1) Jumping up on the bar and start dancing while sticking her ass in your face
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:00 PM Author: Ruby Unhinged Point
(3)
You following the mugger into an alley, but when you arrive, you don't see him. However, you do see a 225 chick who insists that you put on a condom and fuck her.
What do you do?
(1) Go back the way you came
(2) Like a real man, slap the condom out of her hand and bone her senseless
(3) Pull a :D and wear the condom, go soft during intercourse, and fail to ejaculate.
Date: October 23rd, 2005 10:53 PM Author: bat shit crazy people who are hurt
1) Attack the Black man
As you step into the street to attack the black man, you notice a truck barreling toward you. You cannot react in time. BAM! You've been hit by a TRUCK. Your body crumples, bones break, blood sprays over the hapless Dogshit who screams in terror (and is comforted by the black man, they eventually marry.) Blackness surrounds you. You are in unimaginable pain.
1) Attempt to fight the blackness and stay conscious.
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:03 PM Author: crawly black woman
After lying comatose for 15 years you awake in with a start. Your first thought is upon your impending moot court competition which has, unbeknownst to you, passed by long ago. After a few months of physical therapy you regain control of your bladder and are able to walk. Do you...
1. Return triumphantly to law school and continue with your dream of becoming a BIGlaw drone?
2. Stalk Dogshit and her husband, Tyrone, in an attempt to rekindle a love lost?
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:34 PM Author: crawly black woman
3.
Pulling out your tupperware you offer him a deluctable chop with some brown gravy. After drizzling some pepper on it you offer the meaty morsel to lure him over. To your dismal, Dogshit's food stamps has kept him well supplied with twinkies and he shuns the chop.
1. Crawl through the window in hopes of securing a hostage for ransom.
2. Weep for not only is your life a TTT, but your cooking skills are too.
Date: July 1st, 2006 2:20 AM Author: Jade hell milk
1
Tyrone, Jr. is immediately alarmed and pulls Daddy's gun on you. He slowly backs out of the kitchen and then shouts for help. Taking a chance, you dash upstairs. As you walk down the hallway, you see through a half-open door that an ASIAN exchange student is staying with Mr. and Mrs. Dogshit. She is naked spreadeagle on the bed, her eyes closed, as she practices an ancient tantric form of masturbation. A slight moan escapes from her lips. You hear footsteps on the landing and an angry black voice. A gun is being cocked. You spy a ninja knife on the ASIAN girl's dresser. You slip quietly into her room.
(1) Grab the knife and try to hold the ASIAN exchange student hostage at knifepoint.
(2) Rape her at knifepoint.
(3) Lock the door and seduce her. Then steal the pillowcase, cut out eyeholes, and set two sticks on fire.
(4) Drop your pants and stroke off to the sight of the masturbating ASIAN.
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:09 PM Author: Ruby Unhinged Point
(2)
Upon walking by the hobos, you realize your error and accept the fact that Bush will likely appoint one to the Supreme Court, where the hobo will wield a large amount of influence. Do you:
(1) Admit your error, return and slaughter the hobos
(2) Admit your error, return and threaten the hobos until you are sure that when they ascend to the court, they will vote in the correct manner with regard to cyborgs and other forms of semi-human life
(3) Worry about them later and concentrate on the violent overthrow of the current members of the Supreme Court
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:19 PM Author: Aromatic volcanic crater new version
(2)
You arrange for the reconstruction of a past president. Zombie Cyborg FDR appoints all 15 of your hobolic associates to administer hoborrific justice in the land's highest court. First judicial legislation:
(1) affirmative cyborg action
(2) cyborgs have implicit eminent domain where they tread
(3) "all men created equal" implies only created men have rights. Cyborgs enslave the population.
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:43 PM Author: Ruby Unhinged Point
(2)
You entitle your campaign "Rhyming is a sneaky way of lying." Both Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are up in arms. They accuse the cyborgs of "Instigating Hating" and "Flagrant Attacks on Vagrants and Blacks." Do you
(1) Stick to your anti-rhyming campaign
(2) Try to think up your own catchy rhymes
(3) Ask them why they are allowed to use the term "Colored People" in their title, but cyborgs are not
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:09 PM Author: crawly black woman
1.
Selecting the hobos as a temporary side quest, and to make sure everything is in working order before confronting Dogshit. After dispatching the hobos and collecting their scalps for sale at the local tannery you return to your original objective.
1. Continue on to Dogshit's house with Gauss Guns armed.
2. Stop by the tannery and the adjoining 7-11 for a Robo-Gulp and some easy money.
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:17 PM Author: crawly black woman
3.
Being a sensible robot, you ask to see photos of previous robot renderings. They are admittedly impressive but are rather robo-copesque. The artist, who signs each tat with "EGG", asks for your most prized scalp.
1. Exchange the scalp for a robo tat upon your human arm.
2. Attempt to haggle in hopes of getting a lower value metal etching upon your robo chest so that you might not lose your favorite scalp, whom you have affectionately labeled "Suds"
3. Dismember EGG for attempting to work on you with unsterilized implements and continue on to the Robo-Gulp machine.
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:13 PM Author: Excitant tan messiness
1.
You place a thermal detonator beside Dogshit's front door and arm the device. You step back 150 feet and remotely activate the detonator. Half of Dogshit's house no longer exists, and beer cans and used condoms now litter the surrounding neighborhood. You hear cries from the inside of the remainder of the house.
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:23 PM Author: crawly black woman
1.
Going inside you see, to your disgust, that the thermal detonator has not been enough to disrupt Dogshit, who is engaging in coitus with 3 men wearing Nixon masks. Your rage at your is almost unfathomable.
1. Spray the area with gunfire and finish destruction you have begun.
2. Steal a Nixon mask and take out your frustrations on Dogshit's b-side.
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:25 PM Author: 180 Filthpig
(2)
After a few quick strokes however the herpes start immediately chewing through your roboform and your robotestes. Also another dude totally touches your butt while you're pounding DS.
Date: October 24th, 2005 12:04 AM Author: crawly black woman
2.
Ever since you were a young child necrophilia always seemed like the ultimate taboo, and was thus very arousing. Dogshit's faceplant into the loins of the corpse is hot beyond belief and you quickly find your robo brain is having difficulty compensating.
1. Orchestrate an immediate shut down in order to avoid self-destruction.
2. Throw caution to the wind and go for the double anal.
Date: July 21st, 2006 1:29 AM Author: Ruby Unhinged Point
3. Cyborg penis gets erect at the thought of nubile booty dancing from youtube. You begin your attack at the White House. You encounter Karl Rove in the hallway.
Do you:
1. Melt his face off with your sulfuric acid cumshot
2. Impale him with your magnificent specimen of pure Alabama blacksnake
3. Pistol-whip him in the back of the head with it
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:04 PM Author: Aromatic volcanic crater new version
(2)
At the hospital you drift in and out of consciousness. At one point, a doctor tells you that the best thing to stave off infection would be a dose of Pitocin.
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:26 PM Author: Excitant tan messiness
1.
After searching through your local Walmart, you decide that nothing resembles Africa quite like Africa. You hail a taxi to take you to JFK. You walk up to the Southwest ticket counter.
1. Buy a ticket to Lagos, Nigeria for 300 American Imperial credits.
2. Attempt to break through the security checkpoint.
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:30 PM Author: 180 Filthpig
(2)
Realizing that American security is a joke you storm past the high school dropouts with scanners and X-ray machines. They drool on themselves for no reason.
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:38 PM Author: crawly black woman
2.
Rushing through the airport, you scream at people to get out of the way and state your destination. A bunch of college republicans, protesting Kanye West (who is arriving in the airport shortly) mistakes your destination for a racial slur.
1. Smile at the cheers of the college republicans and pick up a "rap is crap" sign.
2. Join Kanye's posse in gunning down the republicans before continuing on to the plane.
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:49 PM Author: Ruby Unhinged Point
(1)
You pick up the sign. Kanye arrives shortly with Jesse Jackson in tow, who mocks the "unrealistic and simplistic" nature of your sign. He challenges you to a rhyming duel.
Do you
(1) Try to rhyme toe to toe with Jesse Jackson
(2) Whip out your Cyborg dick and pee on his loafers
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:55 PM Author: crawly black woman
1.
Pressing a concealed button upon your chest, a beatbox beyond Kanye's wildest dreams begins to emit sounds. You begin to lay down rhymes like it ain't no thang. You are approached by Kanye for a possible collaberation despite Jackson's vigorous protestations...
1. Decide to collaborate with West and bring in a new era of Robo-Hip Hoppery
2. Sneer at Kanye's feeble talent and decide to go platinum solo.
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:58 PM Author: Peach Odious Native
2
While his loafers are caught in flames from the highly toxic urine you've been holding in since drinking moonshine and catching an STD from that transexual brazilian hooker, you grab Jesse Jackson by the face and begin face raping him, screaming to passersby "HOW DOES THIS LOOK ON TV, RODNEY KING, RODNEY KING. He struggles to get away.
1. You push your robocop penis into his skull to end his embarassing stain on existence.
2. You turn him around and ride him like a donkey making him go NEEE, NEEEE.
Date: October 23rd, 2005 11:04 PM Author: bat shit crazy people who are hurt
1.
The black man comes over and steps on your face. Dogshit is pretending nothing has happened. She's probably in shock or is perhaps just not wanting to get involved. Suddenly, you die. You find yourself hovering above your broken shell of a body.
1) Attempt to grab and choke the black man with your etherial arms.
2) Allow yourself to float higher in the air toward the light.
Date: October 24th, 2005 10:41 AM Author: Navy offensive senate
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. This was hilarious and I am cursing the time difference that prevented me from partaking in this exercise of collaborative literary genius.
I actually just snorted aloud and one of my partners asked me what what so funny. If only he knew...
Date: December 15th, 2005 12:29 AM Author: Sickened Titillating Public Bath Corn Cake
Fuck, I was so engrossed in the story that I didn't notice the dates. Would it be plagiarism/bad form to create another choose your own adventure thread?
Date: December 21st, 2005 8:04 PM Author: comical hall
Holy shit! I thought of starting this exact thread this morning when I woke up today. I didn't know it was on here. Interesting that it was bumped today.
Date: February 7th, 2007 9:39 PM Author: crawly black woman
Gingerly, you lift the dusty tome. Inlaid in the worn leather are the faded words: "ITT: We write a choose your own adventure story..." You cackle maniacally, and blow the dust off of the cover. AT LONG LAST! The tome of un-ending stories! You can feel the power well up through the pages. Elated that your long quest has come to the end you...
1) Call your ex-girlfriend in a futile attempt at reconciliation after neglecting her in your quest for knowledge.
2) Immediately apply to the T-14, placing "Treasure Seeker" prominently in your list of hobbies.
3) Soil yourself from the immensity of the moment, regain your composure and head for the door.