Date: March 19th, 2006 3:09 AM Author: Contagious mental disorder
A few years ago, while browsing around the library downtown, I had to take a piss. As I entered the john a big beautiful all-american football hero type, about twenty-five, came out of one of the booths. I stood at the urinal looking at him out of the corner of my eye as he washed his hands. He didn't once look at me. He was "straight" and married -- and in any case I was sure I wouldn't have a chance with him.
As soon as he left I darted into the booth he'd vacated, hoping there might be a lingering smell of shit and even a seat still warm from his sturdy young ass. I found not only the smell but the shit itself. He'd forgotten to flush. And what a treasure he had left behind. Three or four beautiful specimens floated in the bowl. It apparently had been a fairly dry, constipated shit, for all were fat, stiff, and ruggedly textured.
The real prize was a great feast of turd -- a nine inch gastrointestinal triumph as thick as a man's wrist.
I knelt before the bowl, inhaling the rich brown fragrance and wondered if I should obey the impulse building up inside me. I'd always been a heavy rimmer and had lapped up more than one little clump of shit, but that had been just an inevitable part of eating ass and not an end in itself. Of course I'd had jerk-off fantasies of devouring great loads of it (what rimmer hasn't), but I had never done it. Now, here I was, confronted with the most beautiful five-pound turd I'd ever feasted my eyes on, a sausage fit to star in any fantasy and one I knew to have been hatched from the asshole of the world's handsomest young stud.
Why not? I plucked it from the bowl, holding it with both hands to keep it from breaking. I lifted it to my nose. It smelled like rich, ripe limburger (horrid, but thrilling), yet had the consistency of cheddar. What is cheese anyway but milk turning to shit without the benefit of a digestive tract? I gave it a lick and found that it tasted better then it smelled. I've found since then that shit nearly almost does.
I hesitated no longer. I shoved the fucking thing as far into my mouth as I could get it and sucked on it like a big brown cock, beating my meat like a madman. I wanted to completely engulf it and bit off a large chunk, flooding my mouth with the intense, bittersweet flavor. To my delight I found that while the water in the bowl had chilled the outside of the turd, it was still warm inside. As I chewed I discovered that it was filled with hard little bits of something I soon identified as peanuts. He hadn't chewed them carefully and they'd passed through his body virtually unchanged. I ate it greedily, sending lump after peanutty lump sliding scratchily down my throat. My only regret was the donor of this feast wasn't there to wash it down with his piss.
I soon reached a terrific climax. I caught my cum in the cupped palm of my hand and drank it down. Believe me, there is no more delightful combination of flavors than the hot sweetness of cum with the rich bitterness of shit.
Afterwards I was sorry that I hadn't made it last longer. But then I realized that I still had a lot of fun in store for me. There was still a clutch of virile turds left in the bowl. I tenderly fished them out, rolled them into my hankerchief, and stashed them in my briefcase. In the week to come I found all kinds of ways to eat the shit without bolting it right down. Once eaten it's gone forever unless you want to filch it third hand out of your own asshole. Not an unreasonable recourse in moments of desperation or simple boredom. I stored the turds in the refrigerator when I was not using them but within a week they were all gone. The last one I held in my mouth without chewing, letting it slowly dissolve. I had liquid shit trickling down my throat for nearly four hours. I must have had six orgasms in the process.
I often think of that lovely young guy dropping solid gold out of his sweet, pink asshole every day, never knowing what joy it could, and at least once did, bring to a grateful shiteater.
Date: March 19th, 2006 3:11 AM Author: Black Parlor
i guess. i usually dont do cutsy lines anyway. im not good at this type of stuff. i basically just say "ive been thinking that im going to take you out for *inset activity here*, ill pick you up at *insert time here*"
Date: March 19th, 2006 6:11 AM Author: Sable multi-colored stain fat ankles
I only saw this now.
No, douchebag, I usually just keep my mouth shut on dates and let HER do the talking. Sometimes I'll point out something interesting (like people in funny clothes) and then she talks. That doesn't work online.
Date: March 19th, 2006 3:47 AM Author: bistre prole corner
tell her your dad's a pyschologist. and then tell her what he thinks about his job. any bullshit will do. she'll then start talking about why she's interested in it, etc...if she doesn't, you can ask her
Date: March 19th, 2006 3:51 AM Author: bistre prole corner
see my edit
edit: tell her your dad's a pyschologist. and then tell her what he thinks about his job. any bullshit will do. she'll then start talking about why she's interested in it, etc...if she doesn't, you can ask her
Date: March 19th, 2006 3:55 AM Author: bistre prole corner
not bad but i wouldnt say this until the end of the conversation. first, he needs to establish some rapport. another lame come on is not going to change her mind
the conversation is mundane enough that this might not be flame...
Date: March 19th, 2006 4:03 AM Author: Sable multi-colored stain fat ankles
Her: i cant study with coffee
Her: caffeine gives me a headache.
Me: My dad finds his job really tiring. Talking to patients all day can be really stressful, you know.
Her: hmm...i guess.
Her: but it is nice to be there for people. it must be rewarding to make such a difference in someones life.
Me: Oh yeah, sure.
Her: plus the way the brain works is really interesting. sometimes even compeletly counterintuitive. like you wouldnt expect at all. people are puzzles, you know.
Me: Totally agree.
Me: So what do you like most about psychology? The whole puzzle factor?
Her: yeah, i guess. opportunities for self-knowledge, you know.
Date: March 19th, 2006 4:04 AM Author: bistre prole corner
stop sucking her dick
you're fucked but next time challenge her in some way...something like, "i don't know, i don't know if my dad really gets anything done. most of the people he sees don't want to change." it stupid, but that's okay. it sounds like you're being honest and your challenging her a little.
Date: March 19th, 2006 4:18 AM Author: Sable multi-colored stain fat ankles
Her: ah, i see where this is headed.
Me: So what kind of self-knowledge did you get from your studies?
Her: um, do you really care?
Her: or are you just trying to pick me up again?
Me: No, no...I mean, if you still want to go to coffee, that's cool.
Her: sure
Me: But no, I really wanted to know.
Her: you're not just going to snore through this?
Me: Of course not.
Me: I grew up with psychology, so I always have a soft spot for it.
Her: ok, well, we're studying learning strategies in class. we had this test battery to determine our learning style. anyway im in the "auditory/tactile" category. meaning that i can absorb material really well in a lecture, but also pretty good with hands-on stuff. visual, not so much.
Date: March 19th, 2006 4:31 AM Author: Sable multi-colored stain fat ankles
Her: ok, well, we're studying learning strategies in class. we had this test battery to determine our learning style. anyway im in the "auditory/tactile" category. meaning that i can absorb material really well in a lecture, but also pretty good with hands-on stuff. visual,
not so much.
Me: So what do you want do with your degree?
Her: thinking about education
Me: Cool. What level? Like academia, research?
Her: maybe child development specialty or elementary education
Me: I'm a visual learner. I don't get so much from the lectures.
Me: More of just reading the book, taking the test, you know.
Her: damn, i wish i could do that.
Her: would save me the trouble of dragging myself to lectures.
Me: lol
Me: Well, I still go to lectures. I just draw pictures there.
Her: haha
Her: well hopefully you're not being disruptive to those of us who DO need to go.
Date: March 19th, 2006 4:59 AM Author: Sable multi-colored stain fat ankles
Not much. Usually I'm all right, because I'm fairly good-looking (not being vain; it's just something girls have told me), but I'm a hopeless geek, so it all falls apart if I have to rely on my convo skills.
What's frustrating is that I know she likes me, but I can't seem to get it together.
Date: March 19th, 2006 4:53 AM Author: cordovan bipolar stag film goyim
He needs to tell us more about this chick. If she's a slut, he should be able to get her to go for coffee. If she's not, she could get angry at him with his references to sex before they've ever gone out on a date.
Date: March 19th, 2006 5:18 AM Author: bistre prole corner
the next time you're doing that well (at the Relish point), tell her you have to go, and then after she takes her exam, ask how she did, schmooze a little, and THEN ask her out.
Date: March 19th, 2006 5:22 AM Author: bistre prole corner
say something like, "you probably have a lot of studying to do tomorrow so i should let you go. are you studying for anything besides pysch this weekend?"
go off on a tangent somewhere for a couple of minutes and then sign off.
just don't end it her giggling over a dead child's body.
Date: March 19th, 2006 5:34 AM Author: bistre prole corner
you don't need to get a date out of your first IM conversation. unless the discourse at your party was intense or if you made out or something, i wouldn't recommend it.
Date: March 19th, 2006 5:41 AM Author: cordovan bipolar stag film goyim
Back to dancing...Say that you'd like to get better at dancing. Tell her that since she is good at dancing, if she would be able to teach you how to get better at it.
Date: March 19th, 2006 5:48 AM Author: cordovan bipolar stag film goyim
But it's a reason for them to spend time together. She already knows he's trying to pick her up with his messed up coffee attempts. Won't she be more likely to want to see him if she thinks she could teach him something?
Date: March 19th, 2006 5:49 AM Author: aromatic stead
maybe, but still, its too obvious hes faking the whole oh what are you in to blah blah blah because in the back of her mind she knows he is just trying to score a date. that is the bottom line.
Date: March 19th, 2006 5:50 AM Author: cordovan bipolar stag film goyim
He's been pressuring her about coffee at different times in this conversation when it didn't fit well in the conversation to ask. The conversation can't get any worse so he might as well suggest the dancing.
Date: March 19th, 2006 5:44 AM Author: aromatic stead
The Problem:
You took yourself out of control over her. You made youself sound like a wimp, a wussy, someone who is nervous and indecisive. You made yourself sound needy, creepy/psychotic, and desperate. You committed suicide, now get the fuck out of there. This was most likely her first opinion of you. It will last. It is very hard to change how a woman feels for a man, especially after such extensive damage.
Date: March 19th, 2006 5:48 AM Author: bistre prole corner
he did that in the beginning and it fucked things up. ignoring her for 5 days or so will show her that he has self-control, and that's what he needs to demonstrate.
Date: March 19th, 2006 5:54 AM Author: Sable multi-colored stain fat ankles
Look, this isn't flame. If some other thread did this before me, whatever. I was just looking for advice since the people on this board seem pretty quick/funny.
Date: March 19th, 2006 5:52 AM Author: Sable multi-colored stain fat ankles
Me: Oh no, I totally can.
Her: im not so sure now.
Me: Look, I'm nervous around you, all right? I don't always say stupid things, I just say stupid things to you because you make me feel different.
Me: I don't know. Maybe you have effect on people, [her name]. I'm sorry. I couldn't help being stupid around you.
Her: so first you assume i laugh at automobile accidents and now i kill the intelligence of everyone around me.
Me: Oh come on, that's not fair.
Her: you sure know how to make a girl feel special.
Her: look, im really tired right now and i need to get some rest.
Me: I'm sorry I couldn't give you all the glib one-liners you need before we could just have a cup of coffee together. I can't be as charming or smooth or fake as the other players out there.
Her: can we just drop it already? im getting a headache right now.
Date: March 19th, 2006 5:53 AM Author: Duck-like Carmine Wrinkle Principal's Office
Your responses were terrible. Maybe you should wait until she doesn't remember who you are. It doesn't matter; elementary education is not prestigious.
Date: March 19th, 2006 5:58 AM Author: aromatic stead
next time remember these points:
be cocky, but funny
dont be desperate at all
dont be needy or overly emotional
BE a man
its ok to disagree
dont be a doormat
take charge
get her # asap
dont talk so much online
bonus tip - once you get her number, say you will call her soon, wait like 3 days though, and schedule for a day mon-thurs. dont question my ways, just trust me
Date: March 19th, 2006 5:59 AM Author: bistre prole corner
as much as i hate to say this, that's all good advice.
edit:also, you should never be thinking about just one girl. if you're not that experienced, start with friendships and if you're as attractive as you say you are, it'll be easy to move past the friendship stage.
Date: March 19th, 2006 6:05 AM Author: Sable multi-colored stain fat ankles
Damn it, I did it all wrong!
I'm so fucking pissed off with myself right now. I was doing well, I knew it.
Why did I ever stop talking about Relish?
So I don't talk to her for 5 days? Then what? I'm not a good talker. I'm OK irl because my silence can come off as cool indifference, but over phone/IM, I get into a fucking nervous wreck as shown above. Fuck fuck fuck.
Date: March 19th, 2006 6:11 AM Author: aromatic stead Subject: this is golden :
u should keep IM/phone to minimum anyway. use it to schedule things.
another tip: anticipation is the shit. this is what i did once-i told this girl i was going to draw her a picture. she said of what? i said i know what it is but i cant tell her. shes like oh will it be of something special we shared tonight? i said stop questioning my ways, im an artist. later on it was like a month and i still didnt do it. she said so what about the drawing? i told her great works often take years to complete, and she shouldnt question my ways. she did something later on like prematurely hang up for some reason on the phone, so i told her she owned me big time. i asked how u gonna repay me, she said i could have anything i wanted. i said i know exactly what i want, but i cant tell her now, i will tell her when i send her the drawing (a msg will be with it). with it i wrote, make me a necklace for the summer (shes in to that kind of stuff). and since thatd be letting you off too easy, you always talk about your thongs to me, so send me a picture of you in them and make sure its a nice pair. she was all too happy to oblige and sent me more than 1 picture.
Date: March 19th, 2006 6:11 AM Author: bistre prole corner
Honestly, take ill kid's advice and start talking to as many attractive girls as you can. Think of them as "friends." You're putting to much pressure on yourself to get a date and it shows. Once you're talking to multiple girls that you're interested in, you won't seem as desperate-- because you won't be, you'll have another girl to turn to.
Date: March 19th, 2006 6:31 AM Author: Sable multi-colored stain fat ankles
OK, I think I can do that. The problem is that I have a lot of hot/attractive girls who are "friends" with me, but anytime we ever try to take it to the relationship level, I screw it up. Case in point: this thread.
And I'll be totally honest: When I like a girl, I don't want to go through that whole series of platonic gestures. I just want to have intercourse with her as soon as possible.
Date: March 19th, 2006 6:45 AM Author: Sable multi-colored stain fat ankles
I said conversation-wise, since there are other things to do besides talk irl. I still do stupid things like trip over myself (esp. dancing, which is why I tend to the "wallflower" mode) and forget her birthday, sometimes her name. Getting lost while driving is another one, forgetting times for dates (getting better with that now that I bought a watch). Bad memory tends to be the worst problem.
Date: March 19th, 2006 6:44 AM Author: aromatic stead
women are paranoid, they over-analyze everything especially when it comes to relationships. by keeping it mon-thurs she will think things like:
"why did he not ask me for saturday or friday? Am I not good enough for that?"
"Am I not his main attraction?"
"Is there another women for those days?"
If it WERE saturday or friday, she would KNOW shes the main thing for his social lfie at that point. Women like men who are wanted, mysterious. They like selective men because then it makes them feel a cut above the other women. Women are jealous creature. If you ever want to make a woman feel good, tell her how much better looking she is than her friends.
It will also trigger things in her making the man seem less desperate and needy. Therefore, the man becomes the SELECTOR and the woman the person going after the man.
Date: March 20th, 2006 2:52 AM Author: disturbing up-to-no-good internal respiration
Wrong. This is only good for the average girl. This specific girl already liked the douchey personality of HLSBound and he fucked it up by trying to be something he wasn't.
Date: March 19th, 2006 8:08 AM Author: vigorous naked tattoo
Easy up, old boy. Now, you're obviously a smart guy, so I'm going to explain my plan to you. This is your first time online with her, I gather. So just tell her that your friend Jerry found her SN written down somewhere and played a prank on you. Then show how clever, charming, etc. you really can be.
I'll even tell you what. I can do the conversation part for you (a la Cyrano de Bergerac, who woos the beautiful Roxanne on behalf of the handsome, but inarticulate, Christian). Just give me her screenname; cut and paste it in reply and we can put our plan into action. You can have that second chance!
Date: March 19th, 2006 8:30 AM Author: vigorous naked tattoo
No, I'm completely serious. I would be happy to help you. I totally understand where you're coming from, but the situation can be remedied. Don't listen to these other guys who say wait five days. Let's fix the situation right now.
I was ribbing you earlier, but now I'm being genuine.
EDIT: Just post her SN and then delete it right after I reply, OK?
Date: March 19th, 2006 8:44 AM Author: vigorous naked tattoo
Wow, actually she's still on-line. She has an away message, though:
"*sigh*
why do nice guys end up being the most pushy?"
See, she was still thinking about you. Now once she's back, I can set everything straight in an off-hand, casual way. Don't worry about it. I'm here for you now, my friend.
Date: March 19th, 2006 9:47 AM Author: Dashing walnut famous landscape painting
A girl like this could be sold on someone in less than 10 minutes of IMing. The OP is woefully bad at the sort of verbal sparring that turns this type of girl on. The first time I read this thread I felt for him. Now I just shake my head at his ineptitude....he had it, and let it slip away, and then auto-pwn3d.