Date: February 24th, 2005 4:34 PM Author: sadistic indian lodge
Dearest Susie,
I’m not sure if this is the correct way to go about telling you the things I must tell you. If it were possible, it would be preferable to tell them to you face to face. However, I think at this point, I couldn’t look into your eyes without regaining a sort of hope, that you will see, renders me unable to say this to you.
Susie, I adore you. You know this, if you don’t it is only because you won’t let yourself believe it. Fulfillment is not the correct word, but it is as close as I can come in a single word to describing the feeling of looking over to my side of the bed at Eight A.M. and seeing you breathing gently there. Why do I adore you? I don’t know. I know I love talking to you, I think you’re beautiful, I feel like you understand me, I think of you as my intellectual equal. All these things are certainly true, but they could be true of a great many women. What scares me but what makes me think its real, when very few of my feelings in life have been real, is that I cannot explain or rationalize why I feel like I do about you.
I think you like me. I think that maybe even had the circumstances been different we may have dated longer or even gone so far as being boyfriend and girlfriend. But I know you don’t feel as I do and under no circumstances will you, no matter how much I hope for the opposite to be true. I know a girl doesn’t tell a guy she wants to be with that she will not exclusively date anybody and then proceed to exclusively date somebody else. I know a girl doesn’t invite a guy she wants to be with to hang out with her and her boyfriend. I don’t blame you for these things, on the contrary, without them I may have deluded myself much longer.
I want for us to be friends. I honestly do. I don’t need for us to be friends, in fact it is probably the last thing on earth that I do need. But I want it. I have to realize some things if it is to work though. We can’t be alone together. I think we both knew at the time and we certainly both know by now that us going to Richmond for dinner is a terrible idea. I want it so much, but I want it under different circumstances. I actually would like it under these circumstances, but I also know how easy it is for me to begin deluding myself again with thoughts that there is a chance for there to one day be an us. I think we both know that us sleeping in the same bed together is a terrible idea. It is a very odd feeling, knowing that the thing that has made you the happiest you’ve been in a long time is also the last thing in the world you need. Your feelings want to lash out at your logic. It’s not healthy.
I’m never going to be happy or comfortable around your boyfriend or boyfriends or guys you are dating. I like xxxx, he’s a cool guy, if I felt differently about you I might even hope that you two would get more serious. I don’t want to hang out with him or have a drink with him or even talk to him. I certainly don’t want to do any of that with you there.
I hope none of this hurts you. That’s the last thing I want. I’m sorry that I am the way I am and that all this is even necessary. I don’t want you to think any of this is your fault, not that you would, but you might and its not. I will probably be weird for a while and I hope that if I’m distant that doesn’t hurt you. I don’t think you have any idea how much I want to be doing the opposite of what I’m doing now. Maybe what I’m doing is way too emo or maybe its psycho, but it is who I am and I think that if I owe you anything it is to be completely honest with how I feel about you.
I just don’t think I will get over you if I keep seeing you so much. Just when I think I’m over you, I can look at you and realize I’m not. Maybe if I forget for long enough I won’t be able to remember. I’m not saying that I don’t want to see you at all, but it can’t be as much and it can’t be in a very personal way.
Susie, I’ve meant everything I’ve ever said to you. I don’t know of anybody else that I can say that about. And I mean everything I am saying now. I adore you and I’m sorry that by some cruel trick of fate I’ve fallen for you. This is hard on me, but the saddest part is that having to shut you out from being a true friend. I know it’s not fair to you. I’m not entirely sure how much our friendship has meant to you, but I get the feeling at times it has meant a lot. I’m so sorry that I have to shut a good portion of that out. I’m sorry that I will probably never be able to watch you put on lipstick without wanting to immediately mess that lipstick up. I’m sorry that I’ll never be able to see you with another guy without wishing I were in his place. I’m sorry this had to happen to you.
Date: February 24th, 2005 4:40 PM Author: sadistic indian lodge
"What scares me but what makes me think its real, when very few of my feelings in life have been real, is that I cannot explain or rationalize why I feel like I do about you."
Date: February 24th, 2005 4:44 PM Author: sadistic indian lodge
I'm so sorry. I really wish I didn't feel this way. That's not true, this feeling has been what has been keeping me going. I'd be lying if I said the 6 hour drives to DC werent' worth it. But I've realized that I have to try to move on.
You're such a fantastic girl, woman, person.
It hurts a lot now, but you've definitely made my life better in the long run by knowing you. When I need strength one day I can think about you and your quiet, beautiful strength.
Date: February 24th, 2005 4:49 PM Author: sadistic indian lodge
Susie, it had never really began. Or rather two different things had began. The ambiguity of our relationship, the way that a kiss meant one thing to you and something entirely different to me, it's just not healthy for me.
I can't date anybody else, I just stare through them and wish I was with you. If I ever hope to move on, I can't feel that way.
To be with you is the only thing I can really say I want in life. When I dream about my children, you are always the mother. When I dream about dying, we both die at exactly the same time and are buried together in the same coffin. Everything else I want in life derives from wanting to be with you. Sure I want kids, but I want your kids. Sure I want a nice house, but a nice house is a house with you in it, happy to be with me.
I know you really like me, but I also know that's not what you want.
Date: February 24th, 2005 4:52 PM Author: Excitant office persian
Skeletor:
I’m not sure if this is the correct way to go about telling you the things I must tell you. If it were possible, it would be preferable to tell them to you face to face. However, I think at this point, I couldn’t look into your eyes without regaining a sort of hope, that you will see, renders me unable to say this to you.
Susie, I adore you. You know this, if you don’t it is only because you won’t let yourself believe it. Fulfillment is not the correct word, but it is as close as I can come in a single word to describing the feeling of looking over to my side of the bed at Eight A.M. and seeing you breathing gently there. Why do I adore you? I don’t know. I know I love talking to you, I think you’re beautiful, I feel like you understand me, I think of you as my intellectual equal. All these things are certainly true, but they could be true of a great many women. What scares me but what makes me think its real, when very few of my feelings in life have been real, is that I cannot explain or rationalize why I feel like I do about you.
I think you like me. I think that maybe even had the circumstances been different we may have dated longer or even gone so far as being boyfriend and girlfriend. But I know you don’t feel as I do and under no circumstances will you, no matter how much I hope for the opposite to be true. I know a girl doesn’t tell a guy she wants to be with that she will not exclusively date anybody and then proceed to exclusively date somebody else. I know a girl doesn’t invite a guy she wants to be with to hang out with her and her boyfriend. I don’t blame you for these things, on the contrary, without them I may have deluded myself much longer.
I want for us to be friends. I honestly do. I don’t need for us to be friends, in fact it is probably the last thing on earth that I do need. But I want it. I have to realize some things if it is to work though. We can’t be alone together. I think we both knew at the time and we certainly both know by now that us going to Richmond for dinner is a terrible idea. I want it so much, but I want it under different circumstances. I actually would like it under these circumstances, but I also know how easy it is for me to begin deluding myself again with thoughts that there is a chance for there to one day be an us. I think we both know that us sleeping in the same bed together is a terrible idea. It is a very odd feeling, knowing that the thing that has made you the happiest you’ve been in a long time is also the last thing in the world you need. Your feelings want to lash out at your logic. It’s not healthy.
I’m never going to be happy or comfortable around your boyfriend or boyfriends or guys you are dating. I like xxxx, he’s a cool guy, if I felt differently about you I might even hope that you two would get more serious. I don’t want to hang out with him or have a drink with him or even talk to him. I certainly don’t want to do any of that with you there.
I hope none of this hurts you. That’s the last thing I want. I’m sorry that I am the way I am and that all this is even necessary. I don’t want you to think any of this is your fault, not that you would, but you might and its not. I will probably be weird for a while and I hope that if I’m distant that doesn’t hurt you. I don’t think you have any idea how much I want to be doing the opposite of what I’m doing now. Maybe what I’m doing is way too emo or maybe its psycho, but it is who I am and I think that if I owe you anything it is to be completely honest with how I feel about you.
I just don’t think I will get over you if I keep seeing you so much. Just when I think I’m over you, I can look at you and realize I’m not. Maybe if I forget for long enough I won’t be able to remember. I’m not saying that I don’t want to see you at all, but it can’t be as much and it can’t be in a very personal way.
Susie, I’ve meant everything I’ve ever said to you. I don’t know of anybody else that I can say that about. And I mean everything I am saying now. I adore you and I’m sorry that by some cruel trick of fate I’ve fallen for you. This is hard on me, but the saddest part is that having to shut you out from being a true friend. I know it’s not fair to you. I’m not entirely sure how much our friendship has meant to you, but I get the feeling at times it has meant a lot. I’m so sorry that I have to shut a good portion of that out. I’m sorry that I will probably never be able to watch you put on lipstick without wanting to immediately mess that lipstick up. I’m sorry that I’ll never be able to see you with another guy without wishing I were in his place. I’m sorry this had to happen to you.
Date: February 24th, 2005 4:52 PM Author: sadistic indian lodge
if by flame, you mean the eternal flame of my love. But sadly enough, no this flame was not co-operative. It was a single flame hopelessly trying to shine on an eternal, stifling darkness.
Date: November 11th, 2005 10:01 AM Author: sadistic indian lodge
what do you mean?
Me and Susie went out for a while, but she kept telling me that she wasn't in a place in her life where she could be really serious about a relationship. You know with law school and all that.
Then she proceeded to get serious with that dude from her work.
Date: August 3rd, 2008 3:24 PM Author: passionate tank
"When I dream about dying, we both die at exactly the same time and are buried together in the same coffin. Everything else I want in life derives from wanting to be with you. Sure I want kids, but I want your kids. Sure I want a nice house, but a nice house is a house with you in it, happy to be with me."