i know. deep down i know the work situation isn't the problem. it's that i'm living my life on the sidelines. this is as good as it gets. just need to find meaning somehow.
Date: June 29th, 2015 7:54 PM Author: Gaped 180 range
honestly, this is probably as good as it gets for you. if you're "on the sidelines" at this point in your life, then you will likely be there forever. you need a change in outlook, not scenery.
yeah my life is like a fucking jacksone browne song bro it's not alpha or chill just getting lonely and sad.
i'm an alky and i recognize it's the one big thing i need to work on. in AA you hear alkys are not afraid of death, they are afraid to live. would definitely think that applies to me.
Date: June 29th, 2015 8:15 PM Author: Gaped 180 range
i feel you bro. i'm not here to neg you. i want all XO brothers to succeed and be happy.
one thing that would help you is getting away from thinking of happiness/self-worth in relation to your career arc. it's a toxic way of thinking that has been ingrained in American males from birth. once you do the real work of living (letting go of fear, giving of yourself, really connecting with others in your community, making real lasting friendships) you will find happiness and my guess is that the career stuff will start to happen for you naturally.
you should definitely look into therapy if you haven't already.
ty bro. one of the big reasons i keep coming back to XO is for the tough love i can't get anywhere else.
i know i am so fortunate to have such a good work situation that i even have time to focus on shit like emotional health.
but yeah, i strove and HYPS'ed and copped dat 'dream' gig and the question is 'now what?' everything looks great to everyone on the outside but feels so empty to me.
yeah have done therapy. also a lot of reading -- tillich's 'courage to be' really helped me. this one is great too:
most important lesson no one ever taught me -- how I feel matters. just striving away you never develop self-awareness and that's what i need to do now. shrinks have all said the drinking needs to be taken care of before anything else can heal.
planning to take some time to go to rehab in about a month's time.
Date: June 29th, 2015 9:43 PM Author: aqua brethren
imo you just gotta convince yourself you deserve to be happy :) alcohol could be just as much a symptom (of a deep desire to self sabotage) than a cause
this is it, bro. i'm a 6'3" HYPS bro pulling 100k. I should be on top of the world. i had a shrink tell me i am not selfish b/c selfish ppl love themselves. i hate myself.
my striving is a symptom of wanting others to love me and validate me because i hate myself and thought all the trophies and book prizes and phi beta kappas would solve dat problem. but part of me wants to be alky so i can empathize w/ my alky daddy. so the choice is empathize w/ him or hate him... or of course learn how to accept his mistakes and not repeat them lol that's the hard part!
drinking is def. a symptom, need to come to terms and get over the causes.
my work is stable, fairly interesting, but meaningless. i want to do something to more significantly affect the (or another) company's success. crave something more high stakes. think i would be very happy in high-end sales.
just got out of a 1yr relationship. only significant relationship since college but it was a trainwreck. fucked/dated a few randos, but mainly avoidant for last 6 or so years.
Date: September 13th, 2015 7:05 PM Author: Impertinent clown ceo
I did. But the reset involved getting TO "100k for F500 9-5 in a high CoL w/ no debt." Fortunately, things continue to look up, and there is no rut. Since you're single prob. it would be wise to focus on your health, emotional awareness, building strong relationships, etc. I.e., your career is already going pretty well, so focus on where your life isn't going so well.
Date: June 29th, 2015 8:01 PM Author: cyan fluffy cuckoldry school cafeteria
:)
If you're in a position to live for others, it is great advice, but I think OP is not quite there yet, mentally. And lots of people aren't there in a practical sense.
Date: June 29th, 2015 8:02 PM Author: swashbuckling abode hairy legs
I knew someone was going to retort with this.
No, it doesn't have to mean start a family or anything like that. What it meant for me was finding some kind of cause or path that was in the pursuit of something greater than myself. This can mean helping people through volunteer and charity, working for a non-profit, anything where you devote your time and energy to something other than feeding your own ego and selfish desires.
I know it sounds like flame at first, but if you have even a fraction of a decent soul in you then you will never be satisfied with a life of selfishness. It is a narcissistic prison you can never escape from.
Date: June 29th, 2015 7:53 PM Author: khaki bbw juggernaut
It's easy to start reset everything as a lawyer since you can start your own firm. Of course, one needs the talent to do so, but those who have talent (but got messed up for some other reason) can strike out on their own and do well.
i've thought seriously about it. been stalling on it b/c fear of debt and the ROI may not be worth it. but even then, getting on a better career trajectory (not just $$$ but more interesting and strategic roles) and rekindling dat social spark might make it a v. good option. i gotta figure i'm gonna be working for 30 more years minimum so spending 2 years to make sure i don't get glassceilingPWNED is worth it.
i'm actually a fairly social bro, just my current situation has led to extreme isolation.
I don't know how long it will last, but after a recent brush with death (car crash), I just stopped thinking like this. So tcr solution is ALMOST die but not quite then you'll get out of these thought patterns
I-395, slippery rain, only going 40 in the rightmost lane, tires could not get a firm grip on the road when i put on my brakes after switching lanes (ironically, to avoid another car merge). Being a stupid DC highway, cars a good distance in front of me were at a complete stop thanks to the bizarre traffic patterns. Had I been going faster, I might have been seriously injured or dead - or maybe the people in the car in front of me. Car is wrecked though
Date: June 29th, 2015 8:33 PM Author: spectacular lettuce set
here it is. pumo, this is your life now.
sorry bro 28 year olds dont find "soul mates" or "true love" or even "a bitch maybe worth wifing."
the single girl of your dreams does not exist at your age. theres no female peer waiting to be your devoted true love. shes already loved and lost or was never capable of loving in the first place and in the "best case" scenario where she agrees to marry youll only ever be her husband accessory and sperm donor. youll never matter more to her than her granite countertops or exposed brick or shoe collection. and youll never truly know her or share a life of intimacy with her. just a checking account and and a netflix password.
that kind of marriage is for other people. like your grandfather. you remember him, right? the man who didnt meet a broken 30 year old shrew on tinder when he decided to start a family?
sorry. its just not how people are built and its definitely not how our society works. ljl at finding a pure of heart 29 year girlfriend you will love, honor and cherish for the rest of your life. ljl at knowing you want some bitch from jdate to be the mother of your children.
this is just as dumb (and sad) as poasters asking how to make new friends moving to a new city at age 34. oh wow what a difficult and confusing question! jk its actually really fucking simple because the answer is you cant make friends in a new city at age 32. people dont make friends--real friends who truly enrich their lives--at 32. they already have those friends and youre just a guy theyre being nice to or hanging out with to pass the time.
there are no solutions. you done fucked up if youre romantically/socially isolated at 30. its called life and it already happened for everyone else and youre just the dumbass who decided to start trying with a new job/city/okcupid profile like youre going to still maek it with a loving woman who is 31 and single but totally not broken or slutty.
and youre going to find a community of chill, loyal friends and neighbors who genuinely care about you and your family and it will finally be morning in pumo america!
but then again no.
it wont be morning in america in your 30s. youre aleady slipping down the slope of a life wasted and in your heart you know that. its not a question of what will happen. it happened. you missed your chance and its only getting worse. time only moves in one direction, faggot.
heres the only advice that can help you: hit the motherfucking reset button and hope your next life isnt the dumpster fire your current one is.
Date: June 29th, 2015 8:57 PM Author: spectacular lettuce set
?
this dude isn't going to change his situation. by their late 20s people are who they are. if anything, he should work on getting comfortable with his (as you note below) objectively good outcome, not try to invent some way to "reset" his life, personality etc.
Date: June 29th, 2015 9:20 PM Author: duck-like internal respiration
well I personally know lots of people that defy that utterly toxic and non-sensical post. and I would imagine the first step in doing so is completely ignoring cynical toxic bullshit like that.
Date: June 29th, 2015 9:26 PM Author: spectacular lettuce set
yeah man, I'm sure tons of 33 yr olds find quality women, totally new circles of friends and new careers. just do life transformation at the 45% point of your life
you are a good bro but i recognize this is going to take a huge investment on my part if i want to be happy and contented in life. my priorities are way out of whack and it won't be easy or comfortable to get them back to a place where i'd be proud and happy to be who i am.
Date: June 29th, 2015 8:53 PM Author: duck-like internal respiration
I'm tempted to call the OP a whiny bitch for making 100k in his 20s with no debt (quite literally a top 1% outcome for his generation) but the fact of the matter is I completely empathize with his situation. I am at a point in life/career where I am totally lost, have no idea what the next step is and terrified to take any risks and fall of the track.
Date: June 29th, 2015 9:18 PM Author: duck-like internal respiration
first, I want you to acknowledge that making 100k in your 20s is a financial situation that many would literally kill someone to obtain. just acknowledge that for me, tyia.
next, it's pretty fucking abundantly clear what's causing it. we are bombarded since youth do follow our hearts, do what you love, the money will come. so when we go forth into the real world and realize that not only is "do what you love" extremely difficult, landing and keeping ho-hum job that you really hate is actually not that easy either.
so now we feel confused and guilty. "Why can't I do what what I love? Why won't anyone pay me to sing on vocaroo and post it on autoadmit? or write comic books?" and it spirals into a very dark place of self-loathing.
i see where you are coming from. i know it sounds stupid but having grown up a good little striver, it's not just the $$ that's important to me. it's about status. i never wanted to 'follow my heart' because my heart was that of a little striver. and despite making the $$$ i'm in a low status role in my industry and occupation. and as someone who was always 99th% that bothers me. i'm not saying it's rational or reasonable, i recognize it's stupid, but it's my psychology.
so it seems my choices are 1) give up striving -- i happily would if i had something to fill its place. like a GF or volunteer causes or family or hobbies or whatever, but i don't... this is what striving led me to. or 2) strive harder... MBA out, dedicate myself to my corporate overlords and hold my rising status over others. or 3) exit the game completely, buy a cottage on the oregon coast and become a bartender or something.
Date: June 29th, 2015 9:30 PM Author: duck-like internal respiration
it's hard to remove yourself and analyze your subjective situation objectively.
there could be something you are incredible at (dancing, speaking Finnish, film editing) that you aren't even AWARE of because you've been striving so hard. you just don't know how to pursue or access those other things.
yeah i get it. this is the crux of growing up though, isn't it? forgoing and forgetting all the possibilities out there to double down on your notion of your place in the world.
In SF, toxic as expected. Not surprisingly, the dudes I used to shroom/acid/etc with have decamped to portland, denver, austin, etc. only strivers left.
i grew up in pac nw and parents and old friends have told me a HUGE part of my life dissatisfaction is due to having stayed in the bay area...
Date: June 29th, 2015 9:20 PM Author: ocher goyim voyeur
Brother, I went from shitlaw to quant STEM masters to some niche technical consulting field at 30. I basically doubled my income to around 140 and have good marketable skills and hopefully a bright future.
Date: June 29th, 2015 9:23 PM Author: Contagious Mentally Impaired Dysfunction Boiling Water
Some great advise ITT.
I'm in my 30s and in a private role but I did non profit work when I needed some meaning. It was 180. Advise you do it.
Also I was obsessed with chasing women. Once I stopes caring I was way more happy. Need to find happiness somehow but it's really hard to with women you meet at my age.
Date: June 29th, 2015 9:42 PM Author: Thriller Therapy
You should go to church. I always thought that if I was in my late 20's and wanted to meet a heroic woman, I would participate in all sorts of young adult programs at churches. Especially churches on college campuses. I am just dying for someone to make a concerted effort at this and report back to the group.
Date: June 29th, 2015 9:51 PM Author: lurid anal narrative
you dont think its creepy some SJW bitch flicks her bean every night to some guy getting tortured to death ISIS style? and swears up and down like some good little communist to love his mangled corpse more than any man on earth? and you would marry a bitch like this? who takes your marital family problems to some creepy old man preacher?
wow, you must belong to a really COOL church, where do i sign up.
i think this is CR. and it's not just about meeting bitches. it's that whole thing about finding and caring about things outside of yourself. it sounds cheesy but alcoholism is a disease of self-obsession and dedicating yourself to others, community, etc. seems to be the best solution. Ppl shit on 12-step programs but think they really can help me. my liquor is but a symptom and have to do steps 2 and 3 before my personality can change enough to relieve me from my boozing. pulling hot mormon chicks is just icing on the cake.
Date: June 30th, 2015 12:42 AM Author: bat-shit-crazy hyperactive meetinghouse affirmative action
I basically came out of major alcoholism at 29 then went to grad school and entered a new career... late 20s is really young in the grand scheme of things, you have can still make drastic changes to your life, especially if you aren't tied down
Date: June 30th, 2015 12:59 AM Author: sepia exhilarant lodge
First of all, things got much better for me in my early 30's. I had more wisdom and was just in a more secure position in general. I have seen the same thing happen with others.
One thing that was very helpful to me was getting in shape. I played sports and so on in school, but it was completely different to learn about eating right, exercising in a way that will be sustainable throughout life, etc. It turned out that there was a lot of low hanging fruit in terms of my physical situation, so I managed to make progress fast. I feel better, but also the act of setting and achieving a goal is very encouraging and has helped me in accomplishing other goals.
Date: June 30th, 2015 1:01 AM Author: Charcoal travel guidebook
I've been doing this the past year. Still same job/city, but I've taken a more positive outlook on things. Quit drinking, started exercising, picked up some 180 hobbies, started volunteering. I feel a lot better about who I am as a person which, in turn, has made me actually feel better in my day to day life.
Date: June 30th, 2015 9:14 AM Author: confused garrison french chef
great thread
threads like this bring out the boomer toxic flame response of stfu millennial no one loves what they do. ignore that sentiment.
i just turned 30. HYP-->t10-->v30 4th year. I have it on authority that i will not survive my next performance review-- and i couldn't be happier. I need to make major live changes. Im drowning myself in alcohol-poison every night, and dabbling in hard drugs and compulsive sex. Gonna quit biglaw and completely dry out, at least for a little, then live off my savings for a bit while i pursue passion projects. The ability to do a late-20s/early-30s reset is what gets me out of bed every morning. We can still maek it, brother.
Date: June 30th, 2015 9:17 AM Author: Maize bearded hissy fit theater stage
can't make work the focus of your life/thing that you derive most of your sense of self worth from. need to develop hobbies (or get back into old ones), go to church, volunteer. exercise if you don't already--this will increase confidence and it has a lot of positive feedback loops. running regularly will help you feel better and lose weight which increases your confidence for dating, which puts you in better shape to go hiking/rock climbing, which can get you into weight lifting, which can lead to some other sport/athletic interest, etc. think about the shit you loved doing when you were 12 and try to do more of that.
Date: July 7th, 2015 8:52 AM Author: aphrodisiac gas station
Yes. But in my case I was coming out of a tough time in my life so what helped me may not help you. Basically, I got a MUCH better job with a much better career path (this was partially the result of some post-grad stuff I had done plus being in the right place at the right time), making fitness a priority in my life again, and meeting the right woman. The sum total of this is that I'm in a much, much better place than I was in my late 20's.