Date: October 19th, 2009 9:04 PM Author: deep rigor
For context, she came to the first date wearing an extremely ill-fitting bra, and it made her boobs look bad. I was distant (and quite disappointed) but then I realized-- note that men are stupid fucking idiots sometimes-- that it was the bra-fit and not her boobs that were weird, so the "chemistry" returned. I explained the reason for my distance was that I was turned off, but now that I realized what the story was (bad bra, not bad boobs) I wasn't anymore. I expected to get slapped or just to have her walk away, but she took my forwardness extremely well and agreed, "yeah, this bra sucks. I only wore it because it's laundry day."
I was really afraid that I had hurt her feelings by being so forward and brutally honest, and even though the date went pretty well, I didn't expect to get a second one.
One day later, she texts me asking if I really like her? Is this good or bad? Did I eff up or hurt her feelings?
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:09 PM Author: deep rigor
Really? I thought I was being douchetastic in telling her, on a first date, that I was turned off by her ill-fitting bra. I was tactful about it, but there are some things that it's impossible to say tactfully.
The reason I did it is that I'd rather take a 90% chance of failing for being too forward, then be turned-off and weirded out and have 100% chance of failing on chemistry.
She confirmed that she has "normal" breasts. She was like, "yeah, this bra splits my boobs and it looks horrible". Splitting wasn't the only problem; it also pushed her boobs so high that her cleavage went up to collarbone and it looked like a fat person's chest-- on a girl who has an otherwise perfect body.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:11 PM Author: Chestnut impressive stag film legend
considering that she bothered to respond at all and then responded with what she did she's definitely interested.
girl's want to be thought of as pretty, they spend way more time trying to look good than guys do. she was probably insecure when he was standoffish at first, and then relieved that he does find her attractive
seriously send the text the other guy recommended. come over so i can show you or something along those lines.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:16 PM Author: deep rigor
So it would be alpha to give the compliments?
I told her that she has the most beautiful face I've ever seen (and I wasn't lying).
If she had a mediocre face, I'd probably have just let the date play out. However, she was gorgeous, brilliant, and with a great personality. Had to get to the bottom of the one thing that was bothering me.
if you have a dog and you constantly give it praise and treats for no reason it will begin to think it is the alpha. it takes your submissive praise and gifts as a sign of weakness. praise and treats should be only given after someone does something you want them to.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:17 PM Author: deep rigor
I didn't mean it as a "crass insult". I was trying to be 100% above-board honest.
I am a tactless, brutally honest, ass, but I don't go out of my way to hurt peoples' feelings. I would try to avoid hurting peoples' feelings if I didn't value honesty more.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:23 PM Author: kink-friendly therapy national
Honesty and rudeness, while not coextensive, are often the same. There are certain things one does not say in certain contexts. "Pardon, but the fit of your bra is offputting" is one obvious example.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:30 PM Author: kink-friendly therapy national
That's like saying, "It's nicer to throw a pie in someone's face than it is to shit in their pie and let them eat it." On that level, you have a point.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:36 PM Author: kink-friendly therapy national
This doesn't distance you from the shit-in-pie analogy. It merely appends, "What should I have done, *NOT* thrown the pie in her face? Then I'd *HAVE* to shit in her pie! I mean, I know myself, and it's either a pie in the face or shit in the pie."
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:40 PM Author: kink-friendly therapy national
I think I am losing this argument, because I'm coming around to your side.
We're missing the connection at the point of what we can imaginatively excise from our conscious attention. I could easily have given her the benefit of the doubt; perhaps you could not.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:42 PM Author: deep rigor
I should have given her the benefit of the doubt. The thing is that I'm extremely sexually inexperienced and have never dated a woman with large breasts, so I'm intimidated by them.
At first, I was afraid they really looked like that, because I didn't know any better.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:33 PM Author: Chestnut impressive stag film legend
man almost everything you say leads me to believe you fail at relationships. relationships with girls are not the same as relationships with your waitress/boss/flight attendant.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:36 PM Author: deep rigor
How do I not fail?
I don't want to be this way. Somehow I fucked up and was still lucky, but I can't count on that forever.
I don't run "asshole game" because I'm already enough of a jerk without it. I actually try to be nice and it works, because it moderates my natural jerkness.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:20 PM Author: deep rigor
I did my best to be tactful.
I am a FUCKING idiot. You are extremely beautiful and the reason I was turned off originally is that your bra made your boobs look really weird. Now that I've run the numbers in my head and am pretty confident that they're normal, I'm not turned off anymore.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:27 PM Author: deep rigor
Of course not. I said, "I assume they're normal." She said they are. Tonight I found a way into her facebook pictures (little-known exploit) and looked at them. They're fine.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:46 PM Author: deep rigor
If you [do something] you sometimes get to that person's "Pictures of" page. It works maybe 1 time in 10, alas.
A much creepier one I found in the summer of 2008 allowed you to import all of another person's apps to your wall. That one was fixed, presumably. (I don't know if it still works, though I doubt it, since I discovered it by accident and it was too creepy for me to try again.)
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:08 PM Author: Chestnut impressive stag film legend
meh. i don't think so. if he showed up on the first date with one leg longer the other or some weird shit about him she'd be turned off too.
i think girl's want to be thought of as pretty, they spend way more time trying to look good than guys do. she was probably insecure when he was standoffish at first, and then relieved that he does find her attractive
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:11 PM Author: deep rigor
It pushed her breasts into a weird oblong shape. The underwire was high and bisected them, so it looked like she had massive fat deposits under them (not the cute tiny rolls that normally come with large breasts). It also pushed her boobs up to her collarbone so it looked like she had a fat person's chest, even though her body was otherwise perfect.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:28 PM Author: deep rigor
Moved to New York where I can fail socially a zillion times and never have it catch up with me. Made some good friends through aggressively getting out there. Now have a normal social network of very interesting people.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:28 PM Author: deep rigor
No disagreement there.
Again, it was a utilitarian calculation. Better to take a 90% chance of weirding her out or upsetting her than a 100% chance of the date failing on "no chemistry" and her feeling rejected.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:38 PM Author: deep rigor
My ex-girlfriend said the thing she admired most about me was that I treated people basically the same, regardless of social class, gender, age, et cetera. I was like, "shouldn't all people do the same?"
Date: October 19th, 2009 10:04 PM Author: deep rigor
In high school, I was never sure who the high- and low-status people were. It was always changing and I couldn't figure it out, so I just hung out with the people I liked.
Thing is, I've never, ever been afraid to sit with the "unpopular kid" or to stand up for him, because I will bring his reputation up rather than him bringing mine down. That said, I'd never sit down at a table of unpopular kids because I don't want to become part of "that group" in others' eyes.
Date: October 19th, 2009 9:50 PM Author: deep rigor
They're naturally large, and the bra both bisected them due to high underwire, making it look like there were fat deposits under them, and pushed them up very high on her chest, so it looked like she had a fat person's chest. I couldn't figure it out, because she was beautiful everywhere else. Severe cognitive dissonance.
Once I figured out it was a bad bra, it stopped being a problem. However, I'm a fucking idiot (and a boob-newb, having dated mostly small-breasted women without cleavage) and it took me some time (like 30 minutes) to realize the score.
I'm glad I talked with her about it, as brash as that was, rather than silently turning her down. Could have made a huge fucking mistake.